Thank you for stopping by my thread and asking me to check out your stitch. I take that as a high compliment and sure hope I don't let you down. There is much I want to say to you and I hope that it will come through the way I feel it in my heart.
First of all, you sound like a very mature lady to be so young. I don't think I was near as mature at that age! Troubles seem to bring that about, doesn't it? Although, I have to add that some people choose to grow up while others choose to run from it.
You and your H have been hit very hard with heartache. Your H faced troubled times when he was young and now he may have the attitude that "trouble" just follows him around. Perhaps he is running. IMHO, I think that is exactly what he is doing.
I had miscarriages, but never was I that far along and experienced what you did. I cannot imagine how horrible that must be for you and your H. Isn't it ironic that he actaully wanted to be a father, when so many young men do not desire that responsibility? Do you think it had something to do with his own parents leaving him? Sometimes when a person did not have a "real" home/parents, it causes them to want to have their own family.
We could talk all day about how this trama affects mothers, but to sum it up.......you have experienced a tragidy that no parent ever wants to have to face. Another sad thing is that neither of you had much of a chance to gieve over the loss of your baby until you had to run to help the family and the problems that laid there. So much burden for such a young couple! What is amazing to me is the fact that you do not sound bitter. A lot of women would feel that way after what you experienced. I think that says a lot about you as a person.
You said that at first the two of you leaned on each other and were close after losing the baby, but then grew apart and dealt with the situation differently. Over the years I have seen the death of a child do one of two things to a couple. It will either bring them closer together or break them apart. I know that your desire is to stay together and your concern for your H is showing just how much you truly care for him.
I feel that your H was not as mature as you were in a lot of things. For instance, the responsibility with paying bills, etc. Many people who are immature--or maybe even self-centered a bit--can't deal with whatever the problem (or fact of life) may be. Instead, they just tune it out as if it didn't exsist......or lets somebody else deal with it. Have you noticed that he was that way about "most" things?
In reading your stitch, it appears that when the two of you suffered the loss of the baby......it was another one of those things in life that your H could not deal with. I wish I could word that in a better way, b/c I don't want to hurt you more than you already are. The fact is, it was terrible on you giving birth to the child and then having to deal with the grief and disappointment of being told what the doctor said. Not only are you grieving for "this" baby, but for other babies you may try to have. This is not something you should have to face alone, and you would certainly think you could lean on your H. The two of you together could face whatever decision you both came to, right? However, I don't think he can handle the fact that having babies in the future will be a difficult achievement. It is hard for us women to think like a man, but I am guessing that this news was taken by him in a different way than what you took it. To a man, I believe he may have seen this as not only a very huge disappointment. but I am wondering if he didn't see it as "failure" on his part as a man? Of course we as women would not think that about our H's. However, some men do have these notions and it is hard for them to get past that thought pattern. If he had had an IC like he should have, he would have been counseled about it and reassured that nothing about "him" was to blame. Nither of you are to blame, but is one of those things in life that we don't understand and seems very unfair (as I am sure you have heard others say many times).
If he wasn't talked to about this from his counselor, then there is no telling what he may be feeling. Every time he looks at you, he may feel that he is not "man enought" to be able to father a child. Or.....he may think he has let you down as a husband and that you would be better off with another man. A lot of that probably depends on what he was taught as a child. That type of "thinking" is hard to break away from its roots.
If he doesn't talk about this with you, then you may never know the truth behind what he is really feeling. Again, I am speculating at this. But, I think I can tell you that he is not being honest with you.
I think he is running away from the truth. He can't deal with it, so he is running. He would not be the first and he won't be the last. That is a lot of people's way of "handling" what they can't really deal with. Of course, nothing is solved, but still that is what they do.
I almost knew what was coming before you told about his job, the long hours, and the OW. I want to tell you what I told another lady. The OW has nothing to do with what your H is doing. She is not the issue, okay? She is simply a salve he is looking to in hopes she will make his pain go away. He may try hard to convince himself that it is working, but some day.......he will discover that the job, the OW, or nothing else will take care of his emptiness--but you.
What do you do in the meantime? First of all, do not pursue in any way, shape, or form!! It will run him farther away. You have told him that you still love him and want the M to work, etc. Please do not tell him that again b/c he knows it and it will have the opposite affects if you continue to tell him. Instead of making him feel the love for you....it will scare him and push him away from you. He is scared, you know, and is running hard to forget all the pain he has suffered and caused you to suffer.
By ignoring his family and the friends the two of you have together.....that tells me he is trying to blot out all the memories he use to have--that now bring him pain. Oh, that sounds so bad to word it like that and I'm sorry for being so blunt. Wish I was better at this! You have the same memories, but you are dealing with it differently than he is. When you look at how he is "drowning" himself in work, new friends, and other things, doesn't it make sense that he is trying to stop thinking and "remembering"? When he sees his family, friends, and especially you......the memories come flooding back. Along with the memories, he feels like a failure.
I believe if you can take the "wait", and hope & pray for him to find a healthy way to face things and stop blaming himself for what "is", then I would tell you to hang on. Don't give him up if you feel that he is worth it. It will take much strength, which you certainly have.....no doubt about that! However, not knowing to what lengths he may go to "drown" everything out.....well, that is kind of scary. Hopefully, he will wake up to the fact he does not love this OW (and in fact, I'm sure he already knows that) or do something crazy.....like get M. Hopefully, he will realize that he cannot continue to run from the love he has for you. In time, when he sees that you are not going to D him and find another person to make a life with......then he may come to his senses. In the meantime, you must give him tons and tons of space for him to find a way to face what he needs to deal with, and be able to live without self-blame or guilt. It will take much time for him to be able to look at you without feeling guilty or even sad. You know that is not "your" fault! He is the one who doesn't know how to deal. I know that you could claim the same thing, but we are trying to think as a man......and that is hard, huh?
Some day when he sees you it will hit him so hard just how much he loves you and he'll know he can't run and hide from that. He'll know that no other person or life will do for him what "you" do. Don't believe all that stuff he is saying now b/c it is only a "cover-up" for what he's really thinking and feeling.
Your thread has had a rather slow take-off but if you will do as you did with me, and go to other people's thread and talk to them, then you will build up a stronger support system. Post when you need to vent, or when you are sad and lonely. Post whenever you want to talk or cry. Post all the time in order to gain strength to get through this.
If you begin to feel that he will not make a turn-around and that life is slipping by, then you need to move forward and make a new life for yourself. In the meantime, you go on and get a life and enjoy it as best as you can until he returns or you feel that it is time to tell him good-bye. Remember not to send postcards or emails. Don't TM his or call. Stay out of his life until the time is right for him to go find you. If you push......you will lose him forever.
Are you seeing a counselor now? Did you get help in "grief" conseling? Before he left, did you and your H ever discuss what the two of you wanted to do about having children in the future? You don't have to say and it's not any of my business......I just wondered if he would even discuss it when the two of you were leaning on each other.
I will talk to you later. If ever you need to find me, come to Sandi's Place in the Piecing forum and look me up.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
