First let me start by saying tha you have been thru just about the worst year I can think of and I admire your strength and fortitude and determination to make your M work. I think miscarriages are one of the toughest things for a person to go thru.....let alone 2 people. I always think of marriage as this continuum upon which 3 relationships are being managed. One is your own self, two is H's self, and three is the R or M. Yours just got even more complicated with the loss of a child. I am so sorry for your loss.
I think we all have different ways of dealing with the issues that come up in our lives and it seems to me that some problems are harder for one partner to face than the other and the disconnect starts to happen. One thing that I am trying to understand is why my H and I got together in the first place. We have such a different background and like your H, my H has never actually seen a M work. We discussed this and had come up with plans to attack this when we hit rough spots....and yet he choose to not just walk away but go ahead an file for D.
Have you moved away already?
As far as the contact is concerned, I think going dark is good, but if you have an opportunity for contact, definately use it. Look good...Kenn told me that it helps....
I am still working on the entire going dark thing, as you know. I think for me, I have to be more assertive but not tell him how I am feeling. I stay very neutral and "as if" when I have contact with him. Really he doesn't know what to do. In your case, you may have to ride this out a bit longer until H gets tired of OW. I am not sure about that. I will think about it and get back to you.
Right now, the most important thing is to form a support system. I think the first two weeks, I was constantly on the phone with one friend or another. Its difficult, but you are keeping a PMA and that is a lot.
I think you are doing very well. Give yourself a pat on the back!
Also, I am glad that you are sleeping now. Kara gave me this tip on using lavender essential oil. Dab a couple of drops on a couple of cotton ball and place on either side of pillow. OR use lavender in a bath before bed or I just do that when I start feeling panic. It has really helped me relax!
