Alright. H told me earlier that I was acting weird. I asked him in what way. He said it seemed I was walking on eggshells (not such a great actress I guess). Then I said that I am just trying to be conscious, it is a weird situation. It got quiet.
H just called to say goodnight to the kids. I lost it. I told him about S6's meltdown and he said that maybe it is just because he was out of town. I told him that they have been asking why he can't live here and they don't understand and that I don't even tell him most of the time.
He asked to talk to the boys. Then he suggested to me that I take some time and go away somewhere (feels really awkward). Then we got to talking about the kids again. He said he thinks that once he gets his own place set up, it will be better and clearer for them. Tears. I said that I don't think him completely moving out is going to be easy for them to process and that D is very difficult for children but yes, it will be clearer. He said he knows and he's sorry. He said he really cares about me and he's not a monster. I cried and was silent and then he said that he was going to go if I wasn't going to speak. I said I am just listening and he could hear me crying. He said he felt bad and he had to go. At some point he said that maybe his moving into his own place will coincide with our moving out of this house so that will be easier.
So, La Moja is some fictional character whom I bear no resemblance to.
I feel as if I have built a house of glass that just got stepped on. I thought I was somewhere I was not. Or maybe it is ok that I am sad and upset. This is hard.
Well of course you are hurting. Be aware though that this happens to us all many times. I've heard the divorce speech several times. I've heard the "I'm not a monster" speech as well. Comes and goes.
I was talking a friend the other day. Her husband has been doing this for two years. On saturday he was talking divorce. On sunday he was signing up for MC with her. Go figure. I don't think this will happen like that for you right now. But know that these things happen. Don't lose hope. Don't think he's not truly sorry. For many things. I know you feel bad and I'm not suggesting that you avoid those feelings. I'm not. But know that it gets better. You get better and that changes your perspective of the situation.
And you are a wonderful woman. It comes through. Keep growing. Keep working on you especially since you can control you and are worth it and will greatly benefit from it. I can put more and's in there, but you get the idea
Be good to you. Lick your wounds and feel your feelings. They are there for a reason. But know that you will get better and you will be happy again and so will your children.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Ok, so I was going to text H that I was feeling better etc. but decided, nope, focus on me. I'll see him again tomorrow and it will be a new day.
H called about 10 minutes later to make sure I was ok. I told him much better and that is just hard to watch S6 go through that and think of what the kids are going through.
He then asked to speak to S6 who was not interested (usually isn't). I told H I think he is more of an in person kind of guy.
I thanked H for calling, that I really appreciate it and I am looking forward to reading with the boys and reconnecting with S6.
I almost hate making my pain all about the kids. That was such a big R thing, that it was all about the kids. It feels disingenuous...it is obviously not just about them.
Those conversations are always hard. I have gotten a number of them as well. It is almost as if they are timed to catch you when your expectations are high and your defenses are low.
Take care of yourself. Get a good nights sleep.
Remember, you are running a marathon, not a sprint.
Thinker
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thanks Thinker. I am so appreciative when I have a response here (I guess I'm a tad "needy")...no one IRL really knows what I'm going through because I try not to talk about it.
This marathon feels so much more about me than about saving my M. That is a positive, I think.
Funny enough, I did not really expect anything too different from what I'm getting, it is just the horror of living through the things that I have braced myself for. I will be ok. I may cry more, but I'll be ok.
NO. Because I see it as my challenge to love him fully before he leaves.
Ok. For all of the fans of Freud out there. My father died when I was just in the midst of fully detaching from him. I was not able to "love him fully" before he left"...hmmm....or did I? I held his hand for three months and loved him through the pain, and disappointment and discomfort. What am I reliving here? Am I making it the same or different? Lots to chew on.
AK...I really feel for you tonight. I am sure you are emotionally exhausted from spinning for the last couple days. Whether you find your footing or not, his mere presence is enough to send you spinning at this point. I just had to add that this hits home for me...my father has been absent from my life, by his own choice. I saw him this past summer for the first time in 6 years...and before that maybe once every 2-3 years. He lives alone and far away, a loner and all around weird guy if you ask me. He is always normal when i actually see him...his normal alcoholic self...but he is my Dad nonetheless. I want to reach out more to him but am afraid of the rejection...but I am also afraid he might die before I "fully love him". So, that all being said...I think it is ok to analyze how these situations affect our personalities within the R and how that has contributed to our current states. BUT, I do not think that it is relative to WHY we want our marriages to work out. I think you know the ramifications of it not working out...maybe that has something to do with knowing what it is like to grow up that way...but IMHO you are making it WAY different...a)because it just is...and b) because you are proactively figuring it out. If your H doesn't wake up one day, you will leave him in the dust...and you can since he is not your dad. And if he does wake up one of these days, he will have to validate YOU for being the one to save your marriage. Very different.
