True Love or True Fog? Changing Forums

[No Longer BH]

Hey SF,

First, I want to thank you for reading my post. It has been a long journey, one I never would have subscribed to but it has had its many benefits. Even tonight my son said that he is thankful for the divorce because it has taught him so much and allowed him to love me even further, deeper. I am blessed.

As someone who has been through h#ll and back, I want to offer a different perspective. It seems that you keep delaying the D in hopes that H will come back. You seem to think that if you just wait long enough, he will see that Catbitch is not right for him. You are so terrified of him moving 200 miles away that you are trying to stall any progress with the D. This is just my take from what I have read. I hope I am not offending you by saying this.

There is so much fear with a D. Trust me I know. Anytime my Ex sent me and email concerning his desire to get it over with, my heart sank, my stomache went into knots. That is until one day I realized that I was already living the life of a D person. He wasnt there, there was no support from him, I truly had been on my own for awhile. I then saw that all of my stalling tatics was just keeping him and maggot together. Sure, there had been many times and post that stated that I was over him, that I was finally dropping the rope. The truth was that as long as I was fighting him on the D, I wasnt letting go.

Now dont think that I am saying you should roll over. Absolutely not. You should be putting your BUSINESS hat on and negotiating for the best and the most fair settlement possible, but you should be trying to move forward in this area. He is gone for now, lost to the fog. You are not going to get him to wake up by delaying anything. Maybe the best thing for him to do is to go and move in with Catbitch. That is when things started to fall apart for my H and his maggot. Right now they are still living the fantasy and you keep giving them something to unite on.....hating you. If you remove yourself from this equation, then they WILL crash and burn.

But you truly do have to remove yourself completely. It has to be honest and not manipulative. You need to go completely dark with him. Dont let him at the house anymore....learn to take care of it yourself. If you dont want to take care of the fish, make him move them out. It is not your problem. DOnt email him anything....that is what L are for. Stop engaging.....NC = Nice and Calm. It also gives YOU the space to finally heal and to no longer be affraid of a D. After all, at this point it is just another piece of paper.

You want a R that is loving and supportive and kind and you probably hope it is with your H. Your H is not capable of this right now and never may be. Once you truly let go of expecting anything from him, you will be able to move on and find someone who is. It may turn out to be him, but ss long as you hang on he will stay stuck in the place he is at and will not grow or change. I say this with such compassion because I too was once where you are.....please let him go fully. Do not engage. It will be hard, but well worth it. You do not have children together so there is absolutely no reason to talk to him again right now. If he leaves OW, then and only then can you try to reconnect with him.

I hope this did not sound too harsh. It was not my intent. I am just wanting you to have the best possible outcome and to find true happiness for yourself. I wish you luck and peace.