Over the Shock and GALing 5

[Thinker]

First fight in a while with W tonight...

Of course, over the household chores...

It's probably a pretty typical marital spat. It was late and I still have work to do and suddenly realized that I had forgotten to clean the kitchen (I clean the kitchen every night, W cooks). I was rushing to get it finished and as she walked through the kitchen on her way upstairs I asked "Can you help me dry a bit?". No answer, so I repeated my question. Again no answer (she says she answered both times "No", but I never heard it) - she turned and left. I was confused and wondering "why is she just ignoring me", so I followed and asked - which caused the sky to fall in....

- I don't know why you think can't clean a few dishes yourself
- Why are you so selfish
- Why is everything about you
- Why is everything so tit for tat.
- Why are you keeping tabs of how many chores you do and counting it against what I do.
- Can't you see how much I do all day while you just sit in your office.
- You just think you are so selfless, but...
- Why can't you take care of the kids
- you think that just because you do few chores and loads of laundry...


on and on....

in every sentence she escalated immediately to broad general attacks. Her general fight strategy seems to be:
- Avoid talking about the specific topic
- Escalate immediately to broad personal attacks
- Get in the last word
- End the conversation by cutting it off and requesting that I leave the room.

Oh well - just frustrating for a person like me who would like to talk through the issue sanely until we find a resolution.

At least I now know that she is resentful at how much work she has to do around the house, and she feels that I don't contribute enough...

Pretty typical, I guess.

This was a valid complaint of hers a while ago. Now it is not, but she is hanging on to it. I think I pretty much do half of the work that is out there (with the exception of the workday childcare while I am working).

I think I am going to have to bring it up again tomorrow to try to find out where the pain points are and see what we can work out. In the past she has resisted all attempts to work out a schedule of responsibilities or similar, wanting instead to reserve the right to be angry whenever she feels overwhelmed.

But I'll try again...