Fire's burning out...just smoldering

[S.T. _I Made It!]

hey B.

I don't have time to catch up, but wanted to say I was thinking of you and hope you are well and not sick anymore.

I noticed you mentioned the cry-it-out method in the last thread.

I know that after going thru the initial crying it out, it makes for easier bed time and such, however, I just have to share this info because I am very strongly against that method.

There was a harvard study done and shows that this method is damaging, as in life long damaging. so please read it and make an informed decision. I know so many people do it, but it doesn't make it healthy.

http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/1998/04.09/ChildrenNeedTou.html

[S.T. _I Made It!]

oh, there is also a no cry it out method, and I have the book at home, but I'm out of town, so when I get back, I will tell you what it's called. I think that's actually the name though, the no cry it out method.

[Startingover2]

Checking on you BS!

[blindsided1]

I'm okay. I haven't been having the best few days. I feel a bit depressed. I have been having some really confusing dreams about H. One minute, we are together and happy. The next minute, he is with OW and treating me like crap. I am pretty unhappy right now. He dropped K off early on Saturday. An hour and a half early. Whatever. Again, he asks about having sex. I feel so disrespected by him. I can hardly stand it. What does he think? That I'm just going to jump all over that. "Oh, H, you are so irresistable, I gotta have me a piece of that." I don't think so.
So, later that night, he calls me. He asks me what my plans for K are on Friday. I tell him that it's my birthday and I want her with me. He says that he knows it's my birthday, but can he borrow her for an hour and then bring her to the restaurant where we are having dinner. I tell that's fine. Then about an hour later, he texts me asking if he can have her for a couple hours on Tuesday, too. I said that was fine, she likes to spend time with you...blah blah blah. He says if he takes her Tues he doesn't need her on Friday. I don't ask him why he wants her. I don't think I want to know. But, then my mind goes crazy, speculating. The sad thing is, at first, I thought it was a ploy to get to see me on my birthday. Funny, how full of myself am I? Like he would ever do anything nice for me or even wish me a Happy Birthday. These thoughts lead into a pity party. It made me think about how he didn't even wish me a Happy Mother's Day or anything. He didn't wish me a Merry Xmas. I just HATE him for being so uncaring and unfeeling.

Then if I didn't punish myself enough...I go and look at his FB page. And, OW is on there constantly talking about how he cooks dinner for her and brings it to her work all the time. How MY H is the best and she is blessed and spoiled.

He NEVER took care of me. He very rarely did ANYTHING for me. Maybe in the beginning, he bent over backwards. But, it didn't take him long to just stop caring about me. So, what makes her so F'ing special? It hurt to see him playing Mr. Mom and cookiing and taking care of the kids and cleaning house. He never lifted a finger when we were together. So, wonderful. They're perfect for each other and they are so very happy. They have their happy family, happy life and are so in love. Where is the fairness in all of that? I guess, the fact that he is constantly trying to cheat on her, is something.

I don't know. He is still taking care of her and her kids and not taking care of his wife and daughter.

I hate him. Some days (like today) I wish he would just disappear. I sometimes feel like he is the worst thing that ever happened to me...except I got the best thing that ever happened to me...K. So, I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that maybe that's what he was put into my life for. That was his purpose, he did it and now he is gone. But, why did the way he left have to be so bad? I'm a good person. I have a good heart. I forgive and try to be good to everyone. Why do I get sh!t on?

I hate today.

[blindsided1]

I appreciate the article ST. I agree with some of it, definitely. But, not all of it. I disagree that you should rush to your child each time it lets out a whimper. But, that is just my opinion. I kinda felt like the writer was a little judgemental and went a tad overboard calling it "punishment and abandonment". But, nonetheless, it was a good article to read. Personally, K sleeps in my room, in her own crib. She is by nature a fussy baby when she is tired. So, when I put her down to sleep, she cries for about 2 minutes. Sometimes longer if she is over stimulated. But, I never let her go past 5 minutes. She goes to bed pretty easily. If she does wake up crying and doesn't immediately go back to sleep, I first try to console her in her own bed. If that doesn't work, I bring her into bed with me for a few minutes, but then put her in her own bed when she has calmed down. I guess, in a way, I am trying to be middle of the road on this topic. I don't believe in letting your child cry for hours on end, not even for 15 minutes. But, I also don't want her to become so dependant on sleeping in my bed. Unfortunately, her father is of the "let her cry until she is blue in the face" method. I have heard from BIL that he leaves her in her crib screaming for an hour until she wears herself out. This I DO believe is VERY damaging. I have tried to talk to him about it, but eveyone knows how well that goes over with MY H. I notice that when she comes home from his house, she is more agressive and she often cries in her sleep. It concerns me. But, I don't know how to combat him on this. So, I just try to be the best mom I can be. And, comfort my daughter and let her know that Mommy is here and she is fine.

Thanks. I am willing to read anything on child rearing. It can only make me a better parent to be more educated.

[kassie]

You won't like the answer... when you are a good person you will attract people who may or may not be good to you.

You did nothing to cause his behavior, he is responsible for it.

Learn from it and choose wisely the next time. I wish I could do something for you, it is a tough position to be in. My sitch gets a little better but every inch is hard. We live in a world where things are both easier and harder. It doesn't help to focus on the blame but on the day - on what really counts - on who you are as a person and your way in the world. Get angry and let it go. Don't hold onto it.

And if I just hit a wrong chord with you - yell back at me I have broad shoulders. Have a good night.

[MrBond]

I have to say...I've read through your entire journey and you are an amazing woman.

What a jerk your H has become. Does the OW know that he propositions you? I don't know if that's an issue to tell the courts, but if he's got that kind of messed up sexual priorities, I would be concerned about your little girl with him.

This coming from a guy's POV.

You are doing great though. Hang in there.

[Startingover2]

Blindsided is amazing. Very strong and has made it through alot of crap her H has dished out to her.

Your H is like mine....ewwww makes me wonder who he was with when we were married and together. What he may have brought home with him.

Keep blowing him off. You are doing great!

[blindsided1]

Actually, that was the perfect thing to say Kassie. There are some days where it is just hard to "let it go". I cried again last night at the thought that I will be D in a few days. I hate that label. I hate the idea. I hate everything about it. Except...it gives me a second chance at a better life, marriage and family.

[kassie]

Yeah, I hated that word before, and I loathed it when it came up again. But you know what? My friends are great! They tore the word up in all kinds of ways until I was able to let go of my judgment and expectations and saw what was important and I just want to pass that onto you at this time in your life.

I think you mentioned your friends having a D party for you? Is it still on? Everything in balance.