another newcomer - thread #2

[JKL2009]

Last night was a challenge. My WAW brought up the separation agreement that we have been discussing. I had emailed a draft in the morning, which contained changes we had agreed to a couple of weeks ago plus some additonal notes based on my lawyers advice. This is all stuff WAW and I had talked about, so no surprises.

She said she got the doc but couldn't see any changes. She also was upset because I sent it to her "later" than she wanted it "ike I always do", on JKL timetable and not WAW timetable. I said I think that it was just an issue where she didn't have Word showing track changes or something, and I understand the point of timeliness but she knew I was pretty busy last week and I had kept her up-to-date on things. I was sorry she felt that way.

She kept hitting at these points, and I did my best to validate and keep my cool. I got a little defensive because I knew I sent it to her with the changes, so I said let's go look at my sent my and I can show you. I was getting a little upset as she was going into the whole script of "this is how you get" and "I don't like being around when you act like this." It was tough, but I didn't blow my cool.

Things settled down. She talked about how stressed she was with all this, how it sucks she has paid for lawyers, etc. I said I was sorry she felt that way and I understood it is hard for both of us. You get going down this path, you get lawyers involved and legal stuff, and it gets emotional and stressful.

At some point, she was talking about "it doesn't matter, I don't care anymore" etc just usual script and I had a chance to respond with "things going on with me are to make me better, to improve my relationship with my family, and to make my next relationship everything it should be; and I hope that next one is with you." I think that threw her a bit, as she nodded her head a little. After that, the conversation was less combative and we eased away from the sep agreement talk to some lighter topics.

It was a tough night, but I feel I rolled through it OK and after that whole interaction things were "normal" for the most part the rest of the night. This morning, she seemed in a pretty good mood and we had some nice little conversation.

Lesson of the day, don't get drawn into arguments during these times. Do the best you can to validate but not argue or be defensive. Have material in the back of your mind, your own "script" that you can call on when the time is right.