Hi, I got distracted but have been trying to catch up on your thread.
I thought my H had a very good answer when I asked him if he could ever trust me again. He said that he had to b/c that was the only way he could live. He is right! It is for the LBS as much as for the WAS. As for trying to even the score or see which one did worse.....that will bury you both! It is a very unhealthy way to try to proceed.
Take every day as it comes. Don't look behind you at what has happen and don't look too far ahead b/c it will make you nervous and anxious. The best thing for both of you would be to make a "pack" to not bring up what each one has done. There must be forgiveness, which is an act of self will. You may not feel like you are forgiveing.....right away, but if you presist, the feeling will come. Then also by your self will, you choose to trust the other person. There may be a difference in forgiveness and trust. Both are by choice, but with forgiveness, the the spouse that did the wrong does not "deserve" it nor can they "earn" the forgiveness. That is like a gift by the forgiver. However, with trust, one may have to prove worthy of that. In other words, if she continues to break your trust in her.....she should not expect you to trust her, right? You can choose to trust her until she does something to break it. I may be wrong about that concept, but I do think "trust" is like "honor" and must be earned.....especially after it was broken. All in all, it is healthier for both sides to forgive and to choose to trust in order to have a good R. If my H had continued to bring up what I had done, I could not have lived with that. Neither could he and we would have ended up with a broken M.
My H chose to trust me again. I have honored that trust by making sure that I do nothing to hurt it. He has proven to me how much he is allowing me "space" and computer time without hovering over me to see what I am doing. At first, I am sure it must have been hard for him, wondering what I was doing on the computer. But, I showed him this site that I was posting to b/c I did not want him worrying. He could relax.
I hope that both of you can agree to put the past behind you and only learn from it and not use it as a sword to pierce each other.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
