You seem to be facing the same "should I stay or should I go" conundrum I faced many months ago...
I don't have advice re this but I'll tell you about my experience and it might help a bit...
As you're experiencing my W got to the point where she seemed to "hate" me -seemed to resent me to the point of not wanting to breathe the air I breathed...this became a really poisonous atmosphere and badly affected our son...I really couldn't do anything right.
She wanted me out of the house and it couldn't be soon enough...my self esteem, fragile as it was took a real beating and it was devastating to see our son caught up in the middle of it...
The choice seemed to boil down to either I went or she would - with our son and that would have seen him even more up-ended than he already was - one thing I did manage to see through the fog of that period was that it was important for him to stay in his "home", with his friends close by and going to his school - IOW for him to experience as little disruption as possible...as great a Dad as I am I couldn't see how I would be able to hold down a full time job while sorting out school drop-offs / pick-ups etc etc, after-school activities at the same time...my W works p/t and had a great network of friends / other mums etc as a consequence of this...
At the same time I hugely resented the choices on offer.
Mainly out of my wish to ensure that our son was not hurt / disrupted any further I made the decision to leave...at the same time, for a few months preceding this my W had developed a relationship with another man. It meant that for a goodfew months we were separated in the same house and with me, not knowing at the time, but facilitating this R.
At no point did I try the hard approach advocated by some on these boards...I made moves to find and buy a new place - of course this process took longer than expected -that's the way these things work - my W thought I was deliberately dragging my feet - at no point was this ever the case though...
Since I moved W and I have now got to the point where we co-operate fully on all issues concerning our son -he spends pretty much equal time with me as he does with my W - sometimes more nights each week with me than with my W.
Some saw it at the time as me appeasing my W and to outside observers I'm not surprised but it has been the best move for me -I have gained my self-respect and confidence as a Dad - in fact, if I say so myself - I'm a bloody brilliant Dad! And if my W was pushed to give comment she would say the same -I'm not sure any of that could have happened if I had dug my heels in and stayed.
I have observed, although this is an entirely personal view - and with absolutely no slights intended to anyone, that the folks who advocate staying put tend to be from the US, while those who are less certain and "on the fence" tend to be from the UK..at least in the threads I have followed. I don't know for certain if this is true, but having been here for 2 and a half years this seems to be the case to me time and time again...I haven't developed any theories to explain this but there does seem to be "cultural" difference - and in saying that I am not in any way saying one or the other approach is better or "more right".
What I would observe though is that your actions play out in reality in the particular environment, situation, country, culture you live in and IMO you need to bear this in mind when looking at your options...DBingsometimes loses sight of this as in a sense being here its easy to lose yourself into "pure principles" or getting advice / input from folks who very definitely want to help, but whose "schemas" are influenced by a different culture.
Mark its vital to take on-board as much input and advice available - but what I think I'm trying to say is - do your very best to consider all of that against the background of your actual and real situation.
I have enormous, enormous respect for everyone that pitches in on these boards to help fellow DBers and I would hope never to dismiss any of that advice / input / 2 cents etc etc , but as I said up-thread, there are country-centric differences that need to be considered too...
Supporting, listening, questioning, validating, challenging etc is for me what these boards are best at...specific advice (do this, do that) is for me less helpful...
