I can't even believe I am allowing this. I told him I just really don't want this on me. He's got to deal with his R with them...
The three of them are sleeping together in my bed.
I said goodnight and told H I'm going out and he said "don't party too hardy."
WTF?
He just has no idea. All the nights of the kids crying and wanting him to come home. They're so excited, it is like frickin' Santa Claus is sleeping with them. And, then, he'll be gone, sleeping on someone's couch tomorrow.
I've been following your thread off and on for a few days now, and I think that deep in your heart you've already made your decision. You've chosen that you can't live with a man who won't be there for you and the kids. He puts his needs before yours and the kids. It's one thing when a spouse leaves because he/she doesn't want to be with you. But to abandon your own kids?
You know in your heart what you need to do for you and your kids. Trust your instict and keep strong, you'll get though this!
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4 years M 9 1/2 months sep. for 3 weeks stepson 9 No D filed
The kids are excited b/c H is being a bit like Santa - bringing gifts, just dropping by for a a little while. Under all of that is some fear and anxiety too I would think. Maybe that's why they wanted to sleep with H tonight, and you gave up your bed to make it happen.
I think that was the right thing to do, even though I understand it hurts and it sucks.
You mentioned a guest house... any chance you could set it up as H's space when he's in town? Get a bed, etc. and just a few things so he's got a place to stay, and the kids get to see him.
I think you want that interaction... it shows H what he's missing out on. Meanwhile, you keep GAL and at some point you have to give serious thought to whether you want to fight for the M anymore or if you just can't at this pt. Either way is OK, but it's not a decision you can or should make when you're angry or tired or frustrated... Maybe wait until H leaves again and spend some time by yourself considering the options and what you REALLY want and need.
Thanks for the responses. I just took a long drive. I called a friend who I thought was going to blast me for allowing this but it was such a relief when she told me to not be so hard on myself.
I mean, my kids have been missing him and are begging him to sleep over and he wont stick to his plan and pins it on me...I did the best I could.
However, I have to really look at this. Now, I am not the only one getting crumbs, so are they. It is a bit perverse. I would rather they know when they are going to see him and stop with this spontaneous, wild ride kind of interaction.
As for the guest house, it would be so much like having him live here. Can I live with him coming home at all hours? I doubt it.
We will need to have a conversation (ooooh scary, right?) and come up with a real plan that we stick to.
For now, I am happy that my little guys are warm and feeling the love of sleeping with their dad. It is hard for me but ok.
The worst of this is that I know he wants this to some degree, he is just so drawn to the other...
If I didn't have this site to vent on, I don't know what I'd do. I'm ok.
Gonna have to work up some mojo in the morning too...weird.
I really need to love him for who he is and stop judging him. He just may not be able to be my spouse.
The kids are excited b/c H is being a bit like Santa - bringing gifts, just dropping by for a a little while. Under all of that is some fear and anxiety too I would think. Maybe that's why they wanted to sleep with H tonight, and you gave up your bed to make it happen.
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AK...This is so true. I also think you did the right thing, if it weren't for the kids, how much of this would you take? NONE! Gosh, I can't imagine how you must have felt tonight...it is all so WEIRD! I mean him of course. I am glad you went out... I really agree with the fact that I think you know where you are in this. I imagine that a few more of these interactions and like you said yourself NO connection and you will be OVER it. (as much as humaly possible!) And ready more than ever to move on. You dealt with everything well...I am proud of you.
The kids are excited b/c H is being a bit like Santa - bringing gifts, just dropping by for a a little while. Under all of that is some fear and anxiety too I would think. Maybe that's why they wanted to sleep with H tonight, and you gave up your bed to make it happen.
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AK...This is so true. I also think you did the right thing, if it weren't for the kids, how much of this would you take? NONE! Gosh, I can't imagine how you must have felt tonight...it is all so WEIRD! I mean him of course. I am glad you went out... I really agree with the fact that I think you know where you are in this. I imagine that a few more of these interactions and like you said yourself NO connection and you will be OVER it. (as much as humaly possible!) And ready more than ever to move on. You dealt with everything well...I am proud of you.
Thanks Nicole. This has been going on for so long. It escalates. I am sure it is coming to a head. He has no where to stay. There's a slight chance he isn't just using us and wants to be here...
It will be weird to wake up in the morning with him here.
I have to say that the other times he's returned from long trips, there was "no connection" and then within a few hours or a day, he'd be looking at me that way again.
As usual, I know I want my family together and I know I would love it if it were enough of a priority for him to try but who is right now? Nope.
I really need support so thanks. I can't believe how easily I came unglued but I was conscious of it.
Why do you think you came unglued? It doesn't sound like it to me. Do you mean on the inside? Cause it sounded to me like you handled him well.
I purposely said that after a FEW MORE of these interactions, it will probably be clear because it is a long road. You are going to be less unglued by him the more this goes on...it is obvious by how far you have come.
All that being said...I sometimes wonder why we want to keep our families together so badly at the risk of being with "unworthy men"...and all I can say is that when you actually choose that unconditional love, you can see past the current state of their mind. You remember who they are and who they have the potential to be. And you want a BETTER and fulfilling relationship with no one but them. And that is OK. And you are a better person for it all. We always have to put our little disclaimer in there stating that "we know it might not work out"...but what about KNOWING it is OK to be hopeful and positive that it will/could???? It is not like you aren't DBing...and moving forward! Stay strong...will be thinkin' of ya!!!
Oh, I just couldn't believe how hard it was to sit with him and listen. I mean I had to force myself. And when he was prodding S9, "are you listening to me?" I just had to look away. I mean what hell does a 9 year old care about VIP and rock star's tour bus etc.
I want to love him and be able to appreciate him regardless of M issues but come on...this is just fluff.
Although, obviously it is a BFD to him...so, maybe I can try to be happy for him. It just feels so twisted. And, this has been building up for years...this has been a huge issue since he left last time. I don't know that it will change barring a major trauma or catharsis.
I think I will either need to tell him he is no longer welcomed to come in this house (at least not as if it is his), or offer for him to stay in guest house...but I think the only way for me to offer the latter is if we are in counseling.
You hang in there. It is amazingly hard for all of us who are in this. Right now my W is the one who walks around with a chip on her shoulder and I've told her if she was that unhappy, to leave.
She hasn't made a single move towards a divorce or moving out. It's like she's "suffering" for the sake of what I don't know. We all support you. Don't ever think you're alone. It's the hardest when it comes to the kids. My oldest D asked my W out loud why she's not wearing her wedding ring. My W just walked away. She told me that she doesn't wear it because she doesn't consider us M. Oh please!
And just the other night, my D woke up crying. When I asked her what happened, she said she had a nightmare that my W and I broke up and that we were divorced. The kids are the innocent victims in all this while the WAS hurricane goes blasting through.
It's tough because WE are the ones who are being the responsible persons. WE are the glue that's holding everything together. WE are the strong ones who are having our emotions go from hell and back. Our S always consider themselves the victims. They have no idea.
Take pride in your standing. You are the rock, the foundation of your M. It's not an easy role, but it is a role we've chosen and we will be stronger from it.
{{{stuck}}}
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
