NO. Because I see it as my challenge to love him fully before he leaves.
Ok. For all of the fans of Freud out there. My father died when I was just in the midst of fully detaching from him. I was not able to "love him fully" before he left"...hmmm....or did I? I held his hand for three months and loved him through the pain, and disappointment and discomfort. What am I reliving here? Am I making it the same or different? Lots to chew on.
AK...I really feel for you tonight. I am sure you are emotionally exhausted from spinning for the last couple days. Whether you find your footing or not, his mere presence is enough to send you spinning at this point. I just had to add that this hits home for me...my father has been absent from my life, by his own choice. I saw him this past summer for the first time in 6 years...and before that maybe once every 2-3 years. He lives alone and far away, a loner and all around weird guy if you ask me. He is always normal when i actually see him...his normal alcoholic self...but he is my Dad nonetheless. I want to reach out more to him but am afraid of the rejection...but I am also afraid he might die before I "fully love him". So, that all being said...I think it is ok to analyze how these situations affect our personalities within the R and how that has contributed to our current states. BUT, I do not think that it is relative to WHY we want our marriages to work out. I think you know the ramifications of it not working out...maybe that has something to do with knowing what it is like to grow up that way...but IMHO you are making it WAY different...a)because it just is...and b) because you are proactively figuring it out. If your H doesn't wake up one day, you will leave him in the dust...and you can since he is not your dad. And if he does wake up one of these days, he will have to validate YOU for being the one to save your marriage. Very different.
