I actually just got off of the phone with H. He and our monkey are on the way home from his apartment search - he was only able to find one that is reasonably priced for the neighborhood and he will probably be moving on it pretty quickly.
He is prepared to sign a year lease, but he mentioned yesterday that he is willing to pay the fee to break the lease if it means smaller monthly payments on a year rather than six months. If his stipulation for going through counseling is to have his own space to decompress afterwards, then that is fine with me. I have a feeling counseling will go better now that I am truly owning my stuff. But I know I can't just say that I'm owning my stuff, I have to have more than a week of showing this genuine happiness with myself.
He also is not planning on reenlisting in the guard because he doesn't think it will help things to be away for a year while we're working through this, with him worrying about being shot at...
I was calm, conversational, pleasant, friendly. I asked questions. I listened. Whatever he needs to do, he will do, and I will react the complete opposite of how I would have a month ago.
He also noticed my new fancy underwear (not on me). OK, I secretly left it out so that he would know it existed. I may be gigantic right now, but I won't be in three months...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
So, I even had one of those "I hate my H" nights last night...
Probably because he found an apartment, and he's going to go ahead and do what he needs to do to secure it today. I'm going to ask him to go to my next counseling appt. (I've only been once before, I have one tomorrow, so I don't have a great deal of history with this therapist) with me next week. I'm hopeful that he will go, and that he's serious about wanting to work on this with me.
I think last night I was just tired and cranky (DD woke up too early), and he was also very tired (went out the night before and stayed out all night, but still had to be home before I left for work). I'm kind of getting to the place where I would love a backrub or footrub for my poor pregnant self but I'm not going to ask for one from him.
I find the evenings that he goes to the gym or I go out to be much easier. I am really looking forward to going out this weekend, and I'm trying to get myself as pumped up to go as I was last week.
On the bright side he wrote me a $700 check towards paying off my car. I don't know if he's trying to get us out of debt so that he can not feel so bad about leaving, or what. Trying my best not to read into his motives at all. Trying to be cheerful. It helped that The Soup was on last night, and we watched it and laughted together before I went up to bed. Since he was home I couldn't get on DB to pump myself up a bit...
Tonight should be easier, I'm sure he will go to the gym after DD goes to bed, and then by the time he comes home I'll be asleep. I'm having issues with eating right now - I know I need to eat but I just can't really eat anything. On the bright side I seem to have a good start on my post-baby body, I guess.
I feel like he's ruining this pregnancy for me. I'm not looking forward to anything at all about spending time with him or having a baby or taking care of a baby. I know I told H last week that I had considered, if he wanted to split up, giving up the baby. I don't want to be taking care of a baby in 9 weeks, right now I just want to be drinking! I want to be able to go out and have as much fun as he's having. I feel cheated because this baby was planned, he had the final say on when I stopped taking birth control. We wanted to have one more because we wanted to be done by 30, he was supposed to deploy next year, and we were anticipating him getting stop-lossed.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
And I've started HATING our house too. He picked the location, he made most of the choices when we were building - my fault for deferring to him on everything - but I feel so stuck there. We don't have the money to sell it because we'd take a huge loss (though we haven't talked about selling it - H is 100% committed to keeping up his end financially because it's our daughters' home). I wanted a smaller home, I wanted a home that didn't cost as much, he wanted plenty of room...
It's huge, I'm tired of cleaning the damn thing, I want the walls painted but I just can't do it, and I can't afford to have it done with all of the uncertainty. It feels like an 1800 sq ft cage.
I know these negative feelings will pass - hopefully as we have more "positive" conversations and hopefully him having his own space will do him good. Hopefully me getting my own life will be helpful as well.
Sushi night with the girlfriends in three days, and then I have a wedding to go to on Saturday (yuck) but I get to come home at the end of the day looking gorgeous
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Called him back and told him he missed me while I was in a meeting, he actually showed interest in what kind of meeting (which is encouraging - a few weeks ago I was told in a meeting that I am basically a rock star, and he was completely unenthused by it. I wonder if he's jealous sometimes because he is not as successful at his job or doesn't have the same opportunity?)
He wants me to drop a deposit check by the apartment complex for him today, he's faxing the application back. I'm actually looking forward to being able to breathe for a while in my own home. I asked him to do a favor for me also - tag along with me on my next counseling appointment in two weeks and we'll see how it goes.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Yes! I think I'd go nuts if I weren't. I seem to spend a lot of my work time on this site though. Trying to get into the right mindset to go home at the end of the day...
I feel kind of hungry right now, so I'll pick something up while I'm out on my lunch break!
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
I just dropped off his deposit checks... the manager there seemed pretty aware of the situation - she says they see all kind of situations there. She said I was so cute, maybe she was expecting some kind of evil monster W... I have absolutely NO idea what H is saying about me. I can't believe that anybody *isn't* reaming him a new one.
It's not like we're having trouble getting along. It's not like we fight all the time. It's basically that he wants freedom to come and go as he wants, and live like a single guy with no responsibilities.
I'm trying to be nice about this, and encouraging of H finding his own space and working out whatever his issues are right now, but at what point am I just being his doormat? I want him to go to MC with me in a couple of weeks, so I will go along with everything he wants right now.
Is it possible to have a MLC before you hit 30?
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Just make sure you are getting your work done. I count my blessing work slowed down during my divorce. I am thankful that my boss was understanding. Others may not be so lucky....
Thinking positive thoughts helps. Sending blessing to spouse is very powerful. Flush all the negative thoughts away.
Glad to hear you feel like eating.
No on likes to be controlled. You both need your freedom. YOU have your boundaries that you need to enforce for your own happiness and safety. Let him know what they are.
Ask for what you want. "I am going to MC on XYZ. I would prefer if you joined me, but will understand if you choose not to go".....
MLC happens at different times for everyone. YES it is possible.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
never read your posts before, just caught this one where u wonder if mlc can happen under 30. yes. oh yes.
my h started his i would say at 26.
he is now 29.
its a long winding road if he is indeed in mlc.
all i can say is this - watch the finances and have patience
wish i would have known at the time that he was starting a mlc, didnt occur to me until, hmm, 18 months into it.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Part of my agreement with him is to stop watching his finances... I would get mad about money that he spent, ask him where he spent $4.00 or something like that. At this point, my job is to just trust that he keeps enough in his account to pay for his half of the mortgage and bills, as well as the ones for his "new" life.
But honestly he will be broke at the end of the month as it is.
Maybe it will be helpful to come over almost every Saturday night to "babysit" his daughter and see me go out all dressed up and having a great time with my friends (which is something that I'm starting up again after a long time of sitting around the house in a rut).
I have an old IRA from a company I worked for while I was in college, and I'm taking the distribution (it's not very much so it won't hurt me too badly tax-wise - especially if separation continues through the end of the year I will file Head of Household instead of MFJ). I'm taking the cash out of that just to have it on hand for emergencies and to pay down some debt. I'm wondering if I should put it in my account that I have at our credit union, or "hide" it at another bank.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
