OK weird observation, how can your wife come home and make love to you when she is looking elsewhere? My wife said the cheating woke her up, made her horny...she actually justified stuff saying I should be glad her interest in other guys makes her want to have sex with me...you might be in the same boat. Hey! your chocolate is in my peanut butter...
Actually, this is more common than you think . . .
...yeah, just when you thought you'd heard it all...Stick around, there really is no limit to the twisted ways those in the fog will justify and rationalize their screwy behavior. Even more amazing, is how much "we" put up with. Love will bring a strong man to his knees.
Last edited by DownNotOut...yet; 06/09/0906:47 PM.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
OK weird observation, how can your wife come home and make love to you when she is looking elsewhere? My wife said the cheating woke her up, made her horny...she actually justified stuff saying I should be glad her interest in other guys makes her want to have sex with me...you might be in the same boat. Hey! your chocolate is in my peanut butter...
Actually, this is more common than you think . . .
Yes, it is. I was guilty of this myself. You feel sexual- your partner about who you are fantasizing about isn't around so you love the one you're with.
Once the cat is out of the bag she'll have two options: leave you for him (or them) or give up these other guys. I'd be prepared for the former possibility. So, you could continue on as though this isn't happening until a time comes when the relationship with some other guy is strong enough to overcome her fear of leaving, or you could draw your line in the sand that you aren't going to be second to anyone. I'd take the latter stance.
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I know what I'd do if it were me...(and I did)...I tell her to get out. I'd confront her definitively with the threat of losing me.
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Tell it is unacceptable. Tell her she gets you, or him but not both. This could wind up NOT going in your favor but a weak stance at this point, I think, will get you nothing, just more limbo.
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Just tell her "I know all about you and _______ , and it needs to stop if you want to remain married to me. I am not willing to live in an open marriage" (or whatever it is you want to say).
Just to remind everyone...for 14 months now, with all the good times, with all the closeness and changes in the dynamics, she has ALWAYS....ALWAYS...stuck to her guns and said that she wanted out of the marriage eventually.
I have waited...I have been consistent in my changes and behavior. I knew she was still not happy, and when the occasional R talk came up, I accepted what she said.
She stayed..we plugged along..had fun and drank way too much and continued to be intimate.
I always thought one day she would wake up, commit and realize we had a very good chance at working this all out.
The time will come, maybe, when I am made out to be a bigger fool than I feel like right now...but still don't think there has been anything physical. I DO believe it is coming to that point...I'm not a complete fool, I hope.
Maybe this is her way of letting me down easy...maybe the new EA has given her the strength to finally move on?
Have to be away from here for a while.
You guys are awesome.
WT...I am a little worried about me too, but I think I will be fine. Hoping the truth will set me free and not knock me out?
When this comes to pass, there is a whole other world of financial ramifications that will have to be dealt with and I still have my daughter to think about.
My assumption is my wife's thinking is still very narrow minded...emotionally and sexually, but I also am not naive enough to think that may win out over taking this one step at a time so that we don't both end up out on the street.
In her mind, I think she is feeling that she has waited over a year for me to move on, and can't wait any longer. So, she may be willing to forgo any sane conversation about how we can remain financially solvent, separated and move on together.
Trying to remain open minded and will listen if she talks. If not, I have no choice but to wait it out, stop all physical contact and move on emotionally.
I will not pack my bags and leave, and I will not throw her out, but I think she is perfectly capable right now of doing something far from what I ever expected from her.
Once again, thanks to everyone who checked on me and your concern and comments.
We finally got to talking late last night. My daughter was home all evening, which is unusual, but left to visit with friends and I broke the ice around 11PM.
I want to try to stick with just the facts that came out, and yes, I know...these are her words...her thoughts, and I have been here over a year.
I know the mantras...and I have read all that you guys have told me.
There is no way to know what is the truth and what is not. There is no way to know what is really in her heart right now. All I have right now is what she told me, and although in my heart, I want to believe every word, there has been enough lies and deceit, and enough new info to make me question everything.
Those were my words to her exactly last evening.
Also, remember, going in to this, I never thought this was going to be a choice between me and OM. She has always insisted the marriage was over and I should move on, even though she never pushed.
That was a big part of the talk last night, but not the reason we had got to that point, so maybe I will come back to it.
