You will get many nibbles but it will be awhile before he gulps the bait. Just be patient, do not pull on that rod until you are for sure the fish is on.
I had an interesting day...My good friend who I haven't seen in 5 years came over for a visit. It was so great to see her...and she was a big part of the beginning part of my R with H. We lived next door to each other and had kids at the same time...blah blah blah. Anyway, we were just here at my house and catching up and H stopped by. He had called 2x and I ignored. He never stops by anymore like that so it was weird and H saw our friend and was really surprised, pleasantly of course. We all caught up. H left to pick up the kids...my friend left and I went to work. H called to tell me they got new fish for their tank and that he wants to buy the girls a chinchilla. But it is too much $$ right now. That was it. Then he called awhile later to see when he could drop the kids off, and I said I would be home in a little bit. After I got home he called to see if I was home yet. I was like DANG, why are you in such a hurry to drop them off and asked him if he had plans. He was gonna go watch the game but said he wasn't in a real hurry about it. So he came to drop them off and we talked for a little bit. I expected him to leave quickly and he didn't. He hugged me and started to put the moves on...and I denied. At first. Then it got to be irresistable and I caved. Ugh! He definately noticed my "smokin' hot"-ness...and I guess it backfired on me because I had no willpower. He said I looked so pretty. I know, I am a sucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway...i expected him to leave right away after too and he didn't. He asked me if I had thought about what I was going to do as far as the move goes...I said I didn't know and I had a little more time with the lease not being up till Aug. 1st now. He said ok. I told him I was considering staying and that I didn't want him to think I was trying to pressure him, but that it was a hard decision for me...(I started to tear up and was trying REALLY hard not to)...because I wanted him to know that if I stay in the area it is because I have a life here and it is not because I am expecting anything from him. He said he never would think that I would expect anything...and that he wanted us to stay so the kids could be close to him, stay at the same school and so that I would be close to him too. He also said "well, wither way no matter what happens with us", that we could just wait and when he transfers we could all transfer closer to our hometown. It was good I guess, but he never actually said that he as considering moving back TOGETHER. He mentioned me moving out of current house again too...because we can't afford both rents. (DUH!!!???) So...there was positive and negative in there. At this point I had enough of R talk and didn't want to get too deep into it so I changed the subject and lightened it up. We talked about the kids...laughed, and it was great. Then I told him that I was thinking about taking the girls to a church here in town and asked him if he minded. (we always talk about going but never do. I am investing in faith right now and want to make this change for the better for myself and the girls). Anyway, I guess this was the best part about the day for me because he said he would like to go with us. It was crazy. I said ok...and we talked a little more and then he left. I am hoping it was not a fluke...that we are getting somewhere. KNOCK ON WOOD!!!!! And you better believe I will be praying tonight!!!!! I am not pulling any rods before I know the fish are on!!!
do you think this was a backslide for me with the sex and the convo?? we are not religious either, but I have to say that seeking out faith and going there in this crazy time has been a lifesaver. I feel like it is the ultimate 180 for me...and if I can encourage a more family oriented activity for the girls and H is willing to go too...even better. The thing with exploring faith in God right now that is helping me the most is the idea of unconditional love...and forgiveness. It is freeing up my mind and helping me with the DB techniques. In a sense...they seem like the same thing. DB is about setting your S free and doing something for yourself...so you can grow.
do you think this was a backslide for me with the sex and the convo?? we are not religious either, but I have to say that seeking out faith and going there in this crazy time has been a lifesaver. I feel like it is the ultimate 180 for me...and if I can encourage a more family oriented activity for the girls and H is willing to go too...even better. The thing with exploring faith in God right now that is helping me the most is the idea of unconditional love...and forgiveness. It is freeing up my mind and helping me with the DB techniques. In a sense...they seem like the same thing. DB is about setting your S free and doing something for yourself...so you can grow.
No, I don't think it was a backslide. However, I was thinking "good for her" when you said no. But I did that too. No one can say and I think it will not make or break your sitch. Eventually, you'll know if it feels wrong (I think H and I are both there).
Yep, I found my higher power and fast when the sh*t hit the fan...it is great that H is willing to go. Just keep up the GAL and focusing on you.
Here's the thing...I have of course been trying to decide whether it is cake eating at this point, as I have heard everyone here say it is different in every sitch. At first, H wouldn't even touch me. Wouldn't even hug me. My H is 32 years old, and pretty good looking (if I do say so myself!!) and I would rather him get his kicks from me than from someone else. That being said, I am 31 years old and not too shabby myself. I have needs as well. This was only the 2nd time since the separation...and it only happened way after I started DBing and noticing some positive reaction. I am not trying to say it ISN'T cake eating...but I just think there is a fine line. He is my husband after all, he knows me well, and he made it really hard to say no!!! So, I guess for now I am going to eliminate the opportunity for this to happen again. I will try to limit our meetings at the house, since this is the easiest place to have it happen...and see if the DBing continues to work. As the book DR suggests, I made a list of goals for what would indicate he has been rethinking things...and a possible reconciliation, and as of yesterday, (AFTER ML) I can cross another goal off my list which was including me in a future plan. He also made reference to "whatever happens with us" and wanting to move up North when he transfers. I do not know if he meant as a family, or what he thought might happen with us, but I didn't ask...I just listened. And when I thought the R talk was starting to get too intense I backed off. And I changed the subject...and that is when we talked about God, faith, and going to church and he said he would like to go with us. It was great...and that in itself is what has filled me with hope, more than the ML. It was something entirely different for us to consider than we would ever have done previously in our R. I just hope he follows through, but I am going to either way. I know this will take time. I am not going into it blindly. And I know there is a chance that he is cake eating or that is what it will become if I continue...when H left, he said he didn't want to be my lover anymore. It hurt especially because that has always been a bonus (great sex up until bomb!!!) in our R. I guess I don't mind the validation that that was a bunch of B.S.
So, in a sense I AM getting what I want right now. I wanted some sex...and I wanted some positive feedback from my DB efforts. Got both...now for the future...I want my H back and my family back together and if that means cutting him off from cake eating, that is what I will do. How do I do this and not rock the boat as far as re-establishing our friendship?? Any ideas Burt or do you just recognize the cake eating for what it is????
