And I thought part of my H`s problem was the fact that he`s an Irish male! Seems this situation knows no boundaries!
Good to have company on this road. Havent much time tonight but will check up on your thread again in the am.
Just back from a brill weekend away with the kids-hope your BF gets to Co Clare! H didn`t even ask the kids how they enjoyed the weekend when they came back. Instead he pretended to sleep on the sofa
Well, I got to check up your posts Mindblank and I truly think you`re in a much better position than me! You`re at least in same bed as your H and he is involved with you as a friend. Congrats on all the relationship goals you have achieved to date!
Maybe I`m too ambigious in myself about whether I want my M to continue or not.
And I am not framing relationship goals yet. Just trying to stop the mad dance.
As I said, my H had very little involvement with us last night.Its as if the more I have fun, the madder he gets. He does the reverse to what I`d expected from LRT. And as he really seems to get satisfaction from making me angry he`s really ticked off that he cannot rising me and is doing everything he can to push my buttons.
So, on Friday morning, I thanked him for making the decision to move out. He said "saying it is one thing, doing it is another" I didn`t react to that at all. And think I should motor on as if I expect him to move out. Honestly, I think his mental state is so fragile now, and his anger so deep, it would be better for us all if he did go. Its silly games too. Like last night I put on the immersion(water heater) as I wanted to have a bath(a fav way to relax). He kept switching it off! I just ignored that and had a lukewarm bath in the end up quite happily.
I`m really really worried for the kids in all of this. They barely interact and come to me for everything.
I don`t know if H is having a mental breakdown of sorts. I really don`t know what to do but this cant continue.
I know I have loved him. I know we once had a nice life. I believe that is possible again.
Anyone give me some kind of relationship goal I should have with this angry hurting man?
My H was, too, THAT angry for awhile. What worked for me, was giving him small "milestones" in his path of family time. For example, at one of his angriest times, (Last November) I asked him to just relax, and let's just try and have a nice holiday with the kids. I told him... No pressure for you to do anything other than enjoy the holidays with us. I won't ask you any questions about us, won't pressure you to do anything you don't want to, just relax and enjoy.
That was a month and a half milestone.
Once we got past the holidays (by a few weeks), I acknowledged we were past the milestone (in an email), and just thanked him for making it pleasant, and I won't pressure him for more, but am thankful for what we have now.
It's worked so far, except ONE of us is empty.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I`m at work and shouldn`t be logged on at all! Maybe I should acknowledge his anger and acknowledge what a difficult place he is in right now.
I know he doesn`t want to leave the children-even though he has largely left them already.
I am going to my own doc tomorrow to see about my own issues. But I will run our scenario by her to see if she feels H is in a dangerously dark place and could use professional help.
Thanks for your input!
Its a crazy place.
Meanwhile, I`m going to keep having fun with the kids. Its all I can do to survive!
That's why he gets so mad when you don't react "right"! He is losing control of you, and it drives him crazy! When he pushes your buttons, you are supposed to get upset! IF you are having fun, and he isn't the sourse, he is not controlling you!
So, you are stopping your side of the dance! I think that is really important. You can't control what he is going to do, but you are "doing something different".
I don't think that there is any question about him being able to benefit from professional help, but I also think that a snowball has a better chance in Tucson. The last thing a control freak is going to want to do is to give someone else control of his mind! (His view, not reality.) And there is no way that you can suggest it.
Keep having fun with the kids, but see if you can throw in a little having fun for yourself. It will be good for you, and it will be another step towards detachment.
I really really had a fantastic time this week end with the kids. Simple stuff-exploring the countryside, taking them body boarding, basically doing stuff I`d been promising myself and the kids for such a long time. Boy, it was great!
I don`t know how much of that he knows. Doesn`t seem to have asked the kids anything else since about our time away. But I got a great buzz out of it which probably made it difficult for me to come back to the reality of things here.
