Sandi's Place

[sandi2]

Dear Shannon,

I wish I knew the magic words to make everything better for you. It is always sad when there is a spouse in MCL or one who has walked away from M and family. However, your case is extra sad b/c of your physical stuggles. In my heart, I believe that your physical & emotional wellness needs to be top priority b/c without that......you can do nothing for the others you love so much. You are already in a weaken condition and I do agree that the stress level you've endured has probably taken its toll on your body. I'm sure I do not have to remind you how the mind, body and spirit all work together. When one of those are sick.....it affects the rest. Hard to get well with a broken heart, isn't it?

I am NOT the sort of person who has even known what these orders are let alone taking them out on someone who I have loved with my whole heart. I am struggling with myself on this one. On one hand I feel that I have been given no option but to take these orders out, H has been abusive and out of control. The other part of me, as a Christian person believes could there have been another way?

I am always as honest with everyone as I know how, even if it is not what people want to hear. So, I will tell you that I believe (as a Christian) that you did what you had to do to protect your child. It was not a pleasant task and one you would have prefered to ignore, but our children trust us to defend them since they cannot defend themselves. Do not beat yourself up over this, Shannon. If your H continues to bring it up, you will have to refuse to discuss it until he has come out of this fog and can talk rationally or else have another person to intervene for you.

One thing you must understand and accept about your H is the fact he is not the man you married! You even said so yourself. You know you would never have fallen in love with a person like that. You may never know what caused him to change, but I think I can safely tell you that it was not all your doing! Maybe none of it was your doing, but at any rate, do no accept his blaming you for his behavior at any time in any situation. He is an adult who has freedom to make choices for himself just as you do and, unfortunately, he chose to go down this destrutive path. Would you feel guilty if he were on illegal drugs and accused you of "driving" him to take them? Then why allow this to take root in your mind that you must have not been the wife you should have been or else he would not have turned to the OW? All you have to do is read many, many LBW's stories of how hard they worked to make their H's happy only to discover that he had OW. The way I look at what has happen to your H is like a sickness, just as sure as what happen to you.......EXCEPT FOR ONE IMPORTANT PART......He had a choice and you didn't. Nobody made him do what he did.

I know that you believe that this is MLC; yet I am confused myself as to whether it is. He seems ABSOLUTELY RESOLVED about this; as far as I am concerned he has no outward confusion. Everything seems to be running normally in his life; he sees the same people, same friends, same family. The only person that is deleted is me.

I am certainly no expert on the subject and may very well be wrong.....which I'm not sure that would be good or bad. Anyway, I was the same way. I was "resolved". You said you could not see any "outward" confussion, but what about the irregular behavior at the courtroom and other things he has done that just blew you away. It made no sense at all why he would do that except to see how mean he could be, right? It is that type of behavior that I am talking about.....the kind that makes no sense. I, too, saw the same people, friends, kept the same job, went to church, done the same activities with my family, etc. At times, a MLCer can put on a very good act and fool the people he/she needs to fool. It is only those that see him/her in the worst of times and in very "personal" situations.

Surely if he was in a crisis it would manifest itself more outwardly, more people would see a struggle in him?

Shannon, I had the people at work, at my church, even my own relatives fooled. I may have displayed some cranky moods or acted distracted at times, but nobody ever said. I am sure if they knew what I had done it would shock them. I used to think a MLC was a 50 year old man buy a red sports car. Far from it! I had no idea what all it involved. He is denies his own feelings and life that are in a crises and he therefore places your future and the future of his D in crises by making these bad choices.

Why is he bothering to help? Does this mean a reconnection with us and the house, or has he moved on and is just wanting to be kind and to take care of responsibilities without any emotional residue or attachment?

Off hand, I would say it is more out of a sense of obligation and his own guilt. Of course, he is not going to admit that, but it is my opinion. Just like I continued to cook, wash clothes and clean house......it did not change the fact I was having an EA and in a personal crises.

I guess I should accept this gratefully? Yet I am not in the same place that he is, he doesn't seem angry anymore, just very pleasant to my mother, civilised and wanting to get on. I feel numb inside and so hurt.Do WAS/MLC people behave like this?

No, you do not have to accept anything from him. In fact, I doubt I would want to be on the receiving end of anything he might decide to tell the court that he has been so "good" to do for his "family". Doesn't it seem odd that he has decided to do this while you are recooperating? Maybe he has done this all along and I misunderstood. If he has, then that is just part of what he does and don't make it out to be more than what it is. Some men actually "want" to do those things. It makes them feel good. On the other hand, if he has recently started......I would wonder about it.

As for him not being "angry anymore", maybe that is b/c there has not been a confrontation? Just wait. You will see the anger when things do not go to suit him. I can't help but wonder if he has some "angle" behind this new tatic. Hope I am wrong. The sudden change to be "nice" to your mother, etc., could have something to do with the fact another person (like his lawyer or OW) got his attention and told him he was digging his grave in deeper by the display of nastiness he was dishing out. When it comes to his D and being able to see her or obtain joint custody (or whatever), it may hold his tongue still.

