Stress, WAW and life in general III

[aliveandkicking]

Thanks MB. There are opportunities here too. I'll work it out.

[AJM]

Sorry for the long delays in updating guys. I've been trying to keep my head together. When she left it was quite the mindf***.

I'm close to saying c-ya. Then I talked to the MC and she tells me I let my W into my head too much. I think she's right.

I think I'm being used. I think my W is using me to keep from feeling other feelings. What I mean is that she dredges up things to make her angry (shaking mad) so that she can avoid the other feelings of guilt and worthlessness.

Some of the things she's since told me make me think she's clinically depressed. She has a doctor's appt next week, but we'll see if she goes through with it. She was having real trouble getting out of bed, sleeping, eating, etc. Not sure where she is now. She moved out, so I don't really know what's going on. Scary, but I realize I have to focus more on me.

The good news is that the kids get her more undivided attention when with her. I'm happy for that although I can see the wear and tear it is putting on them. They're doing their best though.

I've got four days to be with me, myself, and I. I'm very much looking forward to that (although I do miss the kids.)

AJ

[mindfull]

I think my W is using me to keep from feeling other feelings. What I mean is that she dredges up things to make her angry (shaking mad) so that she can avoid the other feelings of guilt and worthlessness.

AJ - I can relate to this... sometimes I think H looks for things wrong in what I've said or done to avoid the emotional mess he's made of me. I may be fairly good at covering it, but I'm not an actress.

How much are you seeing W now that she's moved out?

It appears the kids are doing ok... What is the wear and tear you see??

Good to see you!!!

[AJM]

AJ - I can relate to this... sometimes I think H looks for things wrong in what I've said or done to avoid the emotional mess he's made of me

One thing I've learned is that she can do nothing to me in that sense. I think it is likely the same for you - Husband didn't make you a mess - that was your reaction (and I completely understand).

How much have I seen her? Too much I think. It's really tearing me up. She treats me as less than a friend many days. I have to admit my anger and resentment is really out of control right now. I need some time to deal and can't get enough time away from her to complete my thoughts.

This past weekend was nice. Turbulent, but nice in the end because I was able to be by myself. I love my kids, but I needed some time. Just at the end, W decided to come by the house to use the washing machine (larger at the house and son's blanket needed to be cleaned.) She called and I said no problem while you're there, please let the dogs out because I won't be back after church. It'll be much later in the day before I get back. She took that as an opportunity to spy on me a bit. She left me a note to enjoy my cooking class (nobody knew but it was on the calendar at the house). That kind of bothered me (now I guess I know how she felt?) She called later in the evening to see how the class was and to chat. She also wanted to get on the calendar to go to an Inn in Ashboro for our anniversary.

The downside is that I'm angry enough right now, that I do not want to go with her. I suspect I'm using the anger as a defense mechanism, but so far have not been able to stop it. I'm trying. I really am, but not really having much luck at the moment. I've lost my way for a while. Need some time. Perhaps this is what Kalni was talking about in some of her posts?

I did try to go to a baseball game. Could have gone to NYC last minute to see them play Tampa. Tampa's farm team, the Durham bulls play here, so it's nice to see some of those that have moved to the bigs play. But the weather was sketchy looking and I decided I really didn't have the money right now to risk on a possible rained out game. I had to wait.

Thanks MB. I'm trying, but I'm drowning at the moment. I'm focusing on me more and more. I had to put that off while I focused on the kids. They seem to be adjusting, so I'm altering my approach.

Take care,
AJ

[aliveandkicking]

AJ- You suggested that her anger may be avoidance and that mine may be and even that yours may be.

So, what might you be avoiding?

Do you think she should come in YOUR house and use the washing machine if she is treating you as less than a friend?

