confused.....want to do something.....

[traveldane]

Hi Orchid,

One thing I wanted to put out there for you regarding emailing your H is the whole concept of remember what your end goal is. This is something that I struggle with regularly, especially when he says or does something that I feel disrespects me to the core. But one of the most difficult lessons that I am begining to learn (through painful trial and error experience) is that we can't control what they think, feel or say and only can control our actions. When they p*SS us off, it is fair and justified to put them back in their place, however it will only perpetuate negative interaction with them, put them on the defensive, they will twist it into justification for their cop-out behavior. Its not fair, its not right, but with the state these WAS, MLCers, whatever they are, are in, this is what they will do.

So we have a choice. If we want to walk away from them and their bad behavior for good because we are ready, or if we don't care if the relationship deteriorates, then by all means, give it to them straight the way it is and then ride off into the sunset. I have wanted to do that SO many times.

At one point, early on in this mess, I sent my H an email outlining how cowardly, self indulgent and ridiculously entitled he was to spiral into his own self pity and depression after the loss of our preganacy, how turning away from me and having an EA for support while I was turning myself inside out to figure out what was wrong between the two of us, what to do to make him happy, all the while I was dealing with OUR loss too...! I was so angry, hurt, and was like Alanis Morissette's YOU OTTA KNOW! I sent the email and felt good for standing up for myself... I will not be a door mat. But then, because he is in that self absorbed state, swimming in the perpeutual Lake Me, he commented curtly that I was right, I deserved better, he hoped I would find it else where. I countered with I did deserve better, I deserved it from him, my H! To which he replied, As you pointed out, I am a coward and am not capable of giving you what you need.

At that point I realized, not only was this exchange pulling us further apart, he was not going to man up and awknowlege what I was saying. All he was going to do was lick his own wounds and retreat further. And probably jump on IM to his EA buddy and say how I mean I was. I was furious. Why should I have to tread lightly for his ego after everything he had done? And slowly I realized, I didn't, I could finish him off and walk away. But he would not be watching me go at this point. And while I hated him for what he was doing, for not being stronger right now, he was the person that had been my best friend, a really good BF in the past, and we had both been through hell. I had to admit that while he was being totally selfish and beyond wrong, he WAS hurting, had more than just our pregnancy loss undermining his identity (lots of dysfunction family stuff that surfaced unrelentlessly over the past year) and what I wanted most of all was to get through this and see about rebuilding our marriage. If that were to happen, would I except anything less than him strong enough to be there through ups and downs for the rest of our lives? No. But he is not there right now. He is doing IC and working on himself. He might not ever be, or it might be too late for me. But I was not ready to walk away and say forget it. So, if that was how I really felt, I needed to decide how much I could take and stop perpetuating negative interaction. Even if I was right. Even if it was fair. In the end, did I want to be right, or happy?

So, this all to say, before you email your H, decide what your end goal is. If its to maintain this boundary and you are done with his crap, ready to move on from your R, then go to it, he certainly derserves to hear this. However, if you are thinking you are going to put him in his place on this subject and work on improving things between you right now, I caution you to remember how he is going to turn your words around and use them to justify what he is doing.

I say write the email, write your heart out. But tell yourself you will wait 1 week before sending. If, at the end of the week you still want to say what you wrote in that way, then go for it. I have writen countless letters. To my H, to the OW EA "stick figure with no soul" (sex and the city reference)...I have printed the ones to her out, been so close to mailing them. I spent one entire plane ride rehearsing in my mind what I would say to this girl, had real plans to confront her. Had crazy thoughts of going to confront her at work, in front of all their mutual friends. So far I haven't because I know it will only make me look pathetic and desperate, and that my end goal is to appear to my husband full of grace, the W he fell in love with, and for him to continue to feel only his own shame and guilt for what he has done, no excuse to direct that anger toward me. Plus, as I am learning, stick figure with no soul and H are both guilty and dealing with embarrassment and dissaproval from their colleagues and our friends for the time they spend "hanging out" outside work. One of their colleages told me how needy and immature she is. So, much as I want to face her and give her the old F. U., I realize that she eventually will reveal herself as not so attractive after all (give someone enough rope to hang them selves...).

This whole approach is not my style...I prefer to address things head on. But I am learning from DBing and this forum that with WAS and the emotional state they are in, this approach gets turned against the rational LBS. Many days I am ready to say forget him and throw in the towel...but until I am 100% there, the only way to deal with him is the Act as If, higher ground. So I just wanted to point this out to you, so that you don't end up getting your words thrown back or used against you, unless this is a deal breaker and you are at the point where you truely don't care.

Hope you are having a good day. Take care,
Traveldane