I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. I spent 8 years "not wanting to want" (Schnarch) in order to protect myself from rejection. I would wear sexy things and work out like crazy, and sit in my corner wishing that he would notice me and want me. I found that everyone noticed me but him, and nothing ever changed. I understand that this phase is crushing.
It came to a head for me and I just had to really spell it out for him. He had to know what is at stake. He had to know that our SSM was going to destroy our family and leave our son with a broken home. It took a long time for my H to get it, to understand, but once I really spelled out that I absolutely cannot live without intimacy, being desired, making love... the switch flipped. He finally got it, and he has changed in that area completely. He is more attentive and he verbalizes when he likes what he sees. We ML at least once a week. He tells me that I'm sexy, and I'm able to grab him when I want to as well without that horrible rejection. He now smiles when I advance because he knows that I want HIM. It isn't just that I need him to want ME (though, that is certainly a part of it too.)
One thing my H said when I started my "gentle push" campaign (which lasted a couple months before the extreme "spell it out" discussion) is that he thought that *I* didn't want HIM all those years because I was so withdrawn and because I seemed just fine with the way things were (even though I blew up about every 2 months and would then immediately recoil and go back to waiting for him to make a move.) I had to explain what I thought was behind all of that (self protection, "good girl" stuff that makes me need to be pursued...) He just didn't know, wasn't aware enough to even think about it, and he needed me to lead him to that awareness. It wasn't going to magically happen on its own.
So. You have to decide how important this is to you. If it is important enough (and I know it is,) you will muster up the courage to put yourself out there to connect with him, come what may. You will show him what you absolutely need in your life.
You can spend a lifetime avoiding the discomfort of facing your intimacy issues with your H. And live mediocrily ever after. For me, the angst was too great to avoid the discomfort.
It's up to you to shake it up. He is comfortable. You are not.
I could babble on forever... So I'll stop here and let you chew on these thoughts a bit. I look forward to working with you more on this.
Don't be afraid, Lala. You know what you want and you must value yourself enough to ask for it.
