LOL. I just looked back through my emails and realized that this separation really started building after H hooked up with rock star last September...it is rock star pulling his strings. Aaargh. It would be comical if my poor kids weren't in the middle.
I don't know if this is in your thread in the beginning, but what is the deal with that anyway? What is the connection between him and rock star? Work? From what i gathered he was working for someone and following all around living the life, but I guess that is all I know. It makes sense...that is a life people get sucked into..I just saw a show on T.V. the other day where people were talking about how being a celebrity can actually be considered an addiction. That is why Hollywood is so f*d up!!!!!!!!!
I know you want responses, and I've been trying to write something to you. But your situation is so alien to me, a H who is galavanting around the world with a rockstar, accepting gifts and collecting notes from famous actresses, while leaving his family to fend for themselves back in the real world....to me, in my mundane, housewife in the suburbs world, its just bizarre. I don't mean that as an insult. I'm just trying to explain why I can try to comment, but probably won't say anything of value.
I find you very self-aware. You do what you do by choice. So there is no point in telling you not to be a doormat to him, not to enable his extended adolescence. You could tell that to yourself, and you seem to, about half the time. Then you overrule it with the choice of loving him. So, as I see it, there you have it. You either choose to be his doormat and love him for it, or you choose to love yourself, which you haven't chosen yet. But you assure us that at some point you will change gears and love yourself. I hope you will do that. I am not a big fan of any rockstar, and I generally disrespect their lifestyle without knowing much about it.
Sara, it helps to get your feedback. I need perspective. I look at that lifestyle as similar to an A. It is the same kind of addiction. So that should give some context. It is also his livelihood and the way he thinks he will ultimately provide for us and get us out of debt etc. It is a long shot but possible. Is it worth it? No. Does it reflect my values? No.
I do not mean that I need to love him and stay with him. I mean that I want to accept him, which to me is a form of love. The love I am referring to is not about trying to win him back, it is about releasing him and cherishing him as my children's father. Maybe, there is the slightest chance we will come back together but I doubt it. And, maybe my expectations are ridiculous and I need him to get the f away from me for me to heal. I am trying to sort that out and it may take a while. For some reason having to pull the trigger is so hard as I want something so very different for my children...I get it, I am just really struggling with moving on it. So, in the meantime, I am trying to use some of the DB tools to get my act together and be ready to stand on my own two feet when the full physical separation happens. I do believe it is beneficial financially for me to wait as well. There should be some significant increase in his income soon if things pan out (that's a big IF)...so, by fall, when our lease is up, the fat lady will sing. I might take action sooner but I know that something must happen by then.
Alright. H told me earlier that I was acting weird. I asked him in what way. He said it seemed I was walking on eggshells (not such a great actress I guess). Then I said that I am just trying to be conscious, it is a weird situation. It got quiet.
H just called to say goodnight to the kids. I lost it. I told him about S6's meltdown and he said that maybe it is just because he was out of town. I told him that they have been asking why he can't live here and they don't understand and that I don't even tell him most of the time.
He asked to talk to the boys. Then he suggested to me that I take some time and go away somewhere (feels really awkward). Then we got to talking about the kids again. He said he thinks that once he gets his own place set up, it will be better and clearer for them. Tears. I said that I don't think him completely moving out is going to be easy for them to process and that D is very difficult for children but yes, it will be clearer. He said he knows and he's sorry. He said he really cares about me and he's not a monster. I cried and was silent and then he said that he was going to go if I wasn't going to speak. I said I am just listening and he could hear me crying. He said he felt bad and he had to go. At some point he said that maybe his moving into his own place will coincide with our moving out of this house so that will be easier.
So, La Moja is some fictional character whom I bear no resemblance to.
I feel as if I have built a house of glass that just got stepped on. I thought I was somewhere I was not. Or maybe it is ok that I am sad and upset. This is hard.
UUUGGGHHH!!!!!!! I hat these types of convos. Remember to NOT believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do. It is helpful for me to remember this. When does he plan on getting his own place. The day I came home and H had taken all his stuff was a tough one...I did the UGLY CRY in front of my kids...had no control. They comforted me. H will never know that. I hope I didn't mess them up too much by doing that. I think it is good that he called you back to see if you are OK...it shows he cares and it always feels good when you don't contact and they do. I wish I could give you a BIG HUG!!! What happened today was a little backslide...just a little one though and if you ask me it was well deserved. You are only human, and I think it was actually good that you got it out as I know you have been wanting to let him have it for awhile now. And you refrained from what I know you really wanna say!!!!!! This is SO hard......and as far as you not being somewhere you thought you were, remember we are ALL faking it till we make it!!!!!!!!!! No doubt! I will be thinking of you! And again....(((HUGS)))!!!!!!!