I know you want responses, and I've been trying to write something to you. But your situation is so alien to me, a H who is galavanting around the world with a rockstar, accepting gifts and collecting notes from famous actresses, while leaving his family to fend for themselves back in the real world....to me, in my mundane, housewife in the suburbs world, its just bizarre. I don't mean that as an insult. I'm just trying to explain why I can try to comment, but probably won't say anything of value.
I find you very self-aware. You do what you do by choice. So there is no point in telling you not to be a doormat to him, not to enable his extended adolescence. You could tell that to yourself, and you seem to, about half the time. Then you overrule it with the choice of loving him. So, as I see it, there you have it. You either choose to be his doormat and love him for it, or you choose to love yourself, which you haven't chosen yet. But you assure us that at some point you will change gears and love yourself. I hope you will do that. I am not a big fan of any rockstar, and I generally disrespect their lifestyle without knowing much about it.
Thanks. I feel a little schizo. I get so clear that I need to accept H and love him the way he is (including him going on his wild ride without us) and then, I see my little guys suffering and I want to strangle him.
But, overall, I am ok.
Regarding your dad, you know, I think you can fully love someone from a distance (maybe this applies to our sitches with H's too). It was not my fault that I couldn't connect with my father, I was just a child and he was weird too. I think it is worth risking rejection for you to try to connect but if he doesn't bring something positive to your life, especially in your sitch, I would just try to make peace with loving him from a distance.
Yes, my experience of D from my childhood really impacts my feelings about this. And, I was blessed to have a step-dad who is now my "real" dad and I love him dearly but my childhood sucked.
H mentioned today about how he was just getting used to life in Europe and I validated. He mentioned wanting to split his time. It really got me thinking that there could be a significant OW there. I have thought that before but I sure feel that he is being pulled. It could be the lure of the limelight, that is a strong force but being away from his kids this much? I don't know.
LOL. I just looked back through my emails and realized that this separation really started building after H hooked up with rock star last September...it is rock star pulling his strings. Aaargh. It would be comical if my poor kids weren't in the middle.
Alright. H told me earlier that I was acting weird. I asked him in what way. He said it seemed I was walking on eggshells (not such a great actress I guess). Then I said that I am just trying to be conscious, it is a weird situation. It got quiet.
H just called to say goodnight to the kids. I lost it. I told him about S6's meltdown and he said that maybe it is just because he was out of town. I told him that they have been asking why he can't live here and they don't understand and that I don't even tell him most of the time.
He asked to talk to the boys. Then he suggested to me that I take some time and go away somewhere (feels really awkward). Then we got to talking about the kids again. He said he thinks that once he gets his own place set up, it will be better and clearer for them. Tears. I said that I don't think him completely moving out is going to be easy for them to process and that D is very difficult for children but yes, it will be clearer. He said he knows and he's sorry. He said he really cares about me and he's not a monster. I cried and was silent and then he said that he was going to go if I wasn't going to speak. I said I am just listening and he could hear me crying. He said he felt bad and he had to go. At some point he said that maybe his moving into his own place will coincide with our moving out of this house so that will be easier.
So, La Moja is some fictional character whom I bear no resemblance to.
I feel as if I have built a house of glass that just got stepped on. I thought I was somewhere I was not. Or maybe it is ok that I am sad and upset. This is hard.
UUUGGGHHH!!!!!!! I hat these types of convos. Remember to NOT believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do. It is helpful for me to remember this. When does he plan on getting his own place. The day I came home and H had taken all his stuff was a tough one...I did the UGLY CRY in front of my kids...had no control. They comforted me. H will never know that. I hope I didn't mess them up too much by doing that. I think it is good that he called you back to see if you are OK...it shows he cares and it always feels good when you don't contact and they do. I wish I could give you a BIG HUG!!! What happened today was a little backslide...just a little one though and if you ask me it was well deserved. You are only human, and I think it was actually good that you got it out as I know you have been wanting to let him have it for awhile now. And you refrained from what I know you really wanna say!!!!!! This is SO hard......and as far as you not being somewhere you thought you were, remember we are ALL faking it till we make it!!!!!!!!!! No doubt! I will be thinking of you! And again....(((HUGS)))!!!!!!!
