Think positive and it's one step at a time. Make a list of the things that you need to do and check the items off as you complete them. Getting to the other side takes time. You will proceed one step forward and then two steps back. Don't get discouraged...it's the path we all take.
You will make it to the other side. If you fall along the path, someone will come along and help you up.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
IL, I'm short on time at the moment, but have a couple of thoughts to highlight for you.
Thanks for your comments to me--appreciate it!
You have come early to the realization that most of us discover sooner or later--DBing is primarily to save YOU, and only secondarily to save your M. This falls into the "put your own oxygen mask on first, THEN you will be equipped to deal with others" category. They don't usually make it clear in pre-marital counseling that each person needs to be WHOLE on their own in order to get a healthy M out of the deal, and sometimes it takes a major crisis for us to learn this.
The anger may help you detach, although it's best for you to find healthy ways to deal with it. When some of the tortuous misery eased off for me, it was replaced by absolute FURY over what my H was doing. I've never been so very angry, for so long, in my entire life. It's been dissipating slowly over the last 16 months or so, but I still have some of it yet. I think it is something that goes hand in hand with the difficulty I've had with forgiving him, although I have been trying. However, I do have a lot of self-control in this regard, so I have not expressed my anger to him at all since the bomb. I made it a point to be pleasant and polite with him at all times, and avoided being around him when I was angry (go for a walk, hit a pillow or a punching bag, go to a batting cage...). I'm sure he saw a little of it leaking around the edges a few times, but I kept a really tight lid on my feelings.
There are advantages and disadvantages to having him stay at home and in your bed. I think I have expressed what I think about all that...you have to decide what is most important to you. Remember...
Discipline is remembering what you REALLY want.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Hi IL, you asked me to stop by your thread. I think I have already been too blunt to another poster tonight, so maybe I should just say this and call it a night.
Quote:
"I want a good M with H, but as I think over our past, I'm not sure that's possible. He has never nor does he ever plan to forgive me for stuff going back 20 years. He says he can't forgive people, never has been able to. His heart is so hardened and festering with resentment and unforgiveness that I'm not sure he can love himself or truly love anyone else."
Sweetie, if the man tells you up front that he WILL NOT forgive any persons......at all.....ever.....then how can you think about continuing? What would the M stand upon? You can't say love b/c where there is love....there has to be forgiveness. This man is too hard hearted. I just don't know what else to say b/c how can you get beyound not ever forgiving anybody? Don't see a lot of hope there.
I'll check back later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have to respectfully disagree with Sandi. How many times have MLCers insisted that ______ (it's all over, I want a D, IDLYA, or whatever is going to crush the LBS the most)...and then later reversed themselves, sometimes repeatedly? Yes, there has to be forgiveness eventually for there to be any chance of M restoration, but I don't think you can take at face value something like "I will never ever forgive you for xyz, from 20 years back," unless it is consistently maintained for quite some time.
Perhaps I don't have a clear understanding of the sitch, but that's what I think. And I myself haven't yet been able to forgive my H for everything he's done in the last few years, but I trust that it will come in time, as I pray for that regularly and do my best to foster it.
I really think that someone who is unable to forgive anyone anything is really setting themselves up for a very sad life. I think he will realize this and come around enough to start forgiving...eventually.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I believe you are both right. My H's problem with not forgiving has gone on for some time. Until that is righted, there is no hope. However, I agree with Dawn that he has set himself up for a very sad life and think this has contributed to leading him into MLC. I'm praying if/when he comes out of MLC, part of his growth going forward will include realizing that not forgiving is preventing his own happiness. But that's a lot of if's and hopes and dreams. So for now, I just can't see it working out. What does the future hold? Guess we all wish we knew that.
Sandi - I never mind your bluntness. It helps to hear straightforward thoughts and to get different takes on things.
Thanks guys for checking in. Take care!
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
I'm ok today. I started a DivorceCare class last night and I think that will be great support for healing as well.
Grace,
Thanks for checking on me.
I feel more detached from H than in the past, so that's good. More than anything else, the detachment is what I've been struggling with. H got mad at me over something regarding OW yesterday (her H is not happy about their R and suspicious and H thinks I'm to blame) and I was able to remain calm and did not feel responsibility for his problems. If he's not doing anything wrong as he keeps saying, why is he so worried her H will find out? Anyway, he's made his bed and now he has to lie in it. NOT my problem. I take responsibility for what I've done wrong, my part in the collapse of our marriage. But I will not take responsibility for any of his or OW's problems. In the past, I would have gotten very emotional, apologetic (for things I should not have apologized for), etc. But I just stayed calm. Sort of a 180 for me. Didn't even let it get to me when he declared he was "not happy with you." I don't need him to be "happy with me."
I've also scheduled a trip to the beach with the boys without him. He knows I wanted to do it, but I'm guessing he thinks I won't go through with it. But I am. Booked it this morning. And we'll have fun, no moping around that week for sure!
Now the key is to CONTINUE detaching.
How has your day been so far?
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
I've also scheduled a trip to the beach with the boys without him. He knows I wanted to do it, but I'm guessing he thinks I won't go through with it. But I am. Booked it this morning. And we'll have fun, no moping around that week for sure!
Excellent!
I like your attitude (and that you didn not apologize!)about his anger with regards to ow. He can believe what he likes, but the responsibility for his mess sits squarely on his shoulders. Of course her H is upset/angry. Was he thinking there would be a different outcome? Wait, scratch that, he isn't thinking.
Detaching is hard. It takes time. I still struggle with it at times. Sadly, the thing that helped me the most is some serious difficulties with D14 (I have 2 D's one is 17). I made me see things in a different light. While I am aware that what I see is still distorted, I work on clarity.
My day is ok. Slow. Trying not to get busted doing this at work
So when do you go to the beach? Got plans for the weekend?
Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and she and my dad are coming into town for the weekend. H will be taking S11 on a scouting trip, so I look forward to just hanging out with S7 and my parents and also having a family dinner with all of us and my brother and his girlfriend.
The beach is scheduled for July 18-25. We are also scheduled for a family trip to FL the week after July4. Not sure what that's going to be like, but after giving it much thought I think it might be best for the kids if we still go, even H. I would just let him take them and me stay home except he can't drive out of state b/c of the DUI. Again, his mess sitting squarely on HIS shoulders. So, if he decides not to go - not my problem. I'll just enjoy that week too!
Do you have any fun plans coming up?
I so dread the teenage years. I have sons, but one is highly emotional and the other is, well, he'll be my wild man. They are so different it's funny.
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
We are also scheduled for a family trip to FL the week after July4. Not sure what that's going to be like, but after giving it much thought I think it might be best for the kids if we still go, even H.
It will be like what you make it like. I still do "family" trips with H. I can make arguments for both ways. The one we take this year will probably be the last one. It's already booked so I won't make waves, but I don't know that I want to do any others. No reason. The trips are fine and we have fun. I'm just not that interested.
Quote:
I so dread the teenage years. I have sons, but one is highly emotional and the other is, well, he'll be my wild man. They are so different it's funny.
At least you're smart enough to dread them. I wan't. In my world stress is where I wake up screaming and then I realize I haven't gone to sleep. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. In 4 years she'll be 18 and a high school graduate.
No plans for anything soon. I'd like to go to So Cal nest month, but it depends on job sitch. Otherwise, I'll just enjoy the local stuff.
