It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Y'all.....

Yes, I'm still alive and doing OK. Getting my mind wrapped around this "living for me" thing. Still get depressed and weepy more than I'd like, but I am learning how to "soothe myself" which is a good thing.

I'm really working hard at letting go and moving on.....I know that's best for me. H and I had a meeting with the lawyers (that is the bankruptcy lawyer and my lawyer). It went really well. The lawyers said it was rare to find two people in our position willing to work together and trust each other through this kind of process (i.e. the bankruptcy and legal seperation/divorce together). My D lawyer was impressed when the BR lawyer told H he had a decision to make on who he wants to see get his money (me or his creditors). H's reply was a vehement "Her, of course!" My L leaned over and whispered to me that that's not the usual answer she hears. And I just keep thinking that if we care about each other so much, why are we getting a D?!!

Actually before that meeting (and after it too) H and I took some time to sit and have a couple drinks together. I guess you would all call it backslide, but I basically told him what my feelings were about wishing that we could have just talked about what we want from our lives and see if we could have build a new and happy life together. H said again that he did not love the OW, and when I asked if she knew that, he said that he told her from day 1 that he would never marry again.....(I know, not an answer). At one point I asked him if he still loved me, and he said "No.........but then I don't love D24.....or even S18 any more for that matter." And strangely, I didn't cry or break down through any of this. I just felt so sad for him. He says he thinks there is just too much water over the bridge.....He says that he really truly believes that he was never meant to be a husband and father but he did it anyway because he believed that that was what he was supposed to do.....He honestly believes that! Maybe he's right...... I don't know anymore.

But, at least I am not internalizing his issues anymore. It certainly breaks my heart, but I can't take this journey for him......and I can't rely on him coming to see the gift he is throwing away in a family that loves him unconditionally.

The next day after those discussions, I sent the following e-mail.....

H,

I was thinking about our discussions yesterday and I was thinking that as we both try to remember and process what was said and where we each are and where we want to go with each of our lives, I just thought that I would re-state in writing where I am so that as you ponder everything over the next few months, you do so with real understanding of what I have asked for and not interpretations and recall of conversations colored by emotions (both yours and mine). I do not mean this to be "overkill", or "Typical SC can't shut up." so I hope you won't take it that way.

To sum it all up, I would just like the genuine opportunity to come together, just H and SC. No kids. No MIL. No BIL. No animals. Just us to come together as who we are and/or who we want to be, and see if we could perhaps build a happy life together going forward. No rehashing of past history. No recriminations. Complete honesty. Our best selves as we each define that for ourselves . No shoulds. No knuckling under. Each of us carrying our own buckets, but maybe willing to help with the others bucket if they ask.....?? Defining ourselves and our relationship each day as it comes.

You are not responsible for my happiness, nor I for yours, H. I am so sorry I ever gave you that responsibility over me. It was not fair to you or me, and that was a choice I made all by myself. And the truth is that I do know without any doubt whatsoever now that I will not only be OK without you (both practically and emotionally), but will in fact be quite happy. I would love again. However, when the lawyer(s) tell me that it's unusual to have two people so willing to work together and trust in the other through a situation like ours, it sure makes me think that if that's the case, why are we getting a divorce!? It simply doesn't make sense to me.

I sincerely suspect that there is a chance that we could be happy together, H, even though we are different people in many ways. I believe we may actually want the same things, and I would really like it if you could see your way clear to give us the real chance to find out.

Whatever you decide, know that I will always love you. And I am not sorry I chose you as my husband. I know that you have been "the rock" for me and everyone else for years, and I am thankful for having had you in my corner throughout the tough times in our history. I know without question that you always did your very best to do the right thing and be a good husband and father, and no matter what, I will always try to remember that above anything else.

Always,

SC

Yes, probably a "backslide" (I am the queen of those as you all know!). He is, after all, living with an OW! But at least I stay true to my heart. I didn't really expect a reply because the e-mail didn't call for one, but H did send one the next morning......

As I ponder things over the next few months, I will consider what you write here. I know there was some challenge to understanding what I meant about water over the bridge and how that colors my view. The past will have an effect on my view of the future, I don’t think I can lay that all behind a wall. Time will diminish those effects but they keep a level of importance that will continue to be something to hurdle.

I think this is the biggest reason why we both need to work very hard at being able to let everything go before we can move forward on whatever path we choose to travel.

H

So, while I really don't see hope for my M, I am at least grateful that he seems to genuinely care for me and is trying to do the right thing and be fair as far as the practical aspects of splitting up go....

I really am going to be just fine......I do know that!