Stress, WAW and life in general III

[AJM]

Thanks Sam. You're right. I'm starting to come out of my pity party.

Truth is, I don't think she can do much more. I'm angry that she put the effort into other things and people and keeps me hanging on. It makes me angry that she blames me for things she's done. It makes me angry that we're in this situation and I feel like I have very little part in it. More like she's trying to control things in her world to gain her equilibrium. That's how it feels.

Just the same, I'm running on empty. I am aware of that. That's ok though. There's a part of me that feels this is like working out: you spend the first 30 minutes running until you're tired. It's the next 10 minutes that real growth occurs. Hard to remember while on this crazy train, but I'm working it out. Slowly.

Weird sh*t gets to me. She called and wants me to reserve a room in the mountains for our anniversary next month. I almost screamed, "why!!!??" She doesn't want to even hug me. I feel like a leper around her and don't even want to date her tomorrow night. Just the same, I'll pull myself together and I know I'll be there.

Doormat? No. But I have been pushed and feel I've been taken advantage of. I'll have to work on that.

I have to admit, I've really questioned why I continue. I've considered asking her why she doesn't just let me go. I think I know the answer to that though. For me, it's not yet time for divorce. I've been closer lately though. I think that's how I know I'm empty and how I know that growth is coming. The pain acts as a bell weather. The pain is in my head. My heart. But it's mine and is because of my own thoughts. I have to do better and I will.

Thanks for checking in.
AJ