Jumping in (1st post)

[Gardener]

Bear with me, all. Discovered this website 6/01 hoping against hope there was something like this out there. Read everything, plus hundreds of posts that first night. Called for DB Telephone Coaching app't 6/2, Coaching session with Dottie 6/3 (thank you, Dottie!). Been reading DR and the posts of all you brave, compassionate people all week (feel like I know you, Coach!)

Long version: Great 2nd marriage for us both for 14 out of 17 years: good friends, companions, partners, lovers, everything. Built great blended family who all love each other, no one has ever used the term "step"-anything (her 2, my 2 all now in their 30's and settled into their lives and passions).

One rough patch:I began abusing alcohol '04, hiding my nightly, self-medicating buzz until I was called on it by wife in '06. I quit , we went into joint counseling, wife went to Al-Anon, I chose Rational Recovery over AA because it resonated more with me.

Last year, we seemingly inexplicably went through peaks and valleys of great-as-usual and quiet and distant. Wife was seeing EAP counselor (who doesn't support our staying married) and on Bomb Date (11/2/08) said "I got us an MC app't; I'm getting an apartment. And it's been mixed signals ever since. MC had her work on her, me work on me, we talked about communication styles but never really addressed issues. Talked about talking but never talked. After W asked for divorce last month, MC announced that our last session was our last session ("M was DOA when you walked in door 6 mos. ago, too much water over the dam, should have come to me 2 - 3 years ago.")

So, I certainly did my share of crying, pleading and all the other DB no-no's for first few months then started backing off a bit, DB Coach Dottie said I was starting to do a lot of correct things, then she (and you guys) gave me so much more to do. I'm on my way to a better me, my best friend (W) is confused and in a tremendous amount of pain and that's the way I'm approaching it.

I'll have more details and many more questions in due course, but need help with a few immediate questions right now:

1)After she asked for D, I removed my wedding band the next day (she hasn't). Not out of spite, but because it became a source of pain, not joy and by not wearing it I thought I was reminding myself that this is REALLY bad (and I didn't even know about the Stockdale Paradox then!), Should I leave it off/put it back on?
2) W's b'day is in couple of weeks, our anniversary shortly thereafter. What if anything should I do (gift, acknowledge, ignore)?

Thanks, all. And thanks in advance for all that I'm sure is to come.