I'm certain that I - as a WAS - KNEW with every fiber of my being that I would not be happy divorced. I could barely even picture it - even as I walked out of the door. The WAS knows only that in the M - as it is - she/he is sad, lonely, frustrated, and being drowned. So...they reach for a lifesaver - and move out. ...I know I...gave the impression...that it was what I wanted, I would make it, I didn't want to be M to him [but] I'll bet that pound for pound, most WAS are as scared, sad, angry and heartbroken as the LBS.
Well let me see if I can help flesh Greek's insight out a bit, with the Paul Harvey "rest of the story." (Or half of the rest of the story -- our e-mail convo became a face-to-face convo late last night, but these posts are already so long as to nearly be indigestible, so let's work this one first, okay?)
Last night I gave you the first couple rounds of the Great Email Convo of 2009. It continued as follows, heavily edited for space and point-making (but, I assure you, not "spun" or misrepresented) [N.B.: what I think would be productive is if we engage with the totality of the convo and it's "mood," if you will, and not cherry-pick and take issue with specific things from WAW's POV that I think we will agree we disagree with]:
Mrs. SP: I agree that it will be horrible for them initially. I know you've read a lot but a lot of the people I have spoken to whose parents were divorced do not feel that way....DHRGF's parents were divorced and, yes, she got a divorce and so did Long-Time Girlfriend, whose parents were also divorced. But they are happy people with full lives. Even Writer-Actress Friend, who did NOT want the divorce, says her kids are doing fine...I'm not trying to sugar coat it, but I don't think we know what is going to happen over the next year, let alone 25 years down the road. I wouldn't have objected to my parents divorcing if it made either ONE of them EVER told me that they loved me or made me feel like they did. We all live with repercussions from our childhood; I live with feeling unlovable. And our kids hear and feel love from both of us every single day.
SP: Our two points are not mutually exclusive; the fact that one is adjusted and happy - given the adjustment - doesn't mean one isn't in some way haunted by the legacy, that it doesn't inform one's life in a myriad of unknowable ways. For example, how happy and full would Long-Time Girlfriend's life be had there been family stability? ... And I'm sorry you feel yourself to be unlovable. I've always found you to be quite the opposite.
Mrs. SP:And you are the only one, which is why my decision is so difficult because I know I will be alone.
SP: I hope not -- for my sake as well as yours.
Mrs. SP: I'm not sure why it is for your sake. One of the things I had to decide was whether I would be o.k. if I never had another great love in my life. I think I will, but that doesn't mean it won't be difficult.
SP: Look at it from my POV: if it should prove true that you were to remain alone, think what a burden to carry that would be for a person who cares for you the way I do, knowing that it was I who set you on that path.
Mrs. SP: I am social. I'll socialize -- I won't be completely alone. But the last thing I want is for you (or anyone else) to feel sorry for me. I am resolved. It is what it is. I made my bed, now I have to lie in it.
SP: There's a difference between me feeling sorry for you and me acknowledging that -- whether you accept it or not, whether you're "really" alone or not, whether you drift from one man to another or become a nun or not -- I took you there. You had a home, and through my neglect of your needs and feelings I've chased you out of it. That's not "what it is." That's what it was MADE to be -- and that's a different animal altogether. I admire your sense of resolution, and I'm not going to challenge your reasoning or your commitment. You're divorcing me. I know that. But insofar as alone-ness goes, I'll simply say this: you won't have to be either kind of alone, given time, honesty, openness, and perhaps just a dash of luck.
----- And that was the end of the e-mail convo, with SmileyBob MojoPants giving just a wee bit of a push there at the end, but when WAW came back to the soon-to-be-former-familial manse, it continued, face-to-face and remained positive and good.
But I will post on that later, because I need to blast off and get a haircut before Big Business Trip to Capitol City.
(And if anybody's in Capitol City, LMK if you want to hang out and commiserate over a brewdog (as opposed to an O'Dog) or two.)
One extra thought on @Coach above and @AlexEN on what "mojo" does or doesn't do.
It does and functions however you need it to function. The common, jokey -- and way I use it -- "Austin Powers" definition of mojo is close to attitude or style or something affected like that. That's part of it, right?
But a "real" mojo -- that is, a traditional HooDoo mojo (sorry to wax satanic, my Christian friends) is an actual good luck charm (a Mojo Hand is a little suede bag [the gris-gris]) that is "specially" concocted for a specific need. So there's a Love Mojo, a Reconciliation Mojo, a Gambling Mojo, a Get-a-Job Mojo, etc. etc. So when Muddy Waters had his "mojo workin'," he had a physical Mojo Hand that was bringing him good luck.
So for us, the way I've been using the term, your Mojo is the charm -- physical or mental (i.e., the Spiers Doctrine, the Stockdale Paradox, the heavy bag) -- that you use to get yourself focused, to do that Work to which Coach was referring.
It's NOT -- though many of you have (mis)interpreted it this way -- copping an attitude or whistling past the graveyard or pretending not to hurt. It's the Thing you have / use / say / believe / whatever that helps you get through the day. It's the Quotes Found on Divorcebusting thread. It's your Theme Song (I have a couple for different moods).