I hate for my home to be invaded by this darkness! So I`m going to focus on fun projects for the house too! Lots of new recipes being tried out this summer. And I`m going to redecorate as much as I can too.(Thankfully, I can paint!)
Tonight he asked if I was going to a dinner next Saturday to which we had been invited by another couple. I love those nights but H definitely won`t go. I didn`t give him a straight answer;I don`t know what to do. I`ve gone out without him lately but don`t know if I should keep doing that as it really could alert others to us having problems.
Anyway, he saw me having lots of fun this evening. I bbqed for me and the kids, worked around the garden and then lay back and read for a while. He still got up to turn off the water heater! LOL! So childish. And I`ve ignored that.
And I`ve xanax on standby if the going still gets tough. I`m really interested in the theory that we attract negative energy to ourselves subconsciously. Could be baloney but I`ll try ANYTHING to get me out of this hole.
So last night saw me burning the old me-"Fallgirl the frightened one"Fallgirl the B" Fallgirl the provoking one". Each of those I`d written on notes and burned in a fire of sticks in the light of the full moon. I think its a shamanic type ritual.
See? I`m getting really desperate! But if it helps a little bit I`m all for it!
I might even start believing in snowballs from Tucson...
Don't worry about whether he is noticing anything you do. For one thing, it's nto the point. And for another, he wouldn't know if he was anyway! But he IS seeing it.
Worrying about what other people are thinking is a bit of a pickle. At some point, I think you have to let go of that. But, in general, they are probably noticing less than you are afraid they are. Everyone has their own lives to worry about, and most of them are not paying nearly as much attention to the details of yours as you are afraid they are! And the ones that are.... well, if that's what keeps them happy, what can you do?
That water heater thing really gets me.... so controlling!
You are sounding better, bit by bit! I think you are feeling it, too!
You know, Jeff, I am learning so much in this journey that is making me GAL in so many other ways even though I don`t have the conventional marriage I long for. Well, I suppose its because of our skewed set up here that I am learning so at least some good is coming out of it.
Hope you`re doing ok. Have checked your thread last night and seems you`ve got a vacation coming your way. Good for you! A change of scene does everyone a world of good!
MIL rang yesterday. Asked how things were. Said she was glad we were talking anyhow. I`m fond of the truth. No I wouldn`t tell her the whole truth. Leave out little details like her son`s affair and physical intimidation but I said we weren`t talking, the sole extent of yesterday`s conversation being me to H"Is DD up?" "I don`t know"
Right. She said that it was great we were going to her nephews wedding in two weeks time. I said "We are? Thanks for telling me" Hmmmm
She said the they were really worried about H on his week end home, visiting every river and lake in the place. I said I thought he needed help. His personality had changed so much. I said I was doing everything I could think of to help us.
She said that H said when she asked him about us breaking up that `it wouldn`t come to that" I said that`s not what he told me. I had asked him to come to Marriage counselling too but he refused. I also said he needed Indiviual therapy himself"
But I left her in good spirits(I thought) I thanked her for her prayers. She said she`d be up to stay with us for a few days in summer.I siad she is very welcome but there is very little she and I can do at this point and that its important that she supports Roger whatever he decides as he finds decisions so difficult.
Grand I thought.
Not so apparently.
H came home bulling. "What misinformation were you feeding my family?" "Your mother rang, I spoke to her. Ask her""He repeated the question I gave him the same response and then he says "You better not be feeding my family misinformation or else...""Or else what"I said "Or else I`ll feed your family misinformation"
Ha! Ha! Ha! Big spoilt child! He`s afraid to even meet anyone in my family. Won`t even pick up the phone when it rings in case it is someone in my family.
Pass the xanax someone.
The above is about a man who cannot make a decision to save his life. Who likes to leave me dangling on a string. Who likes to bully and threaten. Who likes to blame me for EVERYTHING crap in his life. And yes, there is a mountain of crap in his life.
More anon, when I get to work but hey, he is some beaut.