I tried hard not to make it an interrogation, but she was very reluctant to open up about what she was really feeling. I was firm, kind and tried to let her know that she could tell me all...no anger..no judgment...it was just time. I needed to know and she needed to get out.
She told me through all of her unhappiness and 20 years of marriage, she has never strayed. There has never been another in her heart or mind. Her goal when she decided the marriage was over was to heal, be alone and get on with her life the way she thought it should be....to be out from under my control.
This past few months was all new to her and she knew it was not right, but it happened so slowly that before she knew it, the feelings were there and she couldn't stop.
She has never met OM in person. It started out very innocently and she never planned to let it go this far. They text, chat and speak on the phone.
She feels that it may be something she could pursue, but has not given that much thought....in her words, he lives there, I live here...it's not possible at this time and no one has talked about packing it all in and having a future together.
She said, although there are strong feelings, she is not naive enough to think that "he is the one". Like she said.."I have never met him..I have no idea what I will feel when the time comes, but right now I feel something".
He will be coming to the area, and she has looked forward to finally meeting him.
She could not rule out physical contact, or even sex when they do meet.
That turned the talk into thoughts about our agreement, as we were supposed to be ending the marriage this year. Thoughts about the past year and the closeness and friendship I thought we had developed....My thoughts on infidelity, cheating and the sanctity of marriage...even one in which both have agreed may be over...was over.
Questions to her as to why she did not actively pursue a separation / divorce this past year.
.....and me finally asking her, her thoughts about not meeting him, or putting it off until which time we have agreed to some sort of separation...or her being certain in her heart and mind that was the way she wanted this all to end...questions to her about whether or not she could do that now, knowing where we have been so recently...is that really her...is that what you want.
...and I told her I didn't want an answer, but would ask again....to make sure it is what you want, and remember the past year..remember things will never be the same between us.
Can't do much more right now...I know I left some things unanswered and there is more.
I still don't know how I feel about all this or whether it was the deal breaker....or if she is too far gone herself.
The time has come to move on, no matter what she does, or what we have had this past year. I can't pursue, I can't hate her and I am not sure I still have it in heart to love her unconditionally.
My decision process is a little haywire right now, and the fact that she will soon have the opportunity to be with him in person makes my mind race at times.
Sorry if this rambles and sorry that I did not give the answers to all the questions that were asked last night.
I will try to fill in the blanks, but if any one has any questions or comments I would be glad to hear them.
I sure am sorry to hear all of this Tim, even though it sure seemed like that was what was coming.
It's a bit more than a punch to the gut when your wife, regardless of the current condition of your marriage, tells you she is looking forward to meeting up with another man and possibly bedding him during their first meeting.
As someone else said earlier, I do believe with women there is an emotional connection first. And in many ways, that is far more difficult to overcome than a one night physical stand. Your wife has fostered this relationship for some time, no doubt entertaining the fantasy of what a relationship with this "wonderful" man would be like.
To be honest, I find it completely disgusting and an incredibly negative indication of her nature and character. I have never understood how a person can foster and begin building a relationship with another while still married to another. Is it so hard to grasp the idea of ending one relationship before starting another? I swear it seems that some of these people are still living their life in high school or college mode.
Your wife should damned well have known better.
I'm not sure how you could ever entertain the thoughts of allowing intimacy with her any more.
And yes, the trust is all but destroyed, and the felling blow would be her actually carrying out the physical meeting/intimacy with this moron.
But I see that you are still reeling, still not sure if this is a dealbreaker for you or not. Yet isn't your wife indicating to you that there is no deal to be broken?
You now have a female roommate with an internet boyfriend. That's what it sounds like to me. How do you expect to deal with the nights that she decides to go out, never knowing if it's an innocent night out with the girls or a meeting with her latest boyfriend.
I'm sorry Tim. I don't mean to incite you or pour salt on your wounds. Your wife's actions and her words from last night just totally piss me off. And the fact that she comes home from vacation and enjoys a night of passion with you as though nothing has changed fundamentally now looks like the worst kind of deception.
You've got to do what's right for you. It's time to protect yourself in every way that you might need protecting. Physically (someone mentioned protection?), legally (I know you're not going to just GIVE the house away like you first promised her!), and emotionally.
Everything for you at this point should pass through those three filters. Every decision should be weighed against what keeps you healthy in those three areas.
