Newcomer requesting advice

[traveldane]

Sandi,

Thank you, thank you for your response. What you said not only validates some on my gut reactions to what has happened between my H and I, but also makes me feel like less of a fool for not being ready to walk away from this marriage.

Of course many people around me feel like, wow, he couldn't be there for you in this major thing, why would you want him? I agree that its unfair that he couldn't, like you said, we both lost this child. But, I also know that I come from a back ground that has given me more tools to get through this. So while its not fair and hurts me hugely, I think he might have been doing his best, at first, and then kind of melted down.

Regarding our initial converstations regarding children following the bad news we got last summer. We were planning to try for another pregnancy. He really wanted to intially, but I needed some time to recover, which he understood. During those first few weeks after the pregnancy loss, he said the exact right thing to me, for me, the only thing that made me feel ok in the midst of our initial loss. He said "We are just going to make a list of all the things that will be difficult to do once we do have children and start doing one of those things, each month. Like a back packing trip, or something. And then, when we have kids, we will have all sorts of fun, non kid adventures, to remember". I made me feel like we were a team, where going to be positive, and get through this together.

I don't know when we first started deviating from that plan, but I know the endless family drama that we ran to attend to did not help. But then, when he began to really withdraw and we started arguing, we both agreed that this was not the time to invite the stress of another pregnancy. I didn't know that the EA was taking off at this time, but knew that he seemed really depressed. This is when we put MC on hold and he started IC. For the first time in a long time, he did not press the baby issue. Obviously now I know why.

What is encouraging to me is that I do see him making small progess in continuing with IC, in stating that he wants to learn to be more responsible financially, in his intention to discuss his family grievances with his parents (something he has never done, only festered over). So I do hope that H. is on a journey to becoming stronger, and at least for now, I don't want to rule out the possibility that I might get to benefit from that in the future. Of course the presence of OW hurts and makes me crazy...but I am doing my best to not see her as truely legitimate. Still, sometimes, it over takes me, is he falling in love with her, where has their "relationship" gone to at this point....I try so hard to put it out of my mind and ignore it.

I'm very appreciate of your advice regarding staying dark. This is a 180 for me, and I have been really trying to stay this way, for exactally the reasons you said. I'm glad you specificed no post cards, because every once in a while I wonder if droping him a little note, just to keep me in his mind now would be beneficial. But I agree with you that right now he needs the absence of me to be surrounded by only his feelings, cisis, and learn to deal.

Along this line, I have decided to take a new job 10 hours away and move to Boston. This is relatively close to the small town where my family (and H family actually) live, so I will have support from my family and friends. I figure it will be better for me to not be so sad in our city where we got married, where I have memories at every resteraunt, etc., and there will be no chance of me running into him and melting down. Also, I've always thought of moving there, H and I had discussed it as an option regularly. So, if and when he is ready to resume contact with me, if I am even still interested, he could easily find me and would have to pursue me.

For our sitch this might be the ultimate LRT, and I am pretty scared to do it, but I think it is the right move, so I am plannig to do so. I've spent the last 2 weeks with family for R&R to decide on this move idea. Its been good to be around people who love and support me and I think I feel stronger now in knowing what to do. Any thoughts on this course of action from your perspective?

One other question that you might be able to advise on:
This weekend I am going back to D.C. to retrieve my belongings from storage unit. H. and I talked last week by phone to resolve an outstanding bill issue. Conversation actually went well. H also told me that unless I wanted him to, he didn't think it was necessary to file for divorce right now, "since we have to live seperately for 1 year before it could be granted anyway". I let this silly, non legal based rationale go and just said "What do you want to do?" He said, "this seems fine to me". So I said, "fine", and left it at that.

When H realized I was gone from D.C., was moving (I hadn't bothered to tell him, not really his business any more,) he hesitently stated that when I come back to get my things that maybe we could get together "to talk a little". This is only the second time since we have been S that he has initiated any kind of contact. I was vague and said, "I'll see what my schedule looks like when I get into town".

I am not sure if a) he just said that to be polite and will not follow through with this (he probably will not call me), b) what "talk a little" means...makes me nervous, or c) If I should do this even if he initiates (calls me) once I am there because I need to be just moving forward in my life and putting him to the side until he has himself more together.

thank you again Sandi for your time, your words and your support. I am so thankfull I found this forum.

Best to you,
TD