Oh and in a nutshell, my biggest fault in our R was wanting him to want what I wanted and see things the way I saw them and do things the way I would do them. So, in this monumental, life-altering crossroads, he is finally free to do whatever he wants. I'm done with that paradigm (she says with a little too muc umph to really believe it)...I'm working on it.
Oh and in a nutshell, my biggest fault in our R was wanting him to want what I wanted and see things the way I saw them and do things the way I would do them.
My God! That sounds just like me!
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Oh and in a nutshell, my biggest fault in our R was wanting him to want what I wanted and see things the way I saw them and do things the way I would do them.
My God! That sounds just like me!
Thinker, that's scary, because that would make you the male version of my W!
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Guys, the whole controller/controllee paradigm is a trap, a mindf*ck. Once you know you've stopped doing that (and you better be mindful cuz at least for me, I don't realize I'm doing it), you've got to be able to reasonably take care of yourself and set boundaries and not buy into the whole "you're so controlling" thing. If I don't want my H scr*wing other people, I'm controlling...
Get my drift?
And for the controllee, from my vantage point, you've got the upper hand. Ha, tell her when you notice how relaxed she is or how you like the changes you're seeing in her, you feel like you can be yourself more when you're around her. I'd just melt in two seconds. I was so close to walking. All H had to do was show me that the R mattered to him, that he was paying attention to me and my life and my struggles, that he was there to lift me up, not compete with me. You've got a LOT to work with.
I do have a lot of control when it comes to H, I even think I could convince him to come home. But, I could not live with being that person anymore. I don't want that responsibility or the resentment or the complete lack of real intimacy that comes with trying to control and define another person. I want to meet him (or someone else) where they are and enjoy it.
Picked H up at airport. Predictably awkward and distant (happens every time). He looked way better than I expected...
NO connection between us, very little convo (he was on a plane for 12 hours.
Kids were psyched. I felt a bit like a chauffeur. Listened to some stories about rock star and saw the gift rock star gave h (worth many thousands, mind you we don't have rent).
He had a new item of clothing that a "friend" gave him (spin spin)...
Barely looked in my eyes (spin spin)
Gave me a little gift...chocolate...hmmm...guilty gift? No connection between us. I just said thanks.
Off to dinner together. Weird, no connection. Saw him check me out once or twice.
Dinner, he's having to bully kids into listening to his rock star stories and his self-importance and I'm thinking objectively, if I was out with a guy who spoke like this, there would be no second date and if he was so incapable of taking an interest in my kids rather than trying to impress them, he'd be x'd off my list.
So, I just watched and listened and was friendly and upbeat but not over the top.
Kids said in the car that they want to sleep with him tonight. They asked where he was sleeping and he said he didn't know.
Got home and he gave them multiple gifts. Surprisingly, gave me multiple gifts that he got from a friend (beautiful clothes, yippee). But, weird, kind of inappropriate. I thanked expressively. Still, NO connection.
He got aggravated that he left some work stuff behind...and got grumpy (typical) and went and passed out on the couch just after asking gruffly "you guys have any water here?"
Oh, he asked me once about my work...and he noticed the house was clean. Oh and that I was wearing pants I didn't fit in before.
If I hadn't read SP's post, I might have ended this post with "good grief, I don't want to be married to this man." BUT, the mugga crackin kids make me want to hold off.
Plus, in all fairness, there is a re-entry period when H returns from these trips. Of course, he is leaving again on Thursday for a few days but, there is no settle down and really deal time.
More heming and hawing and he'll take a sleeping pill so he doesn't get in my way and he just is so tired and he should have planned it better and it'll just be like when he stayed here a few months ago and I wasn't here except I am here.
Then, he just asked me in front of D6 if he should just take a mat into the guest house and sleep there, if that would make me more comfortable.
I pulled him aside and said I would prefer we don't discuss it in front of the kids. Major manipulation.