Do you think she should be in your house at all at this point? (she needed her space, you need yours)

I am in a similar position but I wonder if you aren't feeling a bit like a doormat. These are your choices to make. Even if you allow her to come in, you can do it knowing it is your choice and be conscious to put away things you don't want her to see. I think you need your privacy. When H read my emails and saw all of the things I was doing that I had kept so private, it really threw me off.

You have choices. You said you are seeing too much of her, can you do something about that?

[AJM]

That's a great question. I think it's really what I've been coming to, although I haven't figured out why it is bothering me. The lack of distance.

In fairness, she did ask if she could bring it over and it is my son's. I don't have a problem with it, and I don't feel like a doormat. She's been respectful of my space in that sense.

No, my anger is something else. I don't yet know the source but I suspect some of it is to avoid feeling sad. Or other emotions not yet identified.

Still, it's not helpful. I've put it off for a while and my just need to feel it for a while. I'm prepared for that. Seems to be waning a little, but still angry. Speak to the MC alone this afternoon and I may float the idea of less time with her.

I have to keep in mind some of this may be related to depression as well. I can't discount that yet. I also can't discount that it's depression that is caused by her choice to separate starting when she started school.

AJ

[Sam1007]

I don't yet know the source but I suspect some of it is to avoid feeling sad.

AJ, just checking in on you after a week away.

I think you may just be feeling like your W threw your life out the window and you start missing all the things you had for so long. Your mind will always look for a guilty party in those situations. What you really are (I think) is sad about it taking this turn. Taking some time to yourself forces you to make sure you make yourself happy instead of relying on others for that. You will feel better after you do that.

[AJM]

Thanks Sam. You're right. I'm starting to come out of my pity party.

Truth is, I don't think she can do much more. I'm angry that she put the effort into other things and people and keeps me hanging on. It makes me angry that she blames me for things she's done. It makes me angry that we're in this situation and I feel like I have very little part in it. More like she's trying to control things in her world to gain her equilibrium. That's how it feels.

Just the same, I'm running on empty. I am aware of that. That's ok though. There's a part of me that feels this is like working out: you spend the first 30 minutes running until you're tired. It's the next 10 minutes that real growth occurs. Hard to remember while on this crazy train, but I'm working it out. Slowly.

Weird sh*t gets to me. She called and wants me to reserve a room in the mountains for our anniversary next month. I almost screamed, "why!!!??" She doesn't want to even hug me. I feel like a leper around her and don't even want to date her tomorrow night. Just the same, I'll pull myself together and I know I'll be there.

Doormat? No. But I have been pushed and feel I've been taken advantage of. I'll have to work on that.

I have to admit, I've really questioned why I continue. I've considered asking her why she doesn't just let me go. I think I know the answer to that though. For me, it's not yet time for divorce. I've been closer lately though. I think that's how I know I'm empty and how I know that growth is coming. The pain acts as a bell weather. The pain is in my head. My heart. But it's mine and is because of my own thoughts. I have to do better and I will.

Thanks for checking in.
AJ

[aliveandkicking]

Weird sh*t gets to me. She called and wants me to reserve a room in the mountains for our anniversary next month. I almost screamed, "why!!!??" She doesn't want to even hug me. I feel like a leper around her and don't even want to date her tomorrow night. Just the same, I'll pull myself together and I know I'll be there.

Don't flinch AJ. You are here for a reason. You have been DB'ing for a reason. Don't let your demons sabotage tomorrow night...be there, be your awesome self. None of us want to look back and wish for another chance. Maybe you wont want her in the end, but this isn't the end, it is a new beginning. Attitude is everything and dates are the best because they are separate and apart from all of the other cr*p.

Oh, by the way...come back to my thread...

[AJM]

Perhaps you are a tad needy

Thanks AK. You're right and I'm just faltering on watching the goal. What I say in your thread, I say for me as well.

We'll get through this AK. We will. We'll be happier and better adjusted people when done. Perhaps shinier as well.

It's tough to be a 6'9" Chinaman in this situation (just joking. That's not me, but figured you could use a laugh too