Don't Let Them Eat Cake

[In Limbo]

Peace,

Thanks for the encouragement. Tonight has been a difficult night. H brought up R talk and said I should have no hope for us and that he has contacted a L. He plans to divorce, but wants to resolve his DUI first. Meanwhile, he does not plan to leave the house as he plans to keep it and he's also refusing now to leave the bedroom. It has just all become way too real tonight and I'm realizing how much I've been fooling myself. Even without OW, which he is still denying and lying about, we'd probably still be where we are today. I cried like a fool tonight. I will mark tonight as the official end of our current M. If something is rebuilt in the future, it will have to be a R from scratch. Tonight is the end of our 22 years together. Tomorrow I will consider myself on my own.

Yes, I need to learn how to be truly happy. I've seen flashes of that without H, but physically being around him and getting sucked back in takes me backwards instead of forwards. I know God has a plan in all this and I pray that it's to somehow make His way into H's heart. If that happens, all the pain will be well worth it even without our M being restored.
I'm hurt and angry tonight and have cried until I can't breathe. Will I ever be able to face H and discuss R without feeling this way?

I know in the grand scheme of things OW doesn't matter (if it IS or IS NOT an EA). But the lying is what gets me. If he's leaving anyway, I just wish he'd be man enough to fess up and stop looking me in the eyes and lying. I know it's typical MLC and I also guess he's protecting her so I don't run to her H or whatever. I do have to say it's tempting at times to do just that. I do not want to see another marriage ruined by all this, but my motivations would not be that pure and those actions would not reflect who I want to be. And now is the time to work on being who I want to be. I've spent the last 22 years living co-dependently trying to please someone else. Now is my time to listen to God's will and follow it to who I'm supposed to be. Brave words in the middle of the night...the key will be implementing them in the morning light.

I'll continue to use DB, but now it's less about busting and more about surviving and rising up from divorce. It's about me, no longer about him. It's taken hitting bottom, but now I'm finally getting that.

No longer in limbo, but still living in limboland.