From what I can tell, you're handling things well. You are trying to find the same balance as me. How much to give your spouse to stay connected, but yet keep your boundaries and force them to endure what they've brought upon themselves. Tough line to walk, especially when you so want to be with them.
Thanks Future. Sometimes I am not so sure how well I am handling it and then I look back to before I had DR and these boards for referral. It was BAD HANDLING at it's finest, so relatively speaking I am doing WELL! I find it really hard to have this balance when I go dark on H. I feel like he is getting what he wanted and that bugs me a bit! But, I do know that I cannot persue him right now. I wonder...how do you know when it is the right time to initiate a little bit of contact?
Since you got married so young, I think your H thinks he missed out on some great single life. As others have said here, he will likely eventually find out it's not so great, not compared to having a loving W and family. This will take time. Do what is right for YOU in the mean time. Although the pain and lonliness can be brutal, do try to use your time alone to do things you didn't have a chance to do before, and have fun. In my thread, you said I'm doing a fabulous job working on myself, which I appreciate. I have the advantage that I lived alone for ten years before I got married, so I knew how to live a single life. You got married and had kids so young, this being alone thing is new to you. Try to embrace it. Not only will it help your mood, your H will notice, and may start to worry that you're liking it a little TOO much! This is SO true. I have often wondered with all of this analyzing I have been doing, if this is the only and yet very simple explanation for all of this. And if it is true, then whether this is a good thing or not. Maybe you are right and he will realize it and he will get it out of his system. But is that OK? Really? Just because we married young, to feel the need to see what it is like on the other side? I mean I really don't know the answer to that. In that case though you are right, I would be remiss if I didn't embrace it too just incase he DOES come back! Lol. That seems funny to me for some reason! If only I had that crystal ball.....! I might just even go on a date to see what that was like!!!!!!
MIL is devastated and guilts H all the time. You think that helps?? Nope, she's the one he's got the real issues with.
The idea of having scars really bothers me. I want less armor, not more. So, yes we have to walk through the fire but I'm finally open to the possibility that this M could mean everything I know it does and still come out of it better than before. I've had enough trauma in my life. There is nothing helpful about feeling damaged or scarred. On the contrary, it is really self-destructive. My bio-dad dying certainly scarred me in some ways but, I really see the events of my life as perfectly leading me up to this moment. Now, this moment happens to suck a** but it hasn't always and hopefully, if I am diligent enough, these events to will lead up to that aha place where I "get it." This is the first time in 14 years I am willing to be open to the possibility that I can have a wonderful life, complete life regardless of what happens with H. That is like a miracle because every part of me screams "NO! That's not right, being ok will mean it didn't mean anything and I didn't care enough." I am trying to embrace what everyone says here about detaching and how critical it is no matter what. Anyway...
H and his friends and our mutual friends...aargh...I've had to just chuck my ego. I can't even imagine what he tells them. I haven't heard from all but one or two friends that we share. It is brutal. But, hey, I've got my own friends and there are a lot of people on this planet so, onward.
Can you "mess around with photography" without a class? That is so weird because I was just thinking today how that is something I would love to do as a hobby. You don't need a class to mess around. Just sayin'. Pick up a camera and shoot.
Can I be so bold as to tell you to do the yoga now?? You are ready. You are right there. I mean the yoga will really move you on to the next phase of this, guarantee it. How are you going to grow that muscle (focusing your energy) if you don't work it and challenge yourself? I went to yoga a week after the bomb. I was a mess, I cried, but it sure helped to remind me that I am a whole sovereign individual and I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Just started the "Gift of Change" and it is just perfect for where I'm at and I think you too. It would be just lovely if you could skip the extra couple of months of hell I went through and really get this stuff now.
Intersting his Mom guilts him. My MIL barely talks to my H and when she does I know there is no talk about us. They are conflict avoiders in that family for sure. They too are devistated, we are VERY close. Dang...I really sounded bad there with all of my excuses. This is just how my mind works, and when I finally suck it up and say "enough!" I do the things I want to do. I do take pics and even had a friend ask me to take some of her friend and all of their kids. I did the whole thing with tears in my eyes but when I went to edit, I was totally engulfed. I should do that more. I just sometimes feel like it is pointless, because I don't have any formal training so i want to take classes and get more involved. I know, LAME! I guess we all have to go thru our phases... I am so glad that you are where you are though. You sound really sure of yourself and that is great. I don't blame you for picking up H. Did he ask or did you offer? I don't think my H would even ask me if he needed a ride. How long was he gone this time?