Yes, sadly, MLCers do behave like this!

Don't be sorry for what you have accomplished in life. It is much to be proud of and you worked very hard to obtain it. We women seem geared to just feel "guilty" when we can't be with our children 100% of the time or if our H has to have a few evenings alone. But your H told you and supported you, so again......don't beat yourself up.

I understand where you are coming from about not telling him how much you missed him, etc. I'm afraid I have way too much pride in that department. Would it do any good to cry and repeat all the times that you "could" have said something but didn't. Would it change anything to get the whip out and draw blood with each lash? No, it would make you feel worse, wouldn't it? Punishing yourself is not going to help you, sweetheart, just learn from this and move forward to be better in the future. That is all any of us can do. Trust me when I say that beating ourselves up may be what we feel like doing for a while.....but it really doesn't help matters. It is in the past......you learn, and if given another chance, you will do differently next time. If not, then you can at least pass what you learn on to your child.

But maybe people do get to a point when no matter what the other person does, they are done? Or, if he truly is in crisis, and his anger is still so apparent, then as you say, he may resent the change.

I personally believe that is what separates the two categories. If in MLC, he can pull out of it. How long it may take, nobody knows. If he is "done", then he won't pull out and change his mind. If you have patience to wait for him to pull out of the fog, it may be better than the "other" way he could be (done). However, that is not to say he would not get M to OW or do something just as crazy to mess up his life even worse. That is why only you can decide if this "stranger" is worth the wait to see if your H actually returns when the fog lifts.

I believe that God wants the best for all of our lives. I am trying to let go and let God which is hard but small steps every day, small steps. I look at the damage that has happened even since he has left and wonder just how can God bring us back together. It seems impossible that people can find another in a new relationship after so much hurt, betrayal etc. Has anyone got any views on that?

I also believe that God wants what is best for our Lives. If we humans lived in God's Perfect Will, we would have the best! However, we tend to get in the way and mess our lives up big time! However, God works in mysterious ways b/c His ways are not like our ways and His time is not our time. That makes it hard for us to understand, but He usually does things in such a way that "man" does not get credit for it......He gets the credit. Your job, as a Christian, is to rely on God's power to do with "you" what He wills. As I think I've told you before, He does not interfer with our free-will, therefore, He will not force your H to do what your H does not "want" to do. However, I have seen the Lord work things around for the "good" for those who love Him and are called to His purpose! Don't lose the faith. I have seen what seem to be impossible things, come to pass. Our job is not to try and figure out "how" God will work things (or people) together. Our job is to "trust" Him to do what His Word says. If you truly believe that He wants what is best for you, then you will be able to heal emotionally and be strong enough to accept whatever life may throw at you. If that means your H gets divorced from you, then trust God to have something good waiting for you. Right now you cannot even picture yourself with anyone but your H. That is b/c this is so fresh and raw and the pain is unbearable. If you can hand it all over to the One Who can take care of your needs and your problems (God) and trust Him to do what is best.....then you will be okay.....in every way. BTW, try not to be bitter from what your H has done to you. You are a good person and do not deserve to be turned into a sour, bitter, woman. If you can believe that every man is not out to hurt the one that loves him, then you will be able to trust another person......if that case arises.

I am confused, does dropping the rope still mean that I can leave the door open and stand for my marriage.

Absolutely! The deal with dropping the rope is simply turning lose of what you are despartely trying to hold onto. He is straining to pull away from you. You drop that rope that ties the two of you together (figuratively speaking) and you move forward in your life as if you will be just fine without him. The odd thing about this is that in many cases it opens the eyes of the WAS to what they are about to lose. However, it doesn't happen "everytime". So, you do not want to gamble and play games. This is something you do b/c you know it is useless to continue to try to tie him to you and b/c you know that you can live your life without him in it. Sure it will be hard, but not impossible by any means. You don't get over loving somebody overnight. You can even stand for your M and keep that door open, but I would not tell him that b/c it will not have the desired effect on him that you wish. He sees the woman he was M to....moving on without him.

Shannon, I can't imagine having huge bills like your lawyer sent you. If you do not file for a D and leave it all up to your H to do, will that make a difference in the final billing?

I just want some peace at the moment, to rest and to grieve and to work out what I can do to make my life the best it can be.

Yes, that is exactly what you need to do, sweetheart. Nothing about this is going to be easy, but I do believe you are a "lady" with much dignity and class. You will do what is best for your daughter and you. I pray with all my heart that you can lay this at the throne of God and don't try to carry the burden. I know it is easier said than done, but it can be done....I have experienced that in other areas.

Know that we are here for you and will encourage you whenever or however we can. Don't give up posting no matter how things may seem to turn. We have people here who have been around helping others for a long time. Success is not measured in how your MR turned out. You, Shannon, are not defined by your M.

Please take care.

Sandi