If it had previously been discussed (spending time away from kids) and agreed upon, that would be one thing, but your wife may well feel that she is being blindsided with this vacation and also may feel that you are using the kids as bait/tool to 'hurt her'. I'm sure that's not what you are doing, but this is a beautiful chance for you to show that you can be compassionate to her and a different Antlers from the one she is used to.
How about you (to quote CityGirl) 'reconfigure the trip for a shorter period of time' and do some day trips or something. When serving up your compromise to her you could say something like:
"I've been thinking lots about this vacation thing and as much as I was really looking forward to the trip, I guess I didn't truly put myself in your shoes and think about how you would feel if they were away for 12 days. How about if <insert compromise here>? then see what she says. Then later on in another conversation maybe raise the topic of discussing how you both will approach vacations in future (eg how much notice to give the other parent, how long is okay etc).
Up until your last few posts you have been handling this well adn thinking about her feelings. You seem to be pissed (and I don't blame you) but don't slip back into what you say were your 'old ways'.
I wish my husband would open up like you have. How much of your feelings of remorse and validation have you shared with your wife?
Hi Purple.
It hasn't been discussed really, and it hasn't really been a problem until now. She disagreed with me taking them for Spring Break for the days that I did, but we worked that out. haven't had any problems with sharing the kids either. Do you think she felt 'blindsided' with this vacation...or is she just dictating to me how it's gonna be? How would taking the kids on the kind of vacation that we always have 'hurt' her? I wouldn't do that. I've shown nothing but compassion towards her ever since before she moved out, and it's meant nothing to her. I am different...doesn't matter to her.
I can reconfigure the trip without much of a problem. I've been being compassionate, and she walks all over it. I like your response. If I use it, I might do some editing. We do need to talk about future vacations, and how to communicate better regarding them.
I do think about her feelings quite a bit, lots of time more than my own! I'm really not 'pissed'...I'm frustrated and hurt. I will not slip back into being the way that I used to be.
I have opened up to her too, a lot! I have shared tons of my feelings of remorse with my wife...she says it means nothing to her because it still doesn't make up for the way I've treated her in the past! I have validated her feelings at every opportunity.
Thank you Purple for your time and effort in trying to help me.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
