My W is buying me out and we had agreed in principal a sum for me was agreed. Now with the new valuation I have re-calculated a figure that reflects the revised valuation.
Thank you for pointing out the differences between the US and UK, we have nothing in writing at the moment and I will be seeking legal advice in moving forward.
I appreciate your link to the CSA site and will be looking at it in detail.
As I said to Puppy, taking the financial aspect out of the situation, I am starting to read my W better in that the tears appear when she isn't getting things her way. I must remain strong and achieve the best outcome without being nasty or mean for me and the children.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
My W now is starting to play hardball because things are not going her way.
She has been advised by her L NOT to allow me back into the marital home. She is worried I will not leave the home when the financial aspects are sorted out.
I will take my own legal advice, but as my name is on the deeds I cannot see how she can keep me from moving back.
In the past I have succumbed to her wishes and demands as hope for reconcilliation, but I am pretty sure now things are not going to be resolved, therefore my mindset has cahanged so that I can get a a fair financial settlement for me and my children so that I can start a new life.
I feel very sad it has come to this, in fact it is going to get worse before it gets better (for me). I believe my W dislikes me now even though I have not really done anything wrong, the reason she dislikes me is because I am now starting to assert some resistance. Whether I gain some respect back I don't know, but it will make me feel better for my own self-esteem. I will not raise my voice or engage in confrontation or argument during our conversations, I will try and keep the moral high ground, and most importantly I will not try to be nasty or mean. I just want what is fair as she wants everything at the moment.
I am starting to wonder whether she is starting to see the grass may not be greener on the other side, though that does not mean for one second she is having second thoughts, no, that decision is the only thing that IS carved in stone. It is because I am starting to see her for what she is and I do not like what I see.
Any views please?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I too am sorry for you that it has come to this. I hope you can get something sorted out through your lawyers about the house. This is one of the reasons I was strongly advising you not to move out in the first place. It's something I got advised very early on in my sitch. I'm not sure how close English law is to Scottish but I do think you still have the right to stay in the marital home. Your W may be in a slightly more precarious position if she moves out since your name is on the deeds but I don't think she'll be able to keep you out.
On a positive note, I think you're definitely sounding better in yourself. I know that it's not where you want to be in life but it's still not time to give up all hope for your marriage. After the finances, house and visitation of the children is sorted out, it will remove most of the tension from your relationship with your W. My W and I got all that sorted out very early after the separation and things are fairly comfortable between us now. There's next to no conflict. No, we're still not back together nor do I know if we ever will be but there's a lot less drama in our lives now. It gives us the chance to just get on with it and put Wee Man first. We obviously still have our differences of opinion but now all the major issues are out of the way, it's fairly easy to resolve these minor issues in a relaxed manner.
I would ask that you don't hate your W for this. You mentioned that you're starting to see her for what she is. I would disagree that she was acting like herself right now. You've backed her in to a corner and she's getting desperate. Her plans are crumbling before her. It may be exactly what she needs to get out of this fog. Let her face up to the consequences of her decisions and give the dust time to settle. You may see a very different W emerge out the other side. Like I said, don't lose all hope. There's always room for it in our lives.
Take Care
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
As regards the leaving the house sitch, I think that not taking legal advice could end up being very costly for you. At least contact the Citizen's Advice bureau. I don't think having your name on the Deeds is enough. You don't want to be accused of abandonment. If your W's L is telling her not to let you back in then there must be a reason - think on that.
I think in some ways it is to soon for your W to be feeling the 'bite' of her actions. Be true to yourself and look out for you and your children.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
It helps me to see your sitch and how a relationship can be had after the financial settlement and the turmoil that goes with it has settled down. You're right in regard to me leaving the marital home in the first place, but my children were privvy to all the arguments that took place, therefore I felt I should move out to protect them. I could have forced my W out, but I did not want anymore disruption to the children, and they were the most important factor in my decision. As joint deed holdres I cannot see how she can keep me out but I will see what my rights are.
Thank you for identifying me sounding better. I am still in deep depression and still without work, but I am trying to do the right thing by the children as best I can.
Kev, what I find hard to fathom is the fact my W seems to be twisting the knife in me by threatening me with limited access to the children. Leaving tell tale signs (though she might be planting these herself) items that point to her being in a relationship, which is really screwing with my mind. Why be so crual when she is getting exactly what she wants?
I will not give up on our marriage, but at the moment I am nowhere on her list of priorities, in fact I believe she has moved on and is in a new R with her new lifestyle, though she is still very angry with me. I do not believe we will ever get back together and for my own piece of mind I have to believe this is the case, because I will never be able to move on if I keep thinking about re-kindling our R. I have to think about me and the children, and if anything comes out of us rebuilding a R over a long period of time, then so be it.
I agree with your last paragragh in the way she is acting, and I would love to see some form of re-action. For the last six months she has not wavered, she even told me two weeks ago she has definately made the right decision, totally focused.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I agree with you. I actually just replied to Kev saying she has been so focused and unwavering that I would be shocked if she starts to see any clarity in the short term.
I will contact the CAB as it crossed my mind this morning about the abandonment issue.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Just remember that when your W reacts at her worst it is probably because you are 'getting' to her the most. Your biggest problem I would think is if she becomes indifferent. Whislt you can still get a reaction then there is still turmoil within her.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I feel very sad it has come to this, in fact it is going to get worse before it gets better (for me). I believe my W dislikes me now even though I have not really done anything wrong, the reason she dislikes me is because I am now starting to assert some resistance. Whether I gain some respect back I don't know, but it will make me feel better for my own self-esteem. I will not raise my voice or engage in confrontation or argument during our conversations, I will try and keep the moral high ground, and most importantly I will not try to be nasty or mean. I just want what is fair as she wants everything at the moment.
Mark,
This sounds like a very wise and healthy mindset for you at this stage.
I could not agree more. I know indifference is the opposite of Love, I also know that she does not love me anymore, in fact I don't think she even cares about me anymore.
If I am getting to her it is because she is not getting her own way....period. The turmoil within her is not whether she has made the right decision over our R, she has been very clear on this and says she has made the right decision.
I believe her turmoil is a mixture of things maybe not quite being as cosy as she thought they would be. There maybe a problem with her possible OM, not having enough time to herself to indulge her new lifestyle, the effect on the children, possible monetary issues.
I would love to know the answer because she is still angry even though she is now getting to a place SHE wants to be, so why the anger?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
