GETTING UN'STUCK'

[MrBond]

givingitmyall,

Well it's a pretty wholesome movie with alot of Christian elements in it, but I saw alot of our sitches in there.

I think the tortured feelings that the H goes through is pretty real like what we go through.

My only suggestion is to NOT watch it with your spouse unless you're reconciling.

Bad bad idea.

[MrBond]

Actually there was one important message I got from the movie. And that was to do what we're doing for our S and not expect to get anything in return. That we need to listen to them with compassion to what their needs were in the past and show them we listened.

The thing about sacrifice without expectations was a pretty strong one and pointed out alot of the things I was doing that were wrong. We do what we do because we want to do it. I think the shedding of the expectations is the hardest thing. But it can be done with belief in ourselves.

[sandi2]

Hi Stuck, hope your grandmother is doing okay by now. It is hard when they are that age and break a hip. It was very typical for your wife to behave the way she did. First, when you told her over the phone......she had that "distance" as her protection from you and she could afford to show her true concern for your grandmother without fretting that you would get the wrong signals. However, once the two of you were face to face, she had to put that wall of protection up again to wort off any misconceptions you might perceive if she were to show any "softness" toward you. I know to you men it sounds horrible when I use terms like a "wall of protection" but that is how she is thinking. Look at it this way, if she had started crying and was showing a picture of weakness out of her strong concern over your grandmother.......would you have been tempted to put your arms around her to comfort her? Would you have thought...."At last, a sign that the wife I know has returned". That is why she is really trying to put a wall between the two of you. You see, when I decided to stay in my M, I still kept a wall built around me b/c I knew it would take very, very little for my H to think "I was back" emotionally and he would start trying to show me affection, etc., that I was not ready for. Your W is saying that she is concerned about your grandmother. I'm sure she loves her after being in the family this long. However, she is afraid to give you any room.....afraid you will get all mushy.....or use that excuse to put your arms around her, etc.

To say these things hurt you, I know. I am telling you how it is for a WAW the best I can. However, if you can stick with it, I am proof that she can come out of the fog.

Based on what LBH's have said, about the hardest thing for them is not to be able to show affection to their WAW. It will take her a long time, Stuck. I remember when my H just came in where I was on the computer and kissed my shoulder. I wanted to tell him that I was not ready for that, but at the same time.....I did not want to hurt him. It is the feeling of "rejection" that the LBH feels so stronly. It isn't like the WAW doesn't know that......but she can't help it. It is taking all of her power to stay in a M and not run away. In fact, she knows this so well that it adds more guilt to her every growing list of "sins". Both of you are going through a terrible time separately and together. If you can keep telling yourself that "this too shall pass".......and try very, very hard not to think of her rejecting you....but that she is trying to get well....maybe that will help you through some difficult times such as this.

If you were told that this was a disease she had and it was going to take a year or maybe two before she could be completely well......could you hang in there in spite of how she acted?

Talk to you later,
Sandi

[confusedinpa]

Actually there was one important message I got from the movie. And that was to do what we're doing for our S and not expect to get anything in return. That we need to listen to them with compassion to what their needs were in the past and show them we listened.

The thing about sacrifice without expectations was a pretty strong one and pointed out alot of the things I was doing that were wrong. We do what we do because we want to do it. I think the shedding of the expectations is the hardest thing. But it can be done with belief in ourselves.

Stuck,

At the risk of getting hit with a club, how does one "listen to them with compassion to what their needs were in the past and show them we listened" as we "sacrifice without expectations" while being Dark?

Or is going Dark done after that?

[sandi2]

Confused, I think you are too hung up on going "dark" and do not fully understand the concept. Being dark is not having contact with them. How can you listen and show compassion if you are going dark? I think it would be better for you to think in terms of being emotionally detached. JMHO.

Stuck,

I did not get to finish my post, but I was talking like this MLC was a disease. If you knew that it was a disease that was causing her to say and do the things she did, I think you could have much more patient with her. I do not agree that a MLC is a normal process, but I do think that people and especially couples who live together a long time--go through a transition period and have to regroup, etc. However, MLC is not called a "crises" for nothing. I think we see eye to eye on that.

It is just that it becomes way too personal b/c you are the "butt" of her rejection, sadness, wrath, etc. You would have to be made out of steel not to have emotional relapses from things that happened.

I also wanted to say this for anybody reading.......about watching the movie, Fireproof, or any other movie along those story lines, it is not to be watched with your WAS. The same principle of trying to get them to read material on MR applies to watching movies like this one. It is a great movie! However, she/he will feel trapped and manipulated if you play it for them to see. In the long run, it will only make things worse b/c they know it was for their benefit and it will cause a relapse of any progress made.

Take care,
Sandi

[Kittyfish]

Yeah, I was somewhat cold to my H when we were separating. He had a few things happen and I felt sympathy towards him. As he knew about everything though I knew if I tried to show too much sympathy that he would blast me "You don't care about me- see look what you're doing". I did care about him as a person- and I still love his family dearly- even though they treat me like a leper.

[MrBond]

Hi sandi,

thanks for the response. The biggest problem for me about my grandmother incident was two things:

1) Just about one year ago, my W's grandmother was in the hospital (also late 90's y.o.) and I was by her side the whole time, supporting her, praying for her, etc. And all the while she was messing around with her doctor.

2) My grandmother was in the Orthopedics unit which is the dept. that my W works in (different hospital). Rather than spending my concern on my grandmother, I found myself looking at the nurses that were coming in and seeing my W in their shoes. Then I kept looking at the doctors and wondered how many of them were sleeping with their nurses.

I felt so disgusted at having these thoughts that after I left the hospital, I just didn't want to go home to see her. I drove around and went to a bookstore to kill time and didn't get back till almost 12 midnight, thinking she and my daughters would be asleep.

Lo and behold when I got home, she was still awake with the kids. She was concerned that night though. Just not the following.

I do get what you say about her not giving an inch to show anything that might give me 'hope'. But for me, that ship has sailed. Right now it's either you care about me as you do any of your patients or human beings or not.

She was a very compassionate person and it's interesting to see that she's changed into this shell of the woman she once was. I pity her now more than anything.

[MrBond]

Hey Kittyfish,

Don't worry about feeling like a leper. We have an island here that had originally been set-up for lepers and it's BEAUTIFUL! You're more than welcome to come and join in! LOL

Thanks also for the response. I do get the not showing the H too much to give "false hope".

[MrBond]

sandi, Kittyfish, whatdidido, others,

How did you know or notice that the wall you built around you started to slowly come down? Did you notice things more about your H? Did you start treating him nicer?

During your time of doubt, was there ever a time where you found your H not "attractive" physically and emotionally? There was a comment my W made early on about how she was never physically attracted to me and that's how a R should start. I know she probably didn't mean it, but I was wondering about it from a woman's POV.

[Thinker]

There was a comment my W made early on about how she was never physically attracted to me and that's how a R should start. I know she probably didn't mean it...

Hi Stuck,

I got (and continue to get) the same thing from my W - "I'm just not attracted to you!".

I think my W means it, and I am pretty sure yours does as well. It's not meant as an insult, just an honest statement of their feelings.