I know you want responses, and I've been trying to write something to you. But your situation is so alien to me, a H who is galavanting around the world with a rockstar, accepting gifts and collecting notes from famous actresses, while leaving his family to fend for themselves back in the real world....to me, in my mundane, housewife in the suburbs world, its just bizarre. I don't mean that as an insult. I'm just trying to explain why I can try to comment, but probably won't say anything of value.
I find you very self-aware. You do what you do by choice. So there is no point in telling you not to be a doormat to him, not to enable his extended adolescence. You could tell that to yourself, and you seem to, about half the time. Then you overrule it with the choice of loving him. So, as I see it, there you have it. You either choose to be his doormat and love him for it, or you choose to love yourself, which you haven't chosen yet. But you assure us that at some point you will change gears and love yourself. I hope you will do that. I am not a big fan of any rockstar, and I generally disrespect their lifestyle without knowing much about it.
Sara, it helps to get your feedback. I need perspective. I look at that lifestyle as similar to an A. It is the same kind of addiction. So that should give some context. It is also his livelihood and the way he thinks he will ultimately provide for us and get us out of debt etc. It is a long shot but possible. Is it worth it? No. Does it reflect my values? No.
I do not mean that I need to love him and stay with him. I mean that I want to accept him, which to me is a form of love. The love I am referring to is not about trying to win him back, it is about releasing him and cherishing him as my children's father. Maybe, there is the slightest chance we will come back together but I doubt it. And, maybe my expectations are ridiculous and I need him to get the f away from me for me to heal. I am trying to sort that out and it may take a while. For some reason having to pull the trigger is so hard as I want something so very different for my children...I get it, I am just really struggling with moving on it. So, in the meantime, I am trying to use some of the DB tools to get my act together and be ready to stand on my own two feet when the full physical separation happens. I do believe it is beneficial financially for me to wait as well. There should be some significant increase in his income soon if things pan out (that's a big IF)...so, by fall, when our lease is up, the fat lady will sing. I might take action sooner but I know that something must happen by then.
