Hi, I'm still new here and getting over the shock of H's emotional affairs. Trying to GAL but really screwing everything up I think. Could use some tips on my sitch today:
H and I are in a unique situation with our son's school that has raised an ultimatum of sorts. If we can't make our marriage work and can't live together in the same house peacefully, I thought that I would need to move out. H refuses to move out of our house. Otherwise, we'll owe $9K for son's school in the fall. So, we're kind of in a bind to make a decision by July 1st. Awhile ago, we agreed that we needed to set a deadline for either working on the marriage or getting the Big D. Now I see that this kind of thinking is more or less setting up failure for DBing, anyone agree? H has the "pressure" of making a choice. This basically goes against everything DBing, correct? We should NOT be talking about the relationship, instead focusing on our son and what is best for him.
Yesterday, it occurred to me that this "pressure" of making a choice is all a moot point. Whether or not H wants to work on marriage, I should not have to move out, find a new school for son, find a new place to live, put myself financially in a vise, and more or less have my life completely turned inside out. We can't afford to get divorced now anyway b/c we can't sell our house.
So...what should I do? Here's what I'm thinking. Tell H tonight that I've given this a lot of thought...that we don't have to make any big decisions right now. Let's just agree to do right by our son...send him to his great school this fall b/c that will be best for him, best for me (really), and best for H who needs time to sort out his feelings post-affair fog. And we'll just see what happens with us?
Do I sound very pragmatic and reasonable to the guys out there? H sees me as an emotional wreck. Would love some more DBing advice from any WAHs out there. I keep buying all of his favorite foods, doing all of the wrong things. I would love some tips. Thanks in advance!!!
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
Hi - Oh, sorry about jumping. Still learning the board's ettiquette. I had a rather long first post and thought I'd start a few new ones with different questions.
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
sorry I got lost in all your threads so I couldn't find your background. But from what I gathered, what you said here:
"Tell H tonight that I've given this a lot of thought...that we don't have to make any big decisions right now. Let's just agree to do right by our son...send him to his great school this fall b/c that will be best for him"
This is the best response. Then end it. Don't talk about the R.
I think you mentioned somewhere that you moved out? If so, move back home ASAP and take a strong stance in that.
In terms of your H's A, he's going to start blaming you for everything from how you caused his A to why the sun isn't shining outside. My W and many many other WAS's tend to blame their spouses for their own unhappiness. While it takes two to tango, we LBS did not "make" our spouses fall into bed with someone else.
Stand strong and confident. It's going to be the hardest thing you will ever go through and the emotional rollercoaster your H is on is going to get even crazier. The trick is to not get on that ride with him. You can't analyze crazy. Just do what you need to do to take care of you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks, stuck808. I appreciate the feedback. Sorry I'm all over the place. I think I'm driving Puppy crazy! Sorry Puppy!
When I got home tonight, H asked if I wanted to talk. He seemed sad and was expecting me to reach out to him per the usual. Instead, I did a 180. I didn't say much to him but was pleasant. I said, "no I'm ok" in a pleasant tone and then went about my plans to work out. I pulled back b/c I want a few days of peace and I'm trying very hard to detach. I don't want to bring anything up right now. We've not been able to go a day without some kind of tension. He came over to wish me a good night and again I was friendly but didn't give him a hug. He seemed disappointed again. But I didn't let that derail me. It was so hard!
I'm holding on to the response I crafted and will save it for our MC session later this week. He asked ME if I wanted to go to MC. I said it was up to him, that I didn't want to pressure him. He said that he WANTS to go to MC. I'm taking this as a good sign. Of course, he was still having an EA with his therapist when we started MC. Neither one of us has ever moved out. In fact, he refuses to. Now, I refuse to as well.
Today I felt very angry at him...more like disgusted. When I look back at the affair timeline, I was reaching out to him for MONTHS before anything happened. It all started in April when he revealed his feelings to his therapist. I sensed his unhappiness and saw what he was doing online and was worried he was considering an affair back in February. So despite everything I did to reach out to him, he did it anyway. WTF?!!!!! Like Puppy said in another one of my posts, the affair is a drug.
Short of having H tailed by a PI...I still don't know for sure if the EA is over. I've seen no evidence that it's still ongoing, and I'm pretty sure my threats about reporting his therapist to the social workers' board were received.
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
The issue is if you can get yourself to trust him again. He has to EARN it and not expect it. You'll have to establish boundaries and goals that he must do. If not, then he's out the door on YOUR terms.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
When I look back at the affair timeline, I was reaching out to him for MONTHS before anything happened. It all started in April when he revealed his feelings to his therapist. I sensed his unhappiness and saw what he was doing online and was worried he was considering an affair back in February. So despite everything I did to reach out to him, he did it anyway. WTF?!!!!! Like Puppy said in another one of my posts, the affair is a drug.
OK, he reached OUT to her in April, but how long had he been going to her for therapy? I'm thinking he may have already been emotionally attached to her by February?
