Yes, the kids and I do plan to be gone during that time as our reservations have been made. I really relate to your feelings regarding not seeing them for 12 days. I feel the same way about the idea of long stretches without them. Still, vacations have always been such a big part of our summers and I want to keep that tradition alive and maintain some normalcy. I'm looking forward to getting away...and so are they.
I'd like to make sure you and the kids can stay in communication via email and of course there are always cell phones and texting whenever you want to say hello. I'm open to any other suggestions too. Again, I really get where you're coming from and want to make it as manageable as possible.
Thanks,
Antlers"
That's my shot at it. But, I don't want responsibility for the outcome.
I agree with CityGirl...outstanding response! I used it! Thank you so much for taking the time and helping me out with this. I appreciate it aliveandkicking!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I like that version that alive posted! It sounds softer than mine, it validates yet you stick to your boundaries and state your desires. Well done, Alive!
Ditto! Thanks again!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Your response will be great... just be sincere, respectful and make sure it sounds like you. It's is crazy how we have to analyze every little word, communication or event... things we took for granted before are just HUGE now!
I'm doing better today, thanks! I hope you have a wonderful time away with your girls... you're doing a good job looking out for them.
I'm having a rough time if anyone can check my sitch. I just posted like 4 times. I'll be checking from my iphone. It is what it is and I'll be ok. Don't even know why I'm surprised.
Yes, the kids and I do plan to be gone during that time as our reservations have been made. I really relate to your feelings regarding not seeing them for 12 days. I feel the same way about the idea of long stretches without them. Still, vacations have always been such a big part of our summers and I want to keep that tradition alive and maintain some normalcy. I'm looking forward to getting away...and so are they.
I'd like to make sure you and the kids can stay in communication via email and of course there are always cell phones and texting whenever you want to say hello. I'm open to any other suggestions too. Again, I really get where you're coming from and want to make it as manageable as possible.
Thanks,
antlers"
And her's the reply from her to that message that came later on...
"If you have already made reservations for that length of time then you need to redo them. I WILL NOT go that long without seeing the kids. I wouldn't keep you from seeing them for that long and I expect the same respect in return.
It makes me sick to hear you say how you "want to keep that tradition alive and maintain some normalcy" when vacations have always (for the most part) been a misery for our family. The kids and I dreaded going b/c we all knew what was in store...fighting between you and me. There will never be normalcy b/c we are no longer a family. And while you think they are looking forward to going...daughter isn't. She has mentioned several times that she wishes she could stay with me and you and son could go by yourselves.
I have compromised with the June/July deal, therefore you need to compromise and not take them for so long. I don't have a problem with a week, but 12 days is too long. I have never been without them for that long and I do not intend to start now. Like I said you can shorten your plans. Maybe day trips around here is another option."
Any help or feedback, especially in the way I could respond back to 'this' would really be appreciated!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I would say be honest and state up front that you want to collaborate and communicate, not argue or cause conflict. If you are honest and clearly state your true intentions, then her reactions should be reasonable.
If her reaction is unreasonable, stay calm and loving, and reiterate your intentions. If she is still unreasonable, you will then be confident that it is her issue to recognize and examine.
Well...her reaction was unreasonable. I posted it earlier this morning. I want to stay calm and loving...it's hard when she treats me/talks to me the way she does. I do not want to argue or have conflict...I've done too much of that in the past already! I've maintained honesty and stated clearly my true intentions...and her reaction is still unreasonable and dictating and derogatory. How do I reiterate my intentions while maintaining compassion, value, and respect for her and myself?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Ouch. Your W needs space and some time to heal. Her anger is still raw, and she won't be able to see past it until she sees consistent better behavior from you (I'm saying this based on your comments about how you used to be.)
I would also take the comments about what the kids want seriously. I wouldn't force them to go on this vacation, assuming they'll have fun once you all get there. If they are dreading it, I would take the pressure off. They need time to grow warmer feelings and trust in you. Let them come to you more, and use your time with them doing local activities that are fun. I don't think your W would lie about your D's feelings, and I wouldn't take your S without your D unless he feels strongly about going. I wouldn't assume anything about their feelings, and I would open the door for them by offering an alternate plan for that vacation time, such as a fun-filled itinerary with a bunch of local activities.
It's going to take time to win them all over. You can definitely do this, but you must be patient, give them plenty of breathing room, and let them lean in toward you. Pressure off.
Your W, in her current state, probably isn't doing you any favors in their eyes. So, it will be extra important that your actions and behavior with the kids reinforce your true intentions. No anger, no outbursts with W... Just be a great, calm, patient Dad who listens and understands his kids.
We are going on 4 months of physical separation. I haven't raised my voice, argued, said mean things, taken her for granted, ot hurt her in any way since last December. I, on the other hand, have been treated like crap...like a doormat, quite a bit since then. She still has a lot of anger and resentment towards me...it seemed to be dying down a little...I thought, until now! I am fully aware of my part in all of this, and I have done everything humanly possible to make amends...including giving her time and space...I'm detatching and dropping the rope...but I'm not giving up hope. It still hurts a lot to have her say the things to me that she does..."we're not a family anymore". She cuts me down to prop herself up. She's angry and crazed about the situation, and lashes out at me from an emotional reaction. My wife fosters my 12 y/o daughter's derogatory attitude towards me...after she cautioned me about doing that very thing before she left, but after she made the decision to leave. I have not done that with our kids, nor will I. I'm torn on this. I think we should be able to take our vacation as planned. I don't want to just roll over to her demands! I'm trying to negotiate in good faith here. I'm ignoring her jabs...as bad as they hurt. I'm looking for solutions, and I don't want to go back to the old destructive dynamic that we used to have. She is being rude, bossy, and dictative. I don't want any more conflict or ill feelings! I don't intend to feed into her hurtful jabs at me. I want her to feel like her input is valued and appreciated...especially if it's in a polite and respectful way. I don't think she likes not being able to 'call the shots', and she's fighting it. She did choose to leave and not include herself in things like family vacations. The vacations should continue, they just won't include her...that was her choice. The kids and I are still a family, and she chose to remove herself from that. She can do this...she just doesn't want to! She isn't doing me any favor in the kids eyes, especially my 12 y/o daughter. Should I accept bad, rude, disrespectful, and dictative behavior?
I really don't know what to do right now, and could use some help with advice and responses!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