Jeezus woman, you're hard on yourself. We all have our reasons for not doing x or y. If you could stomach going through my threads you'd see a few 2x4s cuz I had so many reasons I can't get a job etc.
I'm just trying to encourage you. Again, if you derive pleasure or gratification out of something, don't over-think (LOL, coming from me) or wait for $$, just do it.
I'm going to make a sort of lame art project with my kids...whateva, right?
MIL guilts H, that's their whole R and may be the biggest reasons he can't differentiate love and obligation...
I think H assumed I'd pick him up. I can't remember but I don't think it is good. He was gone for almost a month...crazy. But, he's "bringing the kids legos so they'll be happy."
Oh ya, I'm so sure of myself. LOL. I was just lifting weights and thinking "come on motherf*cker," get it together and get your a** home." But, I better be ready for ANYTHING. He has been completely detached from reality and likes it that way. We've got so much sh*t to deal with. This is sooo precarious. Honestly, it could go either way but something I think Sandi said was that the WAS doesn't really want to fix their own problems because then they'd have to stop doing what they're doing. It really resonated. I mean H knows what his issues are and if he dealt with them (his mom for example), he wouldn't have an excuse to run away and act like an a**.
Anyway, I can't believe how calm I am. I'm going to get on my knees and pray that I can keep it together.
Today I was feeling pretty bad, having only heard from H once over the weekend via a short text. So today I took the kids to school and came home, ehxausted. (I had only bee awake for 1/2 an hour!) I went to lay down and prayed, then fell back asleep, having weird dreams. I woke up with a start, and went into the bathroom where swear I heard a voice in my head telling me to check my e-mail. I did..and there was an e-mail from H. I nearly fell out of my chair...it was the STRANGEST THING. I had been praying for a sign that I should keep doing what I was doing here...the e-mail said: "Hi...I never told you that you made me feel so much better the other day, thank you." I believe he was referring to the talk we had last week and/or the ML right after!! We haven't seen each other since except for the drop off of the kids. I went dark this weekend. Have initiated zero contact. Any thoughts on this?? I feel crazy in a way, but I swear...something told me to check my e-mail...it was the craziest feeling...creepy in a good way. There was not much to the e-mail...other than the softening of H's heart towards me...which is another thing I have been praying for.
The lord loves you!!! And I can tell you that as a child of god he hears an answers prayers, not always in the time you want. I am constantly amazed at the stories I read. Many of us are praying so fervently to God for answers. Keep the faith and pray, pray for us who are suffering as well, for a spouse who is confused.
ME 43 Her 37 Married 6/98 2 sons 8 and 3 Love em tons Seperated March 20th Her- not sure Me willing to make changes
Well, I have no idea what this mean...any of it. But...something told me to check my e-mail. And I didn't mention before but it is just RARE for H to contact me by e-mail. He usually just calls or texts. Anyway...it was a jaw dropping experience, one you had to feel to appreciate. It gives me great comfort whether the e-mail itself was significant or not. I did not contact him or e-mail him back, but H did contact me baout his day to pick up the kids tomorrow and asked if we could talk about housing/budget/finances tomorrow when he drops them off. So...just when I am hit with a nibble, he pulls away again somehow. But, I am going to be cool, confident and know what I want tomorrow when we talk. Oh and I am going to look SMOKIN' HOT!!! And I am not gonna give IT up...(that is for u dburt!!!) Today God got me thru...and this is day 3 of no crying!!! A victory for me!!! The pendulum is slowing down. I will pray for us all tonight!
Well, I have no idea what this mean...any of it. But...something told me to check my e-mail. And I didn't mention before but it is just RARE for H to contact me by e-mail. He usually just calls or texts. Anyway...it was a jaw dropping experience, one you had to feel to appreciate. It gives me great comfort whether the e-mail itself was significant or not. I did not contact him or e-mail him back, but H did contact me baout his day to pick up the kids tomorrow and asked if we could talk about housing/budget/finances tomorrow when he drops them off. So...just when I am hit with a nibble, he pulls away again somehow. But, I am going to be cool, confident and know what I want tomorrow when we talk. Oh and I am going to look SMOKIN' HOT!!! And I am not gonna give IT up...(that is for u dburt!!!) Today God got me thru...and this is day 3 of no crying!!! A victory for me!!! The pendulum is slowing down. I will pray for us all tonight!
Just know Nicole that even if he begins to consider returning, he has a lot of damage to undo and a lot to figure out. So, yes, be cool, be "smokin' hot" and keep up the work on you!
