a little long-winded, a tad patronizing and a tiny bit of "you're the one who caused this" ended with a bit of "business" sounding lingo. ("good faith")...
I think it could be more down to earth and straightforward.
Hi aliveandkicking.
How about this...
"Hi Wife,
Yes, the kids and I do plan to be gone during that time as our reservations have been made. I can certainly understand and relate to your feelings of how much of an adjustment it will be for you to not see them for 12 days. I'm sure I would feel the same if the situation were reversed. Family vacations have always been such a big part of our Summer so I am glad I am able to keep that tradition alive. I do think it's important for us to maintain normal activities, like family trips, etc. for the kids' sake. I'm looking forward to getting away...and so are they. Would it be helpful to you if we made it so you could also communicate with the kids by E-mail while we are away? It would give you another opportunity to communicate with them while we're gone. Of course there is always cell phones and texting whenever you want to say 'hello'! I'm open to other suggestions too! Thank You."
Antlers
I don't want it to be patronizing, or blameful, or 'business' sounding. Your feedback, as well as feedback from others, is important and helpful to me. Please...give me some more feedback!
ps - I was often a mean prick to her in the past...and I don't want to come across in a negative way at all to her. I want to show value, respect, and compassion.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I guess for me its hard to advise exactly because you and I are in totally different places. I have been separated for 18 months and my H has been having an affair for that entire time.
It is now up to me to decline or accept the legal separation and the *only* way I will deal with him anymore is in a polite business like way. I wont ever be rude or ugly to him but I deal with him because I have to, not because I want to. As long as I feel good about how I speak with my H that is all that matters.
And all that I posted in my previous post was about the WAS (your W) and not the LBS (you).
Your situation is still quite fresh so I guess your approach might need to be softer. But, I still stick to the fact that boundaries must be present. It is one thing to validate, listen and be the "safe place" for the WAS to turn. Its another thing to coddle and accept bad, rude, disrespectful and dictative behavior.
I see there is a difference of opinion here and that is great - its how we learn and brainstorm but I dont find stating the facts to be patronizing. I dont know your W and do not know if she is versed in things such as Skype or webcams hence the reason I offered the suggestion.
I tend to get wordy, its just my nature. Collaborative editing is always a good thing!
Yes, the kids and I do plan to be gone during that time as our reservations have been made. I really relate to your feelings regarding not seeing them for 12 days. I feel the same way about the idea of long stretches without them. Still, vacations have always been such a big part of our summers and I want to keep that tradition alive and maintain some normalcy. I'm looking forward to getting away...and so are they.
I'd like to make sure you and the kids can stay in communication via email and of course there are always cell phones and texting whenever you want to say hello. I'm open to any other suggestions too. Again, I really get where you're coming from and want to make it as manageable as possible.
Thanks,
Antlers"
That's my shot at it. But, I don't want responsibility for the outcome.
I like that version that alive posted! It sounds softer than mine, it validates yet you stick to your boundaries and state your desires. Well done, Alive!
I like that version that alive posted! It sounds softer than mine, it validates yet you stick to your boundaries and state your desires. Well done, Alive!
Oh hun, I could handle other people's lives very well. It is my own that I can't seem to get a grip on!
Same here, lol! I can dole out the advice like a pro but when its me having to implement it in my situation - well, I really have to remember it all and not just totally lose my cool (not that I have much cool but trying to preserve what I do have left
When I read your post, I thought that it was an honest mistake that probably happens a lot in the beginning of these situations. I would say be honest and state up front that you want to collaborate and communicate, not argue or cause conflict. If you are honest and clearly state your true intentions, then her reactions should be reasonable.
If her reaction is unreasonable, stay calm and loving, and reiterate your intentions. If she is still unreasonable, you will then be confident that it is her issue to recognize and examine.
I should note that I haven't read the entire history of your threads, so please forgive me if my advice is off because it doesn't consider an important detail.
Best, Lucky
Hi LuckyGirl.
CityGirl is great...isn't she?
I was such a mean and resentful prick in the past...I only want to be honest and communicate/collaborate...and not argue and have conflict anymore...I've been wanting this since last December! She knows how I feel, and I believe she knows that my true intentions are good...although she would probably try to convince herself otherwise.
She has had a lot of unreasonable reactions...I've pretty much stayed calm and loving to the best of my ability.
I certainly appreciate your input! Thanks. Don't be a stranger.
Best to you also,
antlers
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Here's my stab at your response for what it's worth:
Hi Wife...
Yes, the girls and I will be gone during that time as our reservations have been made. I think I understand how you are feeling, as I sure miss the girls as well when we're apart. I do think it's important for us to maintain normal activities, like family trips, etc. for the girls' sake and though it's not the ideal way we'd like to spend the vacation, I'm looking forward to getting away.
I have a couple ideas as far as maintaining contact. Would it be helpful to you if we made it so you could see the girls while we are away? Web cams (skype... something like that) are easy to use and would give you the opportunity to talk to them "in person" each day. Of course, there is always e-mail, cell phones and texting whenever you want to say hello! I am open to other suggestions but I do need to proceed with the plans I made some time ago. Thanks! Antlers
Hi mnt_dreams.
I really like your response too! Thank you so much for your input. I'm using all of the information from you good folks who are helping me...to formulate a response.
Incidentally...how are you doing?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I guess for me its hard to advise exactly because you and I are in totally different places. I have been separated for 18 months and my H has been having an affair for that entire time.
It is now up to me to decline or accept the legal separation and the *only* way I will deal with him anymore is in a polite business like way. I wont ever be rude or ugly to him but I deal with him because I have to, not because I want to. As long as I feel good about how I speak with my H that is all that matters.
And all that I posted in my previous post was about the WAS (your W) and not the LBS (you).
Your situation is still quite fresh so I guess your approach might need to be softer. But, I still stick to the fact that boundaries must be present. It is one thing to validate, listen and be the "safe place" for the WAS to turn. Its another thing to coddle and accept bad, rude, disrespectful and dictative behavior.
I see there is a difference of opinion here and that is great - its how we learn and brainstorm but I dont find stating the facts to be patronizing. I dont know your W and do not know if she is versed in things such as Skype or webcams hence the reason I offered the suggestion.
I tend to get wordy, its just my nature. Collaborative editing is always a good thing!
CityGirl...your advice is great, and appreciated. I really appreciate you taking the time that you have for me. 18 months, huh? that's a long time! I'm going on 4 months myself. I'm sorry that he's been cheating on you!
I understand your approach in your situation. I don't want to be rude or ugly either! I'm glad that you feel good about you, and I hope that continues to get even better and stronger. You pretty much seem like a rock to me...and I mean that in a GOOD way!
Your knowledge and perspective of WAS and LBS is great and helpful...to lots of us here on this board. Thanks.
Yeah...I think softer is better for my situation right now. I understand your feelings about boundries too! I want to listen and validate, and keep the road home paved smooth...but I don't want to be a doormat!
It's a difference of opinion that makes a horserace...right? The more information we have from multiple sources...the better informed we will be.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
