Anyone else here have a H who says "I love you, I just don't love our relationship"? He's never said the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" thing. Anyone have any interpretations to share?
Also, I still feel mostly in the dark about why he is so unhappy in our marriage. I want some concrete things that are constructive for the PRESENT that I can work on. Everything he tells me happened in the distant past. I think it has been conflict most recently; we did bicker about a lot of things over the years. But the bickering, in my mind, was just symptomatic of us not meeting each other's needs. He says I've never been a "we" and made decisions more from a place of "I" and that hurt him. I made financial decisions without his input that changed the course of his life. He resented me for that for years. I always validate this. I've never nagged him, never been overly critical about anything. I'm a pretty independent gal, which I thought he found attractive.
He can't even explain it to me when I ask him what needs he has that I'm not meeting. He has never been good at communicating them to me, to the point that we barely ever had sex. He just points to his head and says "Spewww...something in my brain just left" and "now I don't find you physically or emotionally attractive." He says "My brain is different and I don't know if it will ever change." He emotionally detached from me over a long period of time, he says. So I just don't know what I should be doing differently.
Up until a few days ago, when he got sick and tired of me asking questions about the EA, sick and tired of feeling like I was watching his every move, questioning everything, he was kissing me good bye at the door in the AM, kissing me good night, and even asked me to sleep in the guest bed with him. I keep backsliding by doing all the wrong things...
I stopped saying "I Love You" on the phone, stopped giving him hugs. Feeling so low tonight...
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
From a man's perspective you will have to draw the line. and take responsibility for your own happiness. This is hard, but you have to be interesting, different, mysterious, sexy, and giving him space all at the same time. Don't show him affectionate love if he is not ready to receive it. Be willing to change, if you are controlling, stop!, change yourself, deal with the issue at hand, Read the Divorce remedy by Michelle...
ME 43 Her 37 Married 6/98 2 sons 8 and 3 Love em tons Seperated March 20th Her- not sure Me willing to make changes
From a man's perspective you will have to draw the line. and take responsibility for your own happiness. This is hard, but you have to be interesting, different, mysterious, sexy, and giving him space all at the same time. Don't show him affectionate love if he is not ready to receive it. Be willing to change, if you are controlling, stop!, change yourself, deal with the issue at hand, Read the Divorce remedy by Michelle...
Hmmm...Thanks for all of the advice. I've been reading DB and DR every night and can't seem to find things that apply to my sitch. I always HAVE taken responsibility for my own happiness. Maybe that is why I'm not making the best DB choices. I think that is part of the problem. He says that I acted more like an "I" in the marriage than a "We" and I think he "lost himself" in our marriage, always trying to please me and everyone else instead of himself. Now it's all about HIM. I'm a very successful professional with my own career and he tells me how proud he is of me. We have had such an emotionally chaotic relationship in the past few months b/c he lashes out at me verbally, has no patience with me or our son, has a sleep disorder, and in all likelihood has depression. Not a good mixture of things. I wish I could just shut up most of the time. Working hard at listening more, keeping myself busy, GALing, doing the AS IF thing. Since he always criticized me for putting work, career, and hobbies before him, I've been trying to spend more time with him. That goes against pulling back though right? I'm so confused.
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
Anyone else here have a H who says "I love you, I just don't love our relationship"? He's never said the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" thing. Anyone have any interpretations to share?
Yes. He is saying this because he has an addictive relationship with his therapist. Period. You keep looking for other explanations, and have asked the question fifteen ways from Sunday, EA, but that's your answer.
Earlier, you said:
Quote:
I think focusing on the EA simply isn't going to get me anywhere positive anyway...so I'm going to just move past it.
It's great to "move past it" as it relates to your OWN behavior, goals, and self-improvement. That's what DBing is all about. But if you're looking for explanations of why he's doing what he's doing, you need not look any further than the affair.
It's a drug. And until you separate the addict from the source of his addiction, he's going to keep behaving this way.
Yes. He is saying this because he has an addictive relationship with his therapist. Period. You keep looking for other explanations, and have asked the question fifteen ways from Sunday, EA, but that's your answer. But if you're looking for explanations of why he's doing what he's doing, you need not look any further than the affair.
It's a drug. And until you separate the addict from the source of his addiction, he's going to keep behaving this way. Puppy
Hi, Puppy. Thanks for shaking me again! He hasn't said the "I Love You But..." thing in awhile. He seems very preoccupied with making a choice now---divorce or working on the marriage. He says that the EA is no longer relevant to how he feels about our marriage. According to him, we had problems long before the EAs. He was telling his friends 2+ years ago that he wanted a divorce. Is this more BS to justify all of his unhappiness?
I totally hear you about cutting off the addict! He says that he has NO contact with the therapist. His actions give me hope. He used to have her business card in his wallet (and I'm sure he never knew that I knew that) and it's now gone. He deleted any references to her in his email, both home and work (again not knowing that I could see any of it). Maybe I'm stupid, but I don't think she would jeopardize her job knowing that I'll report her. When I screamed and swore at her in public, she got the message that I'm a woman who will not be played. I made it pretty clear that I still have evidence against them and WILL use it. I told H that I can't be in this marriage with three people. Now he wants to go to counseling this week. I can access his cell phones, Gmail and work email accounts. But he could always have another Gmail account.
