WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

"Would you suggest that I just hang up after I say "I'm sorry you feel that way"?"

No just say I'm sorry you feel that way, I've told you how I feel. And that's it.

Honestly, if it was me, I would have told her that I'm sorry you feel that way. And as you recall you mentioned that you had other issues that contributed to this that do not include me (her father, etc.) so I hope you get help in dealing with your issues so that you can be happy. Just be happy rather than blaming everyone for your unhappiness. You complain about what others have done to you, and you're right, those things happened. But you should start looking at the mirror before you start blaming others for how you feel now. You are out of the house as you wanted and you still get angry at me. For what? You have the ideal life you asked for now and you're still mad and unhappy. As much as you complain about being controlled by others, it is you who is the controlling one. You complain that our kids act up when they're with you, but rather than admitting that it's because of your decision, you blame it on them, etc. etc.

Actually that's similar to a conversation I had with my W while we were separated. After that, she was a whole lot nicer. She still plays the victim card "we shouldn't have gotten married", I should have left sooner, etc. But then I tell her if you're that unhappy and REALLY believe that it's the marriage that's made you unhappy, then leave.

She's still here and on pretty good terms...as a roommate.

Stuck - I had that similar conversation with my wife when she first moved into the spare bedroom (about 6 weeks after dropping the bomb). She had gotten really upset about it and I know the way I handled it did not help my cause. While I may have gotten the message right, it was not delivered in a loving, compassionate way. I was upset/mad as she had surprised me by moving out (she said she needed some alone time to read so I gave it to her. I found out she moved into the spare bedroom when I went to bed). I was upset and hurt.

Now she throws up how I try to psychoanalyze her and be her therapist every time I mention about her needing to look upon herself.

I now we always want our situations to be different but you should be glad that she is still in the house, even as a roommate. I would take it like that right now. I knew it would be a lot harder to save the marriage once she moved out, but I didn't want her to feel trapped.

Periodically I do regret deciding to tell her that I love her enough to not stand in her way of doing what she feels she needs to do. I didn't want her to feel trapped in the house, as I thought that would not allow her to heal her hurt. When I do have regrets, I remind myself that she had scheduled an appointment to meet with a realtor to sell the house. I told her 2 days before the scheduled appointment. So all her energy was focused on getting out, not healing. I could have let her try to sell the house, and that would have kept her in the house at least another 6 months, but I felt that if I didn't save the marriage at that point, it would have been even more traumatic with the kids as then they wouldn't even have the only home that they have known as a stability point. A strategic decision. I hope I didn't sacrifice the war to win that one battle....

I think during the first four weeks of setting up her apartment, she used that as a distraction from starting any healing. Now I don't know what is stopping her. But that's not for me to worry about, I know that.

Anyway, I know that was a lot about her so I know I need to stop before the clubs and 2x4's come out.

Thanks for the input to make sure I understand what DB/DR Dark needs to look like.

Best of luck in your situation