PM Thread #6 - New Life for Number1 - Me

[PositivelyMommy]

Ditto on the sleep part. I love my sleep too! After the two bombs, I had really hard time sleeping and staying asleep. I would wake up with a start in the middle of the night. And then I remember, yes, he left me, and he is with someone else. Lots of heartache and then trouble falling asleep again.

I look back and see how far my psychological wellbeing has improved. I still wake up super early but my sleep is deep so I feel refreshed. Exercising during the day helps tremedously and it's been my lifesaver.

Thanks Kev for comments and for being you. Because of you, I have not lost faith in manhood. Because of you, I do not generalize men and see them all as selfish beings who don't care about their children. Thank you for being here for me, I am so glad I know you.

As for my H. Well, long story and very telling. I am asking him to fill in some papers for my move.

Me: Can you please fill it in tomorrow?
H: What is this about?
M: I need these papers to filled out so I can prepare for our move.
H: How will this affect everything? I am just not sure about all of this.
M: What are your concerns?
H: I just don't want to rush into things. I need time to think about it.
M: OK. What time should I drop the papers tomorrow?
H: 11 o'clock.
M: Oh by the way, I am taking the kids to see my family again.
H: You are leaving next week?
M: Yes.
H: When are you coming back?
M: In one month.
H: One month???? So long.
M: I had always planned to go away for a month. ( Except it was to visit your mother, not my mother. Now plans have changed) You said that you had a lot of travelling to do so you were not able to take them to see your mother until August. (I was implying H is going to be busy anyway so what's the big deal.)
H: Oh. I need to think about it.

So I then talked with my brother and he said H's fantasy world is gradually imploding because I am withdrawing my support and compliance. I think that finally his decisions are taking concrete changes and he is not at all comfortable with the changes and the fact that he has no control of the outcome, eventhough I told him of my plans if he decides not to work on the M.

My prediction is one of three things:
1) He will play hardball and make our financial situation very tough to leave but he will dangle money to keep us here as an incentive. I will still go because I know what makes me happy and it ain't this fogged out H.

2) He either takes a few months to accept the fact that we are moving and he is going to have to su*k it up. He won't like it but that's just the way it's going to be. He will be in pain after we leave and then his fog will finally lift. But by then it will be too late.

3) He lets us go, we leave. He feels bad for six months and then realizes that he really wasn't cut out to be a dad and he really likes his single (no responsibilty, little expectations) life and then hardly sees the kids at all.

Either way, we will be leaving. Either way, he is not going to change his mind about coming back or working on M. I have seen no sign AT ALL that he is thinking of reconciliation. The only signs are at discomfort that he is losing control of this sitch and that he won't be seeing the kids as often.

Which is bogus anyway because he STILL does not call the kids during the week. Now his visits are once a week, for 24 hrs. That's it. The kids might be on his mind but he is not offering any emotional or physical support to them outside of the scheduled 'parenting' time. He really is an expert at compartmentalizing.

Geez, the longer I stay here, the more I dislike him. This needs to stop. I need to get the toxicity out of my system. It's not healthy for me.