In a weird way, I'm jealous of your sitch. My H didn't bother to actually get a place, just took a duffle bag! He doesn't have the dough to pay for two homes, let alone one.
This limbo sucks a** and the further we go along, the more I feel certain that it is not his apprehension keeping him from really moving, just his financial limitations. However, there are no coincidences and a tiny part of me thinks that he is not ready to face really separating completely or he would find a way. Plus, all of this running away...
Nicole, I am actually ok. I had to tell my kids cuz they saw me crying. Those feelings are ok. You have them and you let them out and you move forward.
is there a part of you that wants to support his rock star dream... or was this a whim? If you used to be supportive, what changed do you think? How does H view your current position regarding following the tour, etc.? How do the kids feel about it?
Just curious if this is H's dream exclusively, or if it was something you guys talked about...
LOL. I just looked back through my emails and realized that this separation really started building after H hooked up with rock star last September...it is rock star pulling his strings. Aaargh. It would be comical if my poor kids weren't in the middle.
I don't know if this is in your thread in the beginning, but what is the deal with that anyway? What is the connection between him and rock star? Work? From what i gathered he was working for someone and following all around living the life, but I guess that is all I know. It makes sense...that is a life people get sucked into..I just saw a show on T.V. the other day where people were talking about how being a celebrity can actually be considered an addiction. That is why Hollywood is so f*d up!!!!!!!!!
Yep, collaborator/sidekick/fluffer (LOL)...and , H has an addictive personality and goes through phases so this is pretty blatant in that way.
is there a part of you that wants to support his rock star dream... or was this a whim? If you used to be supportive, what changed do you think? How does H view your current position regarding following the tour, etc.? How do the kids feel about it?
Just curious if this is H's dream exclusively, or if it was something you guys talked about...
H always wanted it. I was sort of his rock, his voice of reason. I encouraged him and supported him and even pushed him to take risks and go for it. But, I always felt like a partner and a priority. Once kids came, my expectations increased some but I actually think that his issues with his parents really did a number on him and the guilt and longing that came with leaving were hard for him. And we really didn't have the money or resources for him to support his family and live that life but it only motivated him more...it has been an issue for a long time. After we separated briefly 6 years ago, I agreed to lower my expectations and accept him going out and really pursuing his career. In exchange, he would agree to be home a few nights a week and give me some predictability, even if it was on a week to week basis. He could not stick to that and I had to hound him. This doesn't mean he wasn't present because he was but he would not make any real agreements so my home life always felt chaotic and like now, I felt we were supposed to feel lucky if he chose us over a dinner or event. We also had a ton of turmoil, moving multiple times, taking huge financial hits, family drama and a lot of it he blamed on me (I pushed to sell a house we owned many years ago)...anyway, the dream was ours. I have always been a part of it but when everything started to fall apart and he got that drowning feeling, he couldn't stick by me, needed to fly the coup. There are also other issues but basically, I thought that we'd make it together.
The traveling and going for his dream, I could live with. The dropping the bomb on me, making it all my fault and leaving me in the dust and then hitting the road was a little much after all these years. And my kids processing him basically moving out and then traveling for months on end really blows.
BUT, I picked him (I was young ) and I grew up here and I know the deal so I have to live with the consequences. I thought we would find a balance. I thought we could pull it off...
Oh, and the kids are relatively unimpressed. I mean what the heck do they care who he's cavorting with??? They want their dad. He tries to impress them and they get into it a little but thank God, they know it doesn't mean a hill of beans.
So... the question is, can you find a way to make it work - let him go after this dream and be a strong family. Or is this a deal breaker?
Well, I could absolutely do it if I felt we were still a family. The problem is he seems to be living as a single man and looking forward to all the freedom that affords.
So, the question is, can I wait it out until he gets it out of his system and the answer is no. I will not wait on my life. If he comes back to me and I happen to be available, I will consider it. But, I will not endure this indefinitely. I deserve a lot better. I made my mistakes but I want to be loved and be enough for myself and for the next love of my life (or H if it is meant to be). I have all but lost hope.
Once in a while, we've looked at each other and I've seen a maybe. But, it is not likely.
) and I grew up here and I know the deal so I have to live with the consequences. I thought we would find a balance. I thought we could pull it off...