I don't think there's anything wrong with insisting upon sincere contrition, and a limited list of pre-conditions ("dealbreakers") to accompany any return by her to the marriage.
Just make sure your motives are pure, and your heart is able to forgive if she does, in fact, make a sincere effort. Transparency, I believe, along with a good psych eval, will help you bridge the gap between phony, last-ditch crocodile tears and a genuine desire to come back and work on the marriage.
There is definitely a part of me that wants to just finish her off legally speaking.
She has cost me > $10,000 at the moment. She abandoned S7/S8 without a thought for anyone but herself. She has shown a complete disregard for D1's well-being.
Bottom line... she threw away a good thing without so much as a second thought for some dumbass who lives with his parents and is an alcoholic. She has caused suffering and misery for people on both sides of our family and created a giant drama bomb which is now leaving fallout in multiple areas of our lives personally and professionally.
Now I'm seeing signs that she just expects to be able to come right back just because real life has become inconvenient.
I'm really not that interested if that is her attitude... she doesn't offer me anything that I couldn't get someplace else. The selfishness and entitlement is sickening.
If she doesn't come seeking honest to goodness forgiveness, there is no future there. I'm not going to be a doormat.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Was running a bit late this morning so only got to see D1 for a few minutes. She wasn't paying attention to the daycare worker calling her, so I called out her name and she came running to me. I held her for a few minutes, and then put her in her high chair so she could eat some toast.
Last night I had a few dreams about W... I just don't see myself capable of reconciling at this point. I'm generally pretty good about letting slights to me roll off my shoulders... but when it comes to my children I have a long memory.
Part of me wants to tell W exactly what I think about her right now... but I figure that part can wait until after the D is complete. I'm just angry at the entire situation really...
I'm snapping this morning at the kids... don't like to... just don't like the way things have gone. 34 days, 55 minutes until trial as I write this.
Still she hasn't even picked her psychologist for the psychological evaluation (her attorney has had the resumes for 20 days), hasn't provided discovery information, hasn't shown up for deposition...
Quite frankly I'm not sure if W has participated since the first hearing in March. Which is extremely dumb legally speaking.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Yesterday evening I caught W with D1 at OM's house (she didn't bring her car, figured she was being sneaky). I text messaged her:
ME: Forget your car somewhere? W: I know where it is. Are you trying to scare me. You are the coward. ME: Okay. Do you mind bringing me my daughter?
She never responded. Ended up leaving about 30 minutes later. My attorney told me I already have more than enough and to stop antagonizing her.
So I sent the following: ME: Good mothers do not bring their children around their affair partners. Show some self respect until the divorce is final and stop putting you before D1. ME: There is no marriage for you to come back to. I deserve better. The kids deserve better. You are selfish and hurtful for no reason. You are not who I married.
So... I got that off my chest. We are 32 days out from trial. I spoke to my attorney, he gave 3 possible dates next week for deposition and the following monday to her attorney. She still hasn't picked one. Neither has she picked which psychologist to do the evaluation despite having the 3 resumes for 25+ days at this point.
I asked him what would happen if W (as I suspect) just doesn't show up for any of this including the trial. He said: "She's f***ed."
He said if she continues refusing to do the psychological evaluation the Judge will put her in jail.
So yeah... if she wasn't BPD I imagine she'd have done it by now.
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Today: D1 was doing well this morning. She saw me and came running towards me. I got on the ground and played peek a boo with this little crawl tunnel thing they have for the kids. One of the daycare workers clapped her hands and called out to her. She walked almost to the worker, spun around and came running back to me.
She did a little "woe is me" pose and whimpered with her arm held over her forehead until I picked her up. When I went to leave she whined which is the worst part of leaving.
I think I'm settled at this point. I'm done. The ongoing selfishness and attitude displayed by W has done its damage and I cannot honestly say I have any feelings for her right now. I've hardened my heart and a lot of people I've talked to anticipate her trying to make a return to the M once reality does set in.
My attorney is Mr. Understatement of the Year. Adultery video evidence + self-mutilation and suicidal thoughts may be enough to overcome her 10 point advantage as a mother in this state...
Everyone I've talked to says "Slam Dunk."
Maybe somewhere in between?
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I, for one, am glad you texted her those things. I do think that -- having now done that -- you take your L's advice and back off again, but I think those "truth darts" needed to be landed.
I, for one, am glad you texted her those things. I do think that -- having now done that -- you take your L's advice and back off again, but I think those "truth darts" needed to be landed.
And land them you did.
Puppy
That means a lot. I especially liked her projection "You are the coward."
Says the person who didn't even bring her car and attempted to stay out of sight.
I'm too close to victory at this point to risk derailing my legal Juggernaut. I think my attorney is being overly cautious because he just can't believe they brought such a weak case as plaintiffs and figures they have to have some sort of ace up their sleeve to not be offering some sort of settlement.
I truly believe W is unable to reach any sort of settlement with her abandonment fears kicking in. It is like asking her to give up a kidney when I ask for more time with D1.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
What was the purpose of seeing if she was with OM if you're done?
She had D1 with her. I told her before that I can't stop her from conducting an A, but I have requested she not put D1 in the middle of it until the divorce is final.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
She's going to do what she wants to do though. I've been told to even put it in the divorce papers- you know- no overnights with anyone of the opposite sex other than relatives- is futile- not enforceable.
Lucky- daughter is one. She is not really aware of what's going on with her mom right now.
