Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[antlers]

Antlers- The 12 days without either of you is obviously too long and extreme under the circumstances. This is not what you "used to do." This is with one parent or the other. So, yes, you would do best to compromise. I think you get that.

Your daughter. You will eventually have a healthy R with her if you are consistent, reliable, demand respect (gently and lovingly) and give her time, love her, validate her feelings. EVERY daughter wants her father's love. She is, at her age, naturally going to relate to her mom. But, she is watching you. Looking to see if men are strong enough and loving enough to hold steady and strong. She will test you and manipulate you in subtle or overt ways (if you really loved me you'd let me x or y)...there have got to be some good books out there for fathers parenting daughters. Trust me though, mother/daughter relationships are hairy beasts and your wife will have to work this out with D someday. You be you, reliable, stable, loving, compassionate, flexible but firm when you need to be. Parenting is hard enough, this makes it harder but you can do it. Having a dad that cares as much as you do makes ALL the difference in the world. Just let her know you are there and then be there when she is ready...give her time.

Also, now is not the time IMO, to prove to D that you know better than her what she will or wont enjoy (bringing her on a trip she would say she wouldn't like but you know she will)...I think you should try to let her participate in making plans...again, just my opinion and you do need to lead. Sometimes it is worth it to push but I'm not sure that time is now.

Hi aliveandkicking.

This has been a 'mutha'. OK, I see it from your perspective that 12 days is too long and extreme under the circumstances since it's gonna be with just one parent! OK, I see it from your perspective that I would do best to compromise. I get it.

I hope to God that I'll eventually have a healthy relationship with my youngest daughter. I intend to remain consistent and reliable, to lovingly and gently demand respect and give her time, and to love her and validate her feelings. It seems like every daughter wants her fathers love...except mine! She is tight with her mom...is it because of her age? I hope she's watching me, because I am a much better man than I've ever been. Will she see that I'm strong enough and loving enough to hold steady and strong? She does test and manipulate me...all the time! More often in overt ways as opposed to subtle ways. I'm taking a course right now by Stosny called 'Compassionate Parenting'. My wife isn't interested in helping me out with our daughter...she used to be, prior to separation, but not anymore. I believe that mother/daughter relationships are hairy beasts. I will be compassionate regardless. I will also be stable and reliable, and flexible but firm when I need to be. It's a hard row to hoe, especially under these circumstances. I believe that I can do it. I hope that having a dad that cares as much as I do makes a difference! I do let her know that I'm there and will continue to be...and I'll give her time. I hope she will get ready!

OK, they come back over tonight. I'll talk to them about what they would like to do. I'll still lead. I do not want to push.


I appreciate the time and effort that you are taking with me aliveandkicking. Thank you.