Since I was notified that my wife was detached years ago,and that she loves be but is not in love..this was 3.20.09 , I have done everything from cry to beg to change, to read every book, do a 180. I have tried to be her friend, work on myself, serve in our church, exercise like a madman, help the homeless, learn the guitar, become her friend, etc. all the stuff in DR. Although I feel better about dealing with this, she is feeling worse, mainly guilt stricken, for the pain she caused me, and possibly because she is thinking about leaving. She and I are going to counseling, which is good. She is in a self discovery mode which is good also. She can't sleep at night trying to process all of my changes and dealing with her own decisions. For 10 years we have struggled to feel connected, sexually. For me it was due to her weight gain, and for her well naturally she knew that I had a problem feeling attracted to her. As she and I went through life. 2 boys, jobs moves, layoffs, financial issues, I have grown to adore her and love her so deeply beyond the physical. But the damage was done, we got used to coexisting, until she could not take it any more. She met an old boyfriend on Facebook, that said that he could care less that she was 40 pounds over weight. She said her heart flipped as you can imagine, and then the begining of the end started to unfold for us. We are great friends parents and we have been great lovers. I am finding hard to believe that this can't be overcome. But my wife is so sensitive, so seperated, so detached, so much in pain, she has done little since March to better herself esteem, or self worth, she is waiting for her heart to change, but as you can imagine it can't until she decides to do something about it. I miss her so desperately, but want to give her space most importantly. I am learning patience, which is good, but every new thing I learn and change for the good seems to make my W feel more guilty that she cannot give me the love I deserve.
What do I do??
ME 43 Her 37 Married 6/98 2 sons 8 and 3 Love em tons Seperated March 20th Her- not sure Me willing to make changes
I know where you're at. My H and I have also been separated since March. I too did the begging, crying, etc. I have been trying to do a 180 and I've even done LRT here and there. Things were working until a setback last week. See my other posts.
Anyways, now we're back to square one. But I've changed. I have been working on myself and I'm doing well, strong. I know I can do it alone if I have to, but I don't want to.
Obviously, since I'm in the same boat, I feel awkward giving you advice. But your W needs to figure out her stuff and in the meantime keep up with the GAL.
Keep giving her space, being kind, DON'T make her feel guilty, that will drive her away for SURE. Good luck, stay strong!
Me 39 H 42 M 11, T 12 S 10,6 D 3 EA 2007 separated in same home since 3/10/09
"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Five Love Languages" educate you on the different ways people express love and how to give the love they want to receive. Those techniques will provide you with tools to show your wife how you feel effectively. You'll be able to give her what is best suited for her rather than what you think she needs.
I go through a lot of self doubt despite my efforts to change. I sent my wife to CA with the boys so that she could have mental break from all of this crap, my way of showing love, and giving her space. I want her to feel warm and comfortable visiting her Mom and Dad, whom I love and adore. I hope that she misses me, but I am so worried, that she will see me as a worse person because she felt so loved at home. I am trying not to pester her but have had to communicate for schedule reasons and saying good night to the boys. I am lonely for sure
My biggest prayer to God is that I know that it was rough and that I have learned to value my W more than ever, it took me ten years, but now that my mind has changed I feel cheated that i may not have the chance to give her the love she had been waiting for. i feel that i have learned my lesson, but my wife still has these gigantic walls up.
I will check out the "five Love languages"
ME 43 Her 37 Married 6/98 2 sons 8 and 3 Love em tons Seperated March 20th Her- not sure Me willing to make changes
This week as I mentioned my wife is away for a week with the kids, first time that She has been away. I am glad that she is gone because I can reflect without seeing her, I am glad that I can work on a few personal things while she is gone, like self control, emotional control, and self worth, I am supposed to clean the house, but I have been spending my time running, and working. I painted our bonus room until I ran out of paint, and I am going to go to guitar lessons today. We have talked on the phone 3 times since Friday, all upbeat as always, I am tryng not to call, and I hope she finds peace for at least a week, When she comes back this weekend are there any suggestions as to deal with the transition, because I am compfortable at the moment with no stress, and I don't want that stress to creek in, I have been thinking about going out more on my own with friends, but don't want to shirk my responsibilities as a father.
ME 43 Her 37 Married 6/98 2 sons 8 and 3 Love em tons Seperated March 20th Her- not sure Me willing to make changes
. . .I am glad that I can work on a few personal things while she is gone, like self control, emotional control, and self worth, I am supposed to clean the house . . .
This week as I mentioned my wife is away for a week with the kids, first time that She has been away. I am glad that she is gone because I can reflect without seeing her, I am glad that I can work on a few personal things while she is gone, like self control, emotional control, and self worth, I am supposed to clean the house, but I have been spending my time running, and working. I painted our bonus room until I ran out of paint, and I am going to go to guitar lessons today. We have talked on the phone 3 times since Friday, all upbeat as always, I am tryng not to call, and I hope she finds peace for at least a week, When she comes back this weekend are there any suggestions as to deal with the transition, because I am compfortable at the moment with no stress, and I don't want that stress to creek in, I have been thinking about going out more on my own with friends, but don't want to shirk my responsibilities as a father.
I'm actually looking forward to my H getting an apartment for the same reason... We're so good over the phone right now, but in person it seems like something is always hanging there...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Thanks for the feedback. I find myself praying for all of you here that are going through the same things. I see one underlining thing common among all who are here, that is despite who's fault the trouble is in the relationship, one person is willing to do anything to save the marriage, and the other is not at the moment. So hard to deal with...putting our own needs aside for the growth or the other, even if it hurts us tremendously. This is the kind of self control that is so hard to deal with. I hope that I can come out of this a better man for my wife, and if she is not willing, than for another beautiful soul.
ME 43 Her 37 Married 6/98 2 sons 8 and 3 Love em tons Seperated March 20th Her- not sure Me willing to make changes
