As you know, I've always felt your wife was wayward, even when you first started posting. I felt like I was starting to beat a dead horse, and it was discouraging you, so I stopped posting my gut feelings to you, but there was just something about her behavior.
Trust me, as a guy who has been where you are right now, I really hoped I was wrong.
Like you, my head was reeling when I got my confirmation, and like you, I had never decided ahead of time what my boundaries were going to be (EA only? PA's a dealbreaker, but EA isn't? Ongoing EA, with continued deceit a dealbreaker? What??). I did later, and was ready when she came back repentant and wanted to reconcile, but not back then, and I frankly was in no emotional condition to make any potentially life-changing decisions.
I would strongly encourage you to take 24-48 hours to decide what YOUR "dealbreakers" are. No one can tell you what they should be but YOURSELF. I do think, WHATEVER you decide, that you take into account the fact that -- for a woman -- an ongoing EA is usually more significant TO THEM than a brief physical fling. To us guys, we're just the opposite, and we tend to say "if it's 'only' an EA" . . .
I think that's a mistake.
I also want to suggest that you consider anything that your wife tells you, when you confront her, to be UNTRUE. Cheaters lie -- PERIOD. I'm not saying not to confront her (I believe you should), but just that you shouldn't BASE YOUR DECISION-MAKING ON WHAT SHE TELLS YOU WHEN YOU DO. Base your decisions on your own intel.
I also would suggest that you DON'T tell her HOW you know -- only that you do. NEVER REVEAL THE SOURCE(S) OF YOUR INTEL. Just tell her "I know all about you and _______ , and it needs to stop if you want to remain married to me. I am not willing to live in an open marriage" (or whatever it is you want to say).
Again, I'm sorry you're having to face this. At least you know what's going on, and in many ways it DOES explain her distance from you, if you think about it. I know that's not much consolation right now though.