What in the world is your daughter going to say about what her mother is doing?
What a mess.
I hope I'm not making this harder for you. If I am, let me know and I'll cool my words and just listen for awhile. Unlike the others, I never saw this coming. Ever.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
This past few months was all new to her and she knew it was not right, but it happened so slowly that before she knew it, the feelings were there and she couldn't stop.
She has never met OM in person. It started out very innocently and she never planned to let it go this far. They text, chat and speak on the phone.
She feels that it may be something she could pursue, but has not given that much thought....in her words, he lives there, I live here...it's not possible at this time and no one has talked about packing it all in and having a future together.
She said, although there are strong feelings, she is not naive enough to think that "he is the one". Like she said.."I have never met him..I have no idea what I will feel when the time comes, but right now I feel something".
He will be coming to the area, and she has looked forward to finally meeting him.
She could not rule out physical contact, or even sex when they do meet.
...is pretty much the same self-centered, asinine bullcrap that just about every one on this site has heard from their screwed up spouse.
There's nothing genuine or even original about it.
It's called justification.
And it's not even very good justification.
It's the typical first line of defense erected by a cheating spouse when they are caught, but their spouse still seems to be handling it reasonably.
"I never meant for it to happen."
You don't look up old male friends when you're a female unless you're looking for a new male friend. And you don't look for male friends when you're in a damaged marriage unless you're looking for a new potential playmate. This ain't rocket science.
"Before I knew it, there were feelings there."
Even though I'm thirtysomething years old and know damned well what that initial rush is that comes with an illicit relationship, I'm going to plead ignorance on this one and say it just happened. I don't suppose ending messages with X's and O's, I love you's, and sharing erotic stories with each other could have had anything to do with a desire to see what it might be like? This wasn't an accident. It's the natural result of irresponsible decisions. Your wife is not an idiot - she knew darned well what was happening and where their interaction was leading.
"I just don't know what I am going to do."
I know exactly what I'm going to do, but I can tell you are already upset and hurt and I don't want to make it any worse by telling you all the thoughts that I've been rolling around in my mind for the past several months. The truth is that she knows exactly what she's going to do, which is exactly why she would not give you a guarantee that nothing physical would happen between her and the moron. Again, this is nothing more that deflection to get you off her case.
Let's at least call bs, bs.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Bill Yes..still reeling and seems to be getting worse.
Like I said when the post started...her words. I expected the "cheaters lie"...I know.
Trying to get there. Remember, you have also told many times, I know her better than any one here on the board.
No excuses for her....no burying my head...I get it..I know what she has done. I know I can't trust or believe her any more.
Right now, there is no anger, only hurt. Right now, I still want to believe that there have been no others, and that the awakening will come before it's too late.
I also know that's just a fantasy, and the time has come for me to move on emotionally.
Bill, you have listened to my words and thoughts about her for over a year now. That woman is still in there somewhere.
That woman I still love.
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"I just don't know what I am going to do."
I know exactly what I'm going to do, but I can tell you are already upset and hurt and I don't want to make it any worse by telling you all the thoughts that I've been rolling around in my mind for the past several months. The truth is that she knows exactly what she's going to do, which is exactly why she would not give you a guarantee that nothing physical would happen between her and the moron. Again, this is nothing more that deflection to get you off her case.
Tim, I read the words your wife said to you last night and I feel so sad for you. Again, I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with all of this!
And, I, too, am angry! I cannot help but feel that your wife is already planning an intimate encounter with this OM. She as much as said so when she told you she couldn't rule out that possibility.
Like Bill said, it is time that you start protecting yourself and looking out for YOUR best interests...in EVERY way.
You have got to decide what YOU want and how much YOU are willing to take. Are you willing to sit back and wait patiently at home while your wife is out with another man, possibly having sex with him?
She is cake-eating, just like all the others. How long will you indulge her?
NO one should have to tolerate this kind of abuse from their spouse.
I am NOT trying to tell you to end your marriage, just that you should not have to put up with this kind of behavior. No matter what your past mistakes may be, you do NOT deserve this. You have done everything you possibly could to show your wife how much you love her and how hard you are willing to work to make your marriage successful.
Tim, we are here for you. I pray that God will give you the knowledge and strength that you need.
