Alright. H told me earlier that I was acting weird. I asked him in what way. He said it seemed I was walking on eggshells (not such a great actress I guess). Then I said that I am just trying to be conscious, it is a weird situation. It got quiet.
H just called to say goodnight to the kids. I lost it. I told him about S6's meltdown and he said that maybe it is just because he was out of town. I told him that they have been asking why he can't live here and they don't understand and that I don't even tell him most of the time.
He asked to talk to the boys. Then he suggested to me that I take some time and go away somewhere (feels really awkward). Then we got to talking about the kids again. He said he thinks that once he gets his own place set up, it will be better and clearer for them. Tears. I said that I don't think him completely moving out is going to be easy for them to process and that D is very difficult for children but yes, it will be clearer. He said he knows and he's sorry. He said he really cares about me and he's not a monster. I cried and was silent and then he said that he was going to go if I wasn't going to speak. I said I am just listening and he could hear me crying. He said he felt bad and he had to go. At some point he said that maybe his moving into his own place will coincide with our moving out of this house so that will be easier.
So, La Moja is some fictional character whom I bear no resemblance to.
I feel as if I have built a house of glass that just got stepped on. I thought I was somewhere I was not. Or maybe it is ok that I am sad and upset. This is hard.
UUUGGGHHH!!!!!!! I hat these types of convos. Remember to NOT believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do. It is helpful for me to remember this. When does he plan on getting his own place. The day I came home and H had taken all his stuff was a tough one...I did the UGLY CRY in front of my kids...had no control. They comforted me. H will never know that. I hope I didn't mess them up too much by doing that. I think it is good that he called you back to see if you are OK...it shows he cares and it always feels good when you don't contact and they do. I wish I could give you a BIG HUG!!! What happened today was a little backslide...just a little one though and if you ask me it was well deserved. You are only human, and I think it was actually good that you got it out as I know you have been wanting to let him have it for awhile now. And you refrained from what I know you really wanna say!!!!!! This is SO hard......and as far as you not being somewhere you thought you were, remember we are ALL faking it till we make it!!!!!!!!!! No doubt! I will be thinking of you! And again....(((HUGS)))!!!!!!!
In a weird way, I'm jealous of your sitch. My H didn't bother to actually get a place, just took a duffle bag! He doesn't have the dough to pay for two homes, let alone one.
This limbo sucks a** and the further we go along, the more I feel certain that it is not his apprehension keeping him from really moving, just his financial limitations. However, there are no coincidences and a tiny part of me thinks that he is not ready to face really separating completely or he would find a way. Plus, all of this running away...
Nicole, I am actually ok. I had to tell my kids cuz they saw me crying. Those feelings are ok. You have them and you let them out and you move forward.
