Why not?

[aliveandkicking]

AJ- "Really? What would he do that would show you he cares? What have YOU done to show him you care? Those are two really important questions you should be able to answer."

Oh my, are you ready? Ok. He could tell me that he gives one iota of a sh*t about trying to see if there is any chance we can work things out AND/OR give some/any indication that he has an inkling of an idea that we (he and I) have dealt with absolutely nothing in any substantive way and that we are all living in limbo. That a real D will be a brutal departure from what this is now, especially for our children.

What have I done to show him I care? Let's see, started with letting him know I love him and want to be on the same team and deal with our circumstances and get some stability so that we don't have financial drama looming all the time. That was pre-bomb. Post-bomb, after being reduced to a piece of cr*p who was responsible for all of our problems including his EAs with other women, I stopped arguing and defending, took a hard look at myself and apologized for my part, validated and sought to empathize and understand where he was coming from. I went on to give him the space he asked for. I stopped pursuing and expressed that I would accept his decision. Still, I was here for him when he wanted to talk, share, feel together. I convinced my mom to pay for us to go to a ridiculously expensive therapist so that we could create a bridge even if just to co-parent. I made myself vulnerable and honored the things I love about him and was willing to share my insecurities and vulnerabilities with him. Subsequently, I gave him a long list of wonderful qualities about him (per an exercise we were doing) but I did not get the same in return because he decided not too long after that the exercises were too weird. He did appreciate what I gave him and said it was brave and he couldn't do the same. I started to articulate my appreciation for the little changes he was making and love him even though he was not here for me, not being my H and really overall was looking out for only himself. We ML numerous times which I think showed him I cared. I helped him feel like a "man," boosted his ego, talked to him more respectfully, stopped interfering with him and the kids, stopped criticizing, stopped commenting. I let him come into our home and experience being a "family" again, at his leisure.

I learned how to approach touchy topics with care and consideration. I kept my mouth shut until such time as I could be calm, clear and respectful.

I took exemplary care of our children when he was gone. I did not take any actions that would interfere with his ability to travel and live the "fantasy" (his word) he has led. I shrugged off texts and messages that tore at my heart. I've pretty much spared him the stories and the truth about the tremendous toll this has taken on the kids (I only share when I KNOW it is about the kids and not about my judgement about what he is doing).

I have stayed away from almost all of his friends (many whom I thought were mine). I have refrained from snooping or invading his privacy (minus reading the notes left on my dresser). I have read and prayed and actively pursued loving him and forgiving him.

I have stayed open to the possibility of reconciling despite knowing that he may be scr*wing other women, that he has lied to other people about me, that he took his ring off, that has refused to take a real look at our finances and that he has articulated we are "done".

I have spent time with him when I want to crawl out of my skin from the discomfort. I have smiled, looked for the best in him, laughed with him, taken care of certain details for him...

Why have I done all of this? Because I'm a doormat? NO. Because I see it as my challenge to love him fully before he leaves. To know that I grew, that I did my part, that I got the lesson. And, I care deeply about him. I believe that it will be way harder to love those parts of my children that are reflections of him if I can't love them in him.




I think you're a long way off from making a decision to divorce and sticking to it. I can say it sucks to watch husband kick you out of bed to be with the kids, but I can relate and can say that you DID want him to have a closer relationship with the kids. Are you complaining about that or just venting in general?

Uh, I was complaining. I think he needs to sh*t or get off the pot and stop throwing us (his groupies) a bone here and there. I don't think he is "closer" to them by passing out from exhaustion and making sure we all know that if he was able to drive to sleep elsewhere he would...but, maybe those are just words and he really wanted to be here (he knew it was weird). Not sure.


What I see is that you are starting to formulate what a marriage would look like for you. What a husband would be like for you. What you would be like for a husband. What you bring to the table so to speak. THAT my dear is progress. That is the subtle kick in the pants I needed to remind me to figure out me as well. I deeply and with the utmost humility thank you for that. Well, you are so welcome...glad my folly can serve some good around here. I bring so much to the table. I am a woman only a fool would leave. I still have a LOT of work to do though.

As for sushi - yes I am planning to make a trip sooner rather than later. The two of you are welcome if he's in town. Oh, and if we can figure out the story line properly. Long lost brother? War buddy? (that was supposed to make you laugh).

There is no frickin way I would sit with you and my H over sushi. LOL. My life is surreal enough. You want to hang out? We'll see if we can swing it. My new friends are mine for now...



Keep up the good work. You really are growing and doing very well even in your venting.
AJ
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