Just when I thought it was over

[No Longer BH]

Hello all. I am a transplant from Surving. Yep, I was on the verge of D....2 days away in fact, when H changed his mind. It has been a LOOONNNGGGG journey and I dont know how to feel about things right now.

Brief (and I do mean brief) recap:

Sept 07 - Grandmother who lived with us had to move into nursing home because I could not take care of her....was feeling sick

Dec 07 - H moved out for 2 weeks to find himself but then wanted back because he missed family so much

March 08-Moved out to find himself...whatever that means

May 08- Found out about OW and that I had cancer....that was why I had been feeling sick.

June thru Aug 08- DB my butt off....he refuse to work on anything. He was in "love" Blecky! Ended up filing for D because he would not stop seeing her. I had moved away for the summer so that family could help me heal.

Sept thru Oct 08 - Moved back to the home and he moved in with OW. Anger and Rage grew inside of me. He kept pushing for D while I was in Chemo

Nov 08 - June 09 Complete NC except occational emails concerning son. Did allow him to see me in Jan to discuss some things about the D and in March for son's IC appointment, but other then that was very dark. I learned to love myself and let go of the rage that I was carrying. After I felt whole and full and even began to date. I truly had moved on and let go.

June 5 09- got the final D papers to sign and forwarded them to H. I get a cryptic reply about all of his emotions. When I ask what he means he ask if he can talk to me.

June 6 09- SPent 3 hours listening to him desribe his tale of misery and shame and remorse. He cant believe he did this to his family. Has know since Jan that he was not going to be with OW so started an apology journal for me in hopes of one day being able to give it to me. Didnt want to tell me that he broke up with OW because he wanted to respect my boundaries. Finally decided to tell me when the papers came. Professes undying love but knows we cant have a R until he fixes himself. He has seen the growth that I have done by being on my own and wants to be as strong as I am in order to be a healthy partner.

June 7 09 - calls to tell me that he has packed his things and moved out of OW place and in with his brother. He will not be dating anyone or looking to anyone to fill him up. He needs to fix the hole in his soul so that he can come back to me complete. Talks about how he messed up by using OW as a band aid....all it did was cover his wound and let it fester. He has such remorse for that.

June 8 09 - sends me 23 emails today....joking, apologetic, remorseful, telling me how wonderful I am and how thankful he is that I listen to him with compassion. I told him that I dont know where this is going to go or even if I was capable of having this journey with him. My heart was so gaurded when it came to him. He answerd all of my questions concerning the A open and honestly. I told him that if there was even an email between him and OW, I would not stick around to see if we could be friends. He replied he had no interest in having any kind of contact with her because he knew it would be disrespectful to me.

So, here I am, wonder what is to come and what I should do. I have already told him that we will not have a R until he fixes himself. And if after he has become whole as a person, then we would have to do some kind of MC....retrovuille?? before I would even try and work on a R with him. He has been gone almost a year and a half at this point. I let him go completely. There were guidelines that helped me to cope with his stages of MLC, now I guess I am wondering what is to come. How do I act? What do I do? Heck, I still dont even know if I can go down this road....but there is a big piece of me that wants to.

Any and all suggestions would be so very helpful.