Though many women I know want to be pursued, I'm not going to speak for anyone but myself.
I think that both my H and I need to feel pursued, wanted, and chosen by each other. I think I spent all those years waiting and waiting for a number of reasons:
-Though I've had a very strong libido from an early age, my traditional Italian Catholic upbringing required that I never act like a "whore," and only a whore would pursue a man for sex. (I'm working through this issue, but it is definitely a part of my make-up and affects how I perceive myself as well as others.) A girl who is horny but repressed has no where to go, so it is up to a man to come along and want to bother breaking down those walls and "take" her against her "pretend" will. Not sure if that makes sense, but I think this is why I feel most satisfied when a man is more dominant with me.
-My life isn't free of sex-related shame, so I suspect that a part of me was avoiding intimacy because it was "nothing but trouble" as my Mother said it would be. This is probably why I chose my LD husband in the first place. He was safe and kind and sweet and gentle, and he was always on my side and supportive of me as I am, no matter what. So, I felt safe with him, and hoped that he would eventually break out of his sexual "problem." (Yes, I thought it was a problem and was sure that no human being would ever want to go without sex. Since then, I've learned that some people do, in fact, just don't want it that much due to hormone levels or what have you.)
-Early on in our R, my H would get really annoyed with me when I would initiate or want more after one round. It was so perplexing to me... Not only was he turning me down, but he was doing so as if something was wrong with me for wanting him. Now I know that his reaction wasn't about me. It was about HIM and his mental and emotional discomfort with intimacy and sex. I didn't know how to handle the issue. I would talk with him about it, and he would state that he wanted a sex life with me. I would have hope, and would begin waiting, and nothing. It didn't take long for me to vow to myself that I would never ever initiate again because I just couldn't stomach the horrible rejection. So I would keep it bottled up, waiting and waiting, until my fuse grew short and then I would blow up/retreat/wait all over again. Because I would retreat and wait after each discussion, I trained him to just endure my rants and then breathe a sigh of relief when I would retreat and then he'd be comfy all over again. For the most part, he was only uncomfortable when I confronted the issue. I was uncomfortable all the time.
I'm sure there are more factors, but these are the major ones that are top of mind.
It took me reading these boards and several books to feel confident and fearless about pushing the issue more. He had proven to me over and over again that he wasn't going to be the one who forced change. It had to be me.
As uncomfortable and scary as it was, I had to force myself to wear sexier things, make more eye contact with H, tell him when he looked hot, dare to cozy up to him and initiate a passionate kiss. I knew that I had to risk rejection in order to demonstrate that I love him, that I want him, and that intimacy and sex were going to be a part of our lives. I was (and am) determined, on a very important mission, and he knew it.
I felt uncomfortable at first with flirtation, because I felt fat and so unwanted by him. This forum helped me cheer myself on so that I could work my self-esteem up to try different things. It was not easy, but Scharch explains the concept of pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone (within reason so that you remain authentic to who you are) until you eventually find comfort there. It is so true. I still have to do that strip tease that DQ kept prodding me to do (still terrifying!!)
Since the switch flipped for my H, I don't have to think too hard about what I can try on any given night. He is receptive to me now, so I'm not afraid to act on impulses. He is also flirtatious with me now and is showing more signs of being my man rather than my best friend and roommate... if that makes sense.
