How does one "lead" when one's spouse won't even offer the hints that Thinker's W is offering? What if the interactions are limited to logistics... Given that we're coached, no pun intended, not to bring up R talks ourselves, how do you get your foot in the door?
Hi AlexEN,
I just realized in the past hours that I need to separate "R" talks from "Friendship / Partnership" talks ("P talks"??).
ie in my mind, and R talk is "Let's talk about us..."
a "P" talk is "Let's talk about how we can raise our kids better" or "Let's talk about our finances" or "Let's talk about how we can more cooperatively manage the household chores"
"R" talks are to be avoided for now - just pressure.
"P" talks are necessary, can help relieve the stress on the R, and if managed correctly can be the basis for a friendship with WAS.
I just scheduled a "P" talk with my W for this afternoon (over lunch). My game plan is to go in with a pad of paper and pen, ask about the stress points and all of the things that need to get done, priorities, etc. I hope to bite my tongue, take lots of notes, try not to "fix" anything, etc.
I know that if I try to talk, my own emotions and resentment will get the better of me and it will turn into an argument. It always happens that way - her stresses are voiced as complaints combined with an attack on me. My defenses go up, I defend myself, and the conversation spirals out of control.
So the notes are to focus me during the conversation, and then to review on my own - later and without emotions so that something will gel and we can work out a reasonable plan.
...
Just my current approach. I'll let you know how it goes.
Last edited by Thinker; 06/10/0903:05 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