Any advice on bringing this up in counseling this week?
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
Saying that he was unhappy for years is his way of re-writing history. It is total BS. I'm sure that you received a nice anniversary card, or a birthday card, or have had a wonderful moment with him in the last two years? Now that he's of in EA land, though, he hasn't loved you "for years". This is WAS script, and the excuse is a way of justifying to him that what he is doing is right.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
EO, have you read any books on affairs yet? "NOT Just Friends" is a very good one, and is considered the definitive work on emotional affairs. I think if you'd study infidelity a little more, you'd see where your husband is merely playing out the role, and that ALL of this is "normal." It doesn't EXCUSE it, mind you, but most people find some comfort in knowing it's playing out according to "script."
Yes, I think you should bring up his EA in counseling. Unless and until he's willing to deal with it, to help YOU rebuild your level of trust of him, reconciliation will be near-impossible.
My guess is that the EA has either been driven deep underground (new g-mail account, "affair cellphone", etc.), or they've both agreed to "cool it for awhile" (likely), or -- he's genuinely trying to go "cold turkey" (although I think this is for HER, and not for YOU, I'm sorry to say...I think he realizes how close he was to getting her fired and worse, and he's trying to "save" her perhaps). Without his complete and voluntary transparency with you, you'll never know which one it is, and you won't be able to get past it.
My advice would be to continue to work on YOU -- do your 180s, and don't get "needy/grabby" with him. "Act as if" the EA is still going on, and proceed with your own self-improvements and goals. Then, bring it (the EA) up in MC, and see if the counselor can help you both with it.
I've read parts of the "NOT Just Friends" book and ITA that he is doing all of the normal things someone in an EA does. I will never excuse what he did. But he's taking the EA and putting it in the garbage can b/c, according to him, before the EA he wanted a divorce. I know this is rewriting the history again, but we have had problems for years. So there is some truth to the pre-EA unhappiness in our marriage. Unfortunately, I cannot deny that. Now he says we still have all of our marriage problems sans the EA.
Therapist was TERMINATED last Friday! H shows no indication of knowing this.
What I can't understand now is why he still DOES NOT want to work on the marriage? I think he's having a MLC. I remain adamant that I am staying in the house, son is going to go back to his awesome school next year, and if H wants out, he has to move out. Meanwhile, I'm continuing to lose weight, work on my career, might even consider going on platonic dates with some hot Scottish, Irish or British guy (if I can find one!) if H remains in limbo land, decorate the house, and BE HAPPY!
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
What I can't understand now is why he still DOES NOT want to work on the marriage? I think he's having a MLC.
EA,
Assuming you married a man with at least SOME character and honor, he must have had to work pretty hard to get to a place in his head that justified his feelings towards his therapist. These are not going to go away so quickly. He has both physiological residue (PEAs/dopamine/"looove" chemicals) and emotional residue (resentment, entitlement) that he's going to have to deal with, and it's going to take a good MC -- preferably one with experience in dealing with infidelity -- to work thru it with you.
It's a catch-22 of piecing/reconciliation, unfortunately. You gotta "wanna" for it to have a chance to keep no-contact (w/OW) going, and you gotta keep no-contact with OW going in order for you to "wanna."
Just watch his moods. At this stage, "GOOD = BAD" and "BAD = GOOD."
EO, have you read any books on affairs yet? "NOT Just Friends" is a very good one, and is considered the definitive work on emotional affairs. I think if you'd study infidelity a little more, you'd see where your husband is merely playing out the role, and that ALL of this is "normal." It doesn't EXCUSE it, mind you, but most people find some comfort in knowing it's playing out according to "script."
Yes, I think you should bring up his EA in counseling. Unless and until he's willing to deal with it, to help YOU rebuild your level of trust of him, reconciliation will be near-impossible.
My guess is that the EA has either been driven deep underground (new g-mail account, "affair cellphone", etc.), or they've both agreed to "cool it for awhile" (likely), or -- he's genuinely trying to go "cold turkey" (although I think this is for HER, and not for YOU, I'm sorry to say...I think he realizes how close he was to getting her fired and worse, and he's trying to "save" her perhaps). Without his complete and voluntary transparency with you, you'll never know which one it is, and you won't be able to get past it.
My advice would be to continue to work on YOU -- do your 180s, and don't get "needy/grabby" with him. "Act as if" the EA is still going on, and proceed with your own self-improvements and goals. Then, bring it (the EA) up in MC, and see if the counselor can help you both with it.
Puppy
Great post. EA- Puppy lived through an affair that his wife had- and I had one so I can tell you he's spouting the same wayward crap they all say.
It's funny- at the time you think what you're saying is original- but in reality- most cheaters say the same thing.
I want you to operate from a standpoint of the truth- and honestly, you're not getting it. I say do whatever you can- snooping- PI or whatever to get to the truth. Then you can make an informed decision about whether or not you want to work on the marriage.
