GETTING UN'STUCK'

[MrBond]

"Stuck, Catch me up. She had the EA, you two seperated but now in limbo with her at home?"

Yep. She's home. We're sleeping in the same bed with our youngest D between us. Things are casual and light between us, nothing too deep. Her wall is still up and has stated as recently as a couple of weeks ago that she doesn't want to be M any more and doesn't wear her ring because she doesn't consider us M.

She still works with the person whom she had the EA with, although not directly any more. Doesn't initiate any hugs or kisses, but also doesn't flinch away from me any more.

Engages in small talk and about the kids. That's it.

She keeps saying how we're not M anymore, she wants to be alone, she wants to live independently, etc. Yet hasn't made a move towards D or finding legal options, or dealing with kids, etc.

"What caused the bomb in your mind?"

To me, the bomb was caused from us not feeding the R after we had our first child. She spent more time with our D than she did with me which lead to resentment on my part which had me treating her bad/guilty/wanting more intimacy, etc. Which she gained resentment for and didn't want to on, perpetuating an ongoing cycle of resentment between the two of us.

"What is working?"
Just being nice to her and carrying on as if nothing had happened before. I try to be as compassionate, fun, trusting, understanding, etc. in front of her, but she really doesn't open up.

"What did she say caused it?"

Take your pick. When she dropped the bomb, she told me it was because she had feelings for the OM (her boss who is M and twice her age, looks like her grandfather literally and was hitting on her going through his own MLC) and the old ILYBNILWY line. I think her bomb was two sentences. When I asked her why, she just said I just don't love you and that was that. About a month later, she told me it was 1) because this OM is much more attractive than me and that's what a M should start with. 2) That I "forced" sex onto her 3 times a week (which I called her out on and pointed out it was more like 3 times over 3 months) 3) That I bragged how I could make her climax over 3 times a night (which I hadn't done since our first month together 17 years ago) 4) That I talked down to her (which was true when I was resenting her (that part I've changed) 5) My hobbies of playing video games (which I did late at night when she and my Ds are asleep so I didn't take time away from my responsibilities with them) 5) A bunch of other things that today she says she can't remember saying.

About 3 months ago, she told me it was because of the little resentments she had for me that she held in. When I asked her like what, she told me like me forgetting to take out the garbage sometimes on garbage day.

But right now it just boils down to she doesn't want to be in a R any more and doesn't want to be married, wants to be independent, etc.

"Do you know her LLs?"
I had to think long and hard about this one in the beginning and I would say her top one is "Words of Affirmation". So I've been complimenting her here and there without it seeming like I was kissing her @$$. She's got trust issues with people in general and men especially. She has no close friends, just her mom and her sister and her dad walked out on her mom when she was 6 (which probably explains her men issues).

Are you taking care of yourself?
Yep better than I had in the past. Working out, playing with kids, started up photography again, etc.

Are you familiar with "Learned Optimism" ?
No what is that?

What else is pertinent to now?
Things were going pretty good about a couple of months ago I had asked her if she wanted to watch tv together after the kids were asleep which we did and had a good time (the first time in over a year). Then a few weeks ago, she started to withdraw again and the timing stunk because I had bought tickets to see a Broadway show with dinner for just the two of us since things were going well. Well that night bombed and she was withdrawn throughout the whole thing.

So now she's slowly coming out of her shell again. And I think it's from me not giving her any pressure at all. Of course I don't want to live like roommates forever either.

Right now my feelings flip flop from thinking that she wants to be in the R, but is scared (of what I'm not sure...shame, commitment, embarrasment, etc.) to thinking that she is just waiting for someone "better" to come along to fill her emotional void then will leave me flat.

My W had always been on the quiet side and not opened up for many things in our R and I've been mindreading. She holds "faithfulness" to be her number one thing in a partner since her dad left, which through me in for a loop as to why she cheated (which she has never acknowledged she did even after saying she kissed him several occassions).

She had told me (when she had the OM) that she finally knew what she wanted. She never told me what that was though. My suspicion is that she was looking for a "father figure". I had always felt that it's what she felt I was and so when things went South for us, she found it in her boss. A letter that she wrote to him about her feelings sounded more like a high school girl rather than a mature woman. She wants someone who can "take care of her" emotionally, monetarily, etc.

"Do you have a Rx for Patiencia?"
Yep it keeps getting re-filled. My other friend offered me another prescription to deal with things... "Fukitol"

Hope that is enough info : )

What do you think?