And I also believe that when we, the LBS, go through the pleading, questioning, crying and begging phase in the beginning, they will say whatever needs to be said to avoid even more conflict. Thus they speak what they're feeling at the moment (true or not), but when we have a breakdown because of it, or question them too much about it...they'll say what they think we want to hear just to get the 'crisis' over for that small amount of time. Eventually they will go back to what they're feeling ( right or wrong) and we're right back from the starting point.
That's why it's best if we don't question them or try to talk them out of what they're feeling/saying. For them, they feel they are being honest for the first time in their lives. And when we don't/can't believe them or validate they might have these feelings, they move even farther away from us.
The MC we went to for a short amount of time said that my xh was 'dog-paddling', not knowing which side of the river to swim towards. So I do believe they can be confused in the beginning, and when we push them, we almost always push them to make the decision to swim away because they just want the pain/confusion/anger to stop. Most try to avoid conflict at any cost.
It really doesnt matter if they're WAS or MLC....they are people that are at a spot in their lives that they are very unhappy and feel that we/marriage are the cause of it. Doesn't mean we're solely responsible for their feelings/actions....so don't let yourself believe you are. You have your share in the problems...but you are not responsible for his actions and decisions, only your own. So make sure you can live with the consequences of how you live your OWN life from this day forward.
Forgive yourself, forgive him...and remember you can't go back in time, you can't change anyone but yourself, and each day is a new opportunity to grow and shine your own light!
These things I say, I learned from my own experiences. I made all the mistakes most of the LBS here have made. I finally realized that I needed to go on with my life and let him have what he wanted...a divorce and the single life. The divorce was almost 3 years ago. I'm still struggling some days..I still miss the person I thought I knew..I still pray for him ..I still have dreams about him. But I've found I can function regardless of these things. I know that only God knows the outcome out of this terrible destruction of a family and a relationship that spanned more than 30 years. I can live with that.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